"Art never comes from happiness"
- Chuck Palahniuk
Last year I posted a blog a little before Christmas. Last year I said that something didn't feel right this year. Unfortunately, I was right and soon what was the best year of my life would take a turn for the worse. Not too long after this, my step dad (who is and was my dad) died unexpectedly from acute hemorrhagic pancreatitis. Just a month before that he was protecting me from the bastard(s) who thought it would be a good idea to put paint in the gas tank of my Honda. I was unaware that only a month later he would die unprotected and defenseless in a hospital bed in the ICU from an illness that quickly crept upon him and showed him no remorse. This left him and us with his worldly dreams, desires, and hopes forever unfulfilled despite the three unsuccessful attempts to bring him back life. All of which I stood and watched powerless and helpless to alter the outcome as I have before with so many of my patients. This memory will haunt the holidays forever. The link to familial normalcy was severed at this point. The holidays should be a happy time, a festive time, and they will continue to be so if it's the last thing that I do. My tree looks nice with all of its presents underneath it and all of its ornaments adorning it, the sausage balls have been prepared, and the turkey is ready for tomorrow. At this time, I will attempt the normalcy that I have craved my whole life. And, in a passable attempt at being festive, I will gather with my family, all 4.5 of us, and I will reach for the unobtainable. We will cook, we will smile, and we will unwrap gifts. Despite my determination to regain something that has never existed anyway, the holidays are and will be forever different. Although the family has never been normal, we are changed forever. And here I am.
"It's funny how the beauty of art has so much more to do with the frame than with the artwork itself"
- Chuck Palahniuk
I really am a happy person. I just needed to vent. Thanks.
Merry Christmas,
E
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
working out and working in
"Seems like streetlights glowing happen to be just like moments passing in front of me..."
Well good evening to you. What a good weekend it was and a good week it will be. At the moment I am listening to perhaps my greatest music playlist so far and wondering why I am still feeling an increased level of frustration despite a three hour workout at the gym today.
Don't get me wrong, I am in a good mood, I just can't seem to get my thoughts/feelings in order or come to any real conclusions about anything in relation to too many things. Usually working out helps me with this, but for whatever reason, it has apparently failed me today. It is not that bad.
Speaking of the gym, I have to tell you a story about this man who was working out today. Now, keep in mind that I do not sit there and make fun of people working out because I applaud anyone who attempts to be healthy. However, this man was asking for it! I was distracted from my thinking and listening to old Evanescence to notice that he was prancing around the center of the gym on his tiptoes, doing lunge-like movements, and twirling a barbell (with no weight on it) as if it was a baton. In addition to this, he was wearing short black and blue spandex shorts and had a towel, presumably to wipe up his increasing back sweat, tucked into his spandex. Then he went over to a rail, which was awfully close to this other poor man who was on a bike and began doing push ups while holding onto the rail. All I could see was this super-tight spandex ass going up and down, over and over again. For a second, I felt bad when I actually laughed out loud, but then I noticed that the woman on the elliptical next to me was laughing as well.
Anyways, enough on the gym and on to more important things...
I am planning on ordering a variety of books to read and add to my small collection since I am finished with school for the time being. Do you have any recommendations? I have decided on two so far, but plan on ordering at least four.
How can I go forwards if I don't know which way forward is? Because I think I am following you backwards and that can not be a good thing. My patience and progress is being replaced with anger and resentment. This will have to end.
It appears as if the burning, red rash on my hands is not the only unexpected thing to resurface this month. It is interesting how sometimes a seemingly painful and confusing experience in life can ultimately end up effecting us, shaping us, and changing us forever. It is not until later that we realize it has left its lasting imprint, its mark, and that we no longer want it removed.
new normal. new hope. new life. new start.
damn fire. damn dreams. damn expectations. damn you.
no conclusions, no clock, no answers, no help, no hope, no more...
If you ignore me in the daylight,
I will be gone in the moonlight.
All that's left will be a shadow,
of the things that could have been.
And if you use me in the mean time,
I will leave you now this last time.
All that shines will be the new light,
of the hope that brings me new life.
I think I am done for now. The laundry isn't going to fold itself...
E
Well good evening to you. What a good weekend it was and a good week it will be. At the moment I am listening to perhaps my greatest music playlist so far and wondering why I am still feeling an increased level of frustration despite a three hour workout at the gym today.
Don't get me wrong, I am in a good mood, I just can't seem to get my thoughts/feelings in order or come to any real conclusions about anything in relation to too many things. Usually working out helps me with this, but for whatever reason, it has apparently failed me today. It is not that bad.
Speaking of the gym, I have to tell you a story about this man who was working out today. Now, keep in mind that I do not sit there and make fun of people working out because I applaud anyone who attempts to be healthy. However, this man was asking for it! I was distracted from my thinking and listening to old Evanescence to notice that he was prancing around the center of the gym on his tiptoes, doing lunge-like movements, and twirling a barbell (with no weight on it) as if it was a baton. In addition to this, he was wearing short black and blue spandex shorts and had a towel, presumably to wipe up his increasing back sweat, tucked into his spandex. Then he went over to a rail, which was awfully close to this other poor man who was on a bike and began doing push ups while holding onto the rail. All I could see was this super-tight spandex ass going up and down, over and over again. For a second, I felt bad when I actually laughed out loud, but then I noticed that the woman on the elliptical next to me was laughing as well.
Anyways, enough on the gym and on to more important things...
I am planning on ordering a variety of books to read and add to my small collection since I am finished with school for the time being. Do you have any recommendations? I have decided on two so far, but plan on ordering at least four.
How can I go forwards if I don't know which way forward is? Because I think I am following you backwards and that can not be a good thing. My patience and progress is being replaced with anger and resentment. This will have to end.
It appears as if the burning, red rash on my hands is not the only unexpected thing to resurface this month. It is interesting how sometimes a seemingly painful and confusing experience in life can ultimately end up effecting us, shaping us, and changing us forever. It is not until later that we realize it has left its lasting imprint, its mark, and that we no longer want it removed.
new normal. new hope. new life. new start.
damn fire. damn dreams. damn expectations. damn you.
no conclusions, no clock, no answers, no help, no hope, no more...
If you ignore me in the daylight,
I will be gone in the moonlight.
All that's left will be a shadow,
of the things that could have been.
And if you use me in the mean time,
I will leave you now this last time.
All that shines will be the new light,
of the hope that brings me new life.
I think I am done for now. The laundry isn't going to fold itself...
E
Saturday, November 29, 2008
november is coming to an end...
"...Where were you? Where were you? Just a little late, you found me. You found me"
My weekend off has gotten off to a pleasant start to say the least. I hope yours is going great as well.
You will be happy to know that I am wearing yet another free t-shirt that I conned out of my gym. They tried unsuccessfully to avoid giving me another, but I was rather persistent. Sometimes persistence is crucial to getting what you want and need.
What I thought I wanted is not even close to what I think I need. What I think I need is scary and something that I may or may not be avoiding.
Natural. Involuntary. Innocent.
Did you mean what you said? I hope so...There's no harm in dreaming is there?
There is now a Christmas tree brightening up my living room and it is sitting adjacent to my sweet new tv that was a Christmas / graduation present to myself.
Last year, getting the tree out of hibernation from my outside storage area proved to be a bit of a disaster. This year went much better and although I was prepared for the worst, I was only attacked by three determined wasps that I promptly took out with my broom and a random stapler that was nearby. However, last year, I was accosted by about a hundred unexpected, half-frozen wasps that had been residing in my tree and were quickly beginning to thaw in my living room. Just so you know, it seriously takes a lot to phase me these days - this traumatized me.
Unfortunately, things from the past can creep into your memory when you least expect it and try to ruin the moment. Thankfully, this can be somewhat avoided by active preparedness and alertness, but I'm not so sure it can ever completely go away. That is a shame.
It is unfair and disappointing that you still don't seem to know what your role is seeing as how we were always prematurely expected to know ours. Too bad ours was dysfunctional and yours is nonexistent.
- Once you have seen the light, I don't believe there is any going back. Not any going back that is healthy or happy anyway. The most important thing is proper planning and a non-distorted perspective. I sincerely hope that you have both.
I have had two visitors in town this week. Both were fun and entertaining in completely different ways. Trust me on this one.
My real Thanksgiving occurred in a different place...I am in a different place...It was a good Thanksgiving.
My professor called me "bright". Too bad I am not bright enough to know what my next step should be. Getting what you want is not hard. Knowing what you want is the hard part.
Wandering. Waiting. Wanting.
Reorganizing my closet tonight was initially a source of relief, but was soon followed by an indescribable emotion that was a cross between sadness, thankfulness, and remembrance. It was a little unnerving, but I am appreciative.
Sometimes happiness hits you when you least expect it.
This has been the month of unexpected communication and I like it.
I will leave you with a list of things that I am continuously thankful for - and others that seem to make me smile at the moment...
- music, new purchases, impending graduations, sausage balls, eating with Kole's family, online shopping, love, tennis rematches, the process, precision, pretty snow, catching up, preordering good music, newness, education, independence, undeserved encouragement, attachment, great books, open honesty, playfulness, stolen t-shirts, memories...
Night,
E
My weekend off has gotten off to a pleasant start to say the least. I hope yours is going great as well.
You will be happy to know that I am wearing yet another free t-shirt that I conned out of my gym. They tried unsuccessfully to avoid giving me another, but I was rather persistent. Sometimes persistence is crucial to getting what you want and need.
What I thought I wanted is not even close to what I think I need. What I think I need is scary and something that I may or may not be avoiding.
Natural. Involuntary. Innocent.
Did you mean what you said? I hope so...There's no harm in dreaming is there?
There is now a Christmas tree brightening up my living room and it is sitting adjacent to my sweet new tv that was a Christmas / graduation present to myself.
Last year, getting the tree out of hibernation from my outside storage area proved to be a bit of a disaster. This year went much better and although I was prepared for the worst, I was only attacked by three determined wasps that I promptly took out with my broom and a random stapler that was nearby. However, last year, I was accosted by about a hundred unexpected, half-frozen wasps that had been residing in my tree and were quickly beginning to thaw in my living room. Just so you know, it seriously takes a lot to phase me these days - this traumatized me.
Unfortunately, things from the past can creep into your memory when you least expect it and try to ruin the moment. Thankfully, this can be somewhat avoided by active preparedness and alertness, but I'm not so sure it can ever completely go away. That is a shame.
It is unfair and disappointing that you still don't seem to know what your role is seeing as how we were always prematurely expected to know ours. Too bad ours was dysfunctional and yours is nonexistent.
- Once you have seen the light, I don't believe there is any going back. Not any going back that is healthy or happy anyway. The most important thing is proper planning and a non-distorted perspective. I sincerely hope that you have both.
I have had two visitors in town this week. Both were fun and entertaining in completely different ways. Trust me on this one.
My real Thanksgiving occurred in a different place...I am in a different place...It was a good Thanksgiving.
My professor called me "bright". Too bad I am not bright enough to know what my next step should be. Getting what you want is not hard. Knowing what you want is the hard part.
Wandering. Waiting. Wanting.
Reorganizing my closet tonight was initially a source of relief, but was soon followed by an indescribable emotion that was a cross between sadness, thankfulness, and remembrance. It was a little unnerving, but I am appreciative.
Sometimes happiness hits you when you least expect it.
This has been the month of unexpected communication and I like it.
I will leave you with a list of things that I am continuously thankful for - and others that seem to make me smile at the moment...
- music, new purchases, impending graduations, sausage balls, eating with Kole's family, online shopping, love, tennis rematches, the process, precision, pretty snow, catching up, preordering good music, newness, education, independence, undeserved encouragement, attachment, great books, open honesty, playfulness, stolen t-shirts, memories...
Night,
E
Sunday, November 9, 2008
neon signs
I have had a different week. These are different times. I'm in a different mood today. It's been a lucky week. I am a lucky person. More on that later, I hope.
I think the different mood tonight might stem from getting called in to work frequently and at extremely bad times and might be caused form getting only a few hours of interrupted sleep at a time, but I'm not complaining. (and wow that was a long sentence!)
I'm not complaining because this is reality and reality is good. Also, because I saw a neon sign for the first time in a long time this week. I will not talk about the last time, but it was a good time. I hope that this time like the others does not disappoint and falls into place like usual.
The timing is both eerily important and amazingly appreciated.
Schoolwork is winding down and my anxiety is winding up...in a good way I assure you.
Endings are just as exciting as beginnings and this applies to many different levels. There was a lot gained and very little lost. You can't really go wrong in that situation.
This week:
* I wrote a special letter for the first time in my life
* I encountered an evil sales associate who thought I was forty
* I cooked some awesome dinners compliments of Earth Fare
* I read a really good book that made me cry three times
* The scene from Grey's Anatomy with the old guy who tried to do chest compressions on his wife because he couldn't let her go was nicely done and also made me cry
* I did, however, smile a lot
* I finally got to listen to some of that free music...thanks.
* I think I finally figured you out
* I saved a life, or two or three
* I realized it's time to move on (this has nothing to do with relationships)
* I won a free 30-minute massage which I am saving for after graduation
Oh yeah, I also wrote something for you. I don't feel like rhyming tonight and I don't feel that it is necessary. I also only feel like posting a portion of it tonight. There is no need for the full version at this time. Enjoy!
Cutting through the corners and missing the mark
The point of completeness to not miss a thing
Thoroughly, I rushed through all of the goodness
To end up slowly wading through the worst
Misleading myself into building lost dreams
The hurt of hurriedness to find the wrong things
Falsely, I followed what I thought I wanted
To end up falling away from myself
I think the different mood tonight might stem from getting called in to work frequently and at extremely bad times and might be caused form getting only a few hours of interrupted sleep at a time, but I'm not complaining. (and wow that was a long sentence!)
I'm not complaining because this is reality and reality is good. Also, because I saw a neon sign for the first time in a long time this week. I will not talk about the last time, but it was a good time. I hope that this time like the others does not disappoint and falls into place like usual.
The timing is both eerily important and amazingly appreciated.
Schoolwork is winding down and my anxiety is winding up...in a good way I assure you.
Endings are just as exciting as beginnings and this applies to many different levels. There was a lot gained and very little lost. You can't really go wrong in that situation.
This week:
* I wrote a special letter for the first time in my life
* I encountered an evil sales associate who thought I was forty
* I cooked some awesome dinners compliments of Earth Fare
* I read a really good book that made me cry three times
* The scene from Grey's Anatomy with the old guy who tried to do chest compressions on his wife because he couldn't let her go was nicely done and also made me cry
* I did, however, smile a lot
* I finally got to listen to some of that free music...thanks.
* I think I finally figured you out
* I saved a life, or two or three
* I realized it's time to move on (this has nothing to do with relationships)
* I won a free 30-minute massage which I am saving for after graduation
Oh yeah, I also wrote something for you. I don't feel like rhyming tonight and I don't feel that it is necessary. I also only feel like posting a portion of it tonight. There is no need for the full version at this time. Enjoy!
Cutting through the corners and missing the mark
The point of completeness to not miss a thing
Thoroughly, I rushed through all of the goodness
To end up slowly wading through the worst
Misleading myself into building lost dreams
The hurt of hurriedness to find the wrong things
Falsely, I followed what I thought I wanted
To end up falling away from myself
Sunday, October 26, 2008
I bought Christmas presents and Halloween candy all on the same day...you should be impressed!
"Lightning comes and lightning goes and it's all the same to me. Let it in. 'Cause I want you so. I can hardly breathe and release into a thousand pieces I have broke into. Over you..."
Sorry. That wasn't me...
I was wrong. That wasn't me...
You made me that way. That wasn't me...
It is sad that we can be so vulnerable that we fit into the roles that are handed down to us rather than fitting into our own selves.
It is even sadder when these roles are reliant on the resentment of one and leads us downward into a misguided effort to impress someone who doesn't need to be impressed.
"Kill the flames at dawn, I keep burning on and on and on..."
On a much, much lighter note, the Memphis trip was great...A few highlights in a few funny words...barbecue, free cups, stolen cups, hurricanes, saving sanity, a shot to daylight, stalker Dominos driver, no ambition, cozy apartment...
Friend, I can't wait until the wedding...
It was over this weekend that I relented and joined facebook. I guess it's about time.
There has been so much good that not too long ago I would have thought it was impossible.
"Maybe you and I are cursed. Maybe you and I are one. That's the universe. Around, around."
Work towards changing your scenery. The view is much better if you are able to look backwards while you are steadily moving forward.
Step away from what is blocking (controlling) your view and move closer to what is best for you.
"This, this is, this is the last time, it's the last time. This, this is, this is your goodbye."
Why am I never okay with the old and always wanting the new? Maybe complacency isn't as bad as I thought.
I miss you.
Plans to go to the haunted corn maze unfortunately got rained out. -It is fun to try to find your way out of scary situations. There is always a way out and you become a better person in the process of figuring it out. You should try it.
The longer incompetence is tolerated, the less control you will have.
"Everything's changing now"
I have reached a new point. Directions no longer lead to crooked signs, but i still haven't noticed the neon sign. They are such elusive bastards these days...
The process is more important. The content is equally important.
How can I revive something that was never there before?
I hate it when I let the same problems persist and allow myself to make the same mistakes over again. I really am smarter than that. Really.
Highlights since the last blog because I know you care so much:
* My truck is for sale - do you want to buy it?
* I seriously have the best Halloween candy ever!
* Homemade wine will be ready in about 3 weeks.
* 5 more weeks of class
* I really enjoy flying solo
* I read an awesome book while flying solo
* Door-to-door Christians bombarded me at dinnertime
* I can finally wear long sleeves and not burn up
* The flu vaccine made me sick this year...again!
* A sweet skirt was purchased online for less than 4 dollars
* It's about time Earth Fare opened. I love having more options.
* Due to having fun last weekend and getting called in frequently during the week, I have managed to get my days and nights a little mixed up.
* I no longer need to intentionally try to break my cell phone since I got a new one that I actually like.
* I am a pretty big fan of fall...
"Well I was lonely in spring for this kind of thing. She's shivering alone."
I'm still not sleepy, but good night anyways,
E
P.S. If you haven't figured it out I am pretty much a fan of the band and the song that the lyrics in my blog came from.
P.P.S. I am pretty excited that they finally have a new album coming out fairly soon.
Sorry. That wasn't me...
I was wrong. That wasn't me...
You made me that way. That wasn't me...
It is sad that we can be so vulnerable that we fit into the roles that are handed down to us rather than fitting into our own selves.
It is even sadder when these roles are reliant on the resentment of one and leads us downward into a misguided effort to impress someone who doesn't need to be impressed.
"Kill the flames at dawn, I keep burning on and on and on..."
On a much, much lighter note, the Memphis trip was great...A few highlights in a few funny words...barbecue, free cups, stolen cups, hurricanes, saving sanity, a shot to daylight, stalker Dominos driver, no ambition, cozy apartment...
Friend, I can't wait until the wedding...
It was over this weekend that I relented and joined facebook. I guess it's about time.
There has been so much good that not too long ago I would have thought it was impossible.
"Maybe you and I are cursed. Maybe you and I are one. That's the universe. Around, around."
Work towards changing your scenery. The view is much better if you are able to look backwards while you are steadily moving forward.
Step away from what is blocking (controlling) your view and move closer to what is best for you.
"This, this is, this is the last time, it's the last time. This, this is, this is your goodbye."
Why am I never okay with the old and always wanting the new? Maybe complacency isn't as bad as I thought.
I miss you.
Plans to go to the haunted corn maze unfortunately got rained out. -It is fun to try to find your way out of scary situations. There is always a way out and you become a better person in the process of figuring it out. You should try it.
The longer incompetence is tolerated, the less control you will have.
"Everything's changing now"
I have reached a new point. Directions no longer lead to crooked signs, but i still haven't noticed the neon sign. They are such elusive bastards these days...
The process is more important. The content is equally important.
How can I revive something that was never there before?
I hate it when I let the same problems persist and allow myself to make the same mistakes over again. I really am smarter than that. Really.
Highlights since the last blog because I know you care so much:
* My truck is for sale - do you want to buy it?
* I seriously have the best Halloween candy ever!
* Homemade wine will be ready in about 3 weeks.
* 5 more weeks of class
* I really enjoy flying solo
* I read an awesome book while flying solo
* Door-to-door Christians bombarded me at dinnertime
* I can finally wear long sleeves and not burn up
* The flu vaccine made me sick this year...again!
* A sweet skirt was purchased online for less than 4 dollars
* It's about time Earth Fare opened. I love having more options.
* Due to having fun last weekend and getting called in frequently during the week, I have managed to get my days and nights a little mixed up.
* I no longer need to intentionally try to break my cell phone since I got a new one that I actually like.
* I am a pretty big fan of fall...
"Well I was lonely in spring for this kind of thing. She's shivering alone."
I'm still not sleepy, but good night anyways,
E
P.S. If you haven't figured it out I am pretty much a fan of the band and the song that the lyrics in my blog came from.
P.P.S. I am pretty excited that they finally have a new album coming out fairly soon.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
a little bit of everything and nothing all rolled into one...
"Lightning comes and lightning goes and it's all the same to me..."
There's a little bit of everything in this one and a little bit of nothing as well.
This week I have decided that I need a vacation since the burn ordeal in May left me more restless than refreshed. Too bad I have no intentions of planning a vacation at the moment.
I want sushi. I am craving sushi. You should go with me and we will have some sushi and sake.
December is getting closer...This is both happy and sad for more than one reason. October, however, will most likely always be a favorite month of mine...
Lost communication is and was an expected sadness. Nothing phases me anymore. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I will not elaborate on this tonight and probably not ever.
I have decided that being detached is a hindrance to what I want. It is only temporarily helpful and I refuse to stop being so damn indecisive. Going back and forth forces me to stay in the same spot.
I forgot to water my peace lily for two weeks and I think it hates me for it. This is one reason among many as to why I do not need to be responsible for anything that is living...other than myself.
I don't really expect you to follow this one all that much...you know I don't really have expectations anymore....haha
How do lovers lose the fight
if lovers live to win?
This leads them to the dark of night
and near to their own end.
How do fakers fool us all
if fools they really are?
We think unsteady, then we fall
and embed ourselves too far.
How do liars lie unphased
if lies can harm the heart?
I stand alone and I'm amazed
to hear their quiet start.
How do dreamers deal so well
if dreams are made of sand?
They still have hope as I can tell
upon which they seem to stand.
How do robbers rule their will
if rules to steal are wrong?
The stolen wants they wish to fill
can never make them strong.
There's a little bit of everything in this one and a little bit of nothing as well.
This week I have decided that I need a vacation since the burn ordeal in May left me more restless than refreshed. Too bad I have no intentions of planning a vacation at the moment.
I want sushi. I am craving sushi. You should go with me and we will have some sushi and sake.
December is getting closer...This is both happy and sad for more than one reason. October, however, will most likely always be a favorite month of mine...
Lost communication is and was an expected sadness. Nothing phases me anymore. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I will not elaborate on this tonight and probably not ever.
I have decided that being detached is a hindrance to what I want. It is only temporarily helpful and I refuse to stop being so damn indecisive. Going back and forth forces me to stay in the same spot.
I forgot to water my peace lily for two weeks and I think it hates me for it. This is one reason among many as to why I do not need to be responsible for anything that is living...other than myself.
I don't really expect you to follow this one all that much...you know I don't really have expectations anymore....haha
How do lovers lose the fight
if lovers live to win?
This leads them to the dark of night
and near to their own end.
How do fakers fool us all
if fools they really are?
We think unsteady, then we fall
and embed ourselves too far.
How do liars lie unphased
if lies can harm the heart?
I stand alone and I'm amazed
to hear their quiet start.
How do dreamers deal so well
if dreams are made of sand?
They still have hope as I can tell
upon which they seem to stand.
How do robbers rule their will
if rules to steal are wrong?
The stolen wants they wish to fill
can never make them strong.
When I come up with a better title I'll let you know.
There is a lot in this one, but you will have to sort through the ambiguity that is necessary at this time. Good luck with that.
I am sore. I still have a card for a free back massage that for some ungodly reason I have managed to keep for a year without using.
Newness brings me to life. Newness is nothing profound. Newness is why I live.
I thought that after four years I would be better at dealing with death. I am not. It is different when you see the last breath, you feel the last beat, you remember the last words, and you hear the family's cries. It has been a rough week, but still a good week.
There can be no life if there is no death. All things are sadly reciprocated, but all things cannot be duplicated.
Love the hurt that leads you towards the healing, the love, that is not recognized until there has been something lost. Without suffering, it is impossible to fully feel true joy. You have to feel the pain to experience the pleasure. If you seek to eliminate all pain, there will be no hope for happiness.
Sometimes being detached is not distant enough.
When you see that you have all that you need, it is time give away some things...
I live for the randomness for which I am never prepared...
three weeks from now = a much anticipated visit
four weeks from now = a flight to see Kole
I've never been a big fan of countdowns, but my calendar is full of exclamation marks these days! (I believe that sentence warranted an exclamation mark)
-No matter how far deep you think you are, there is always a way out. Unfortunately, you are unable to see this until you stop drowning. In order to stop drowning you must cut off the weight that is dragging you down, fight your way to the surface, and tread water for a little while until you make it to safer surroundings.
-The waves will never be welcoming. They will only pull you further away from land until you lose focus on your surroundings, on life, on you - until your dreams are devoured and you hopes are washed away - forever.
-Life is too short to be bitter and resentful when you can be happy and thankful instead.
Enough on that
You will be happy to know that my faith in humanity has thankfully been restored. It's interesting to me that people have no idea how significant small random acts of kindness can be in someone else's life. Never underestimate the impact that simple gestures can have on others who are watching...you don't always know if someone is watching...
-The second-guessing ends once you come to terms with your choices. The perceived conflict between hatred and pity is enormous, but it diminishes when you are headed in the right direction (away) and when you realize that it doesn't have to be your problem anymore (ever).
I want to be good. Great has preconceived notions and is difficult to maintain over time. I will settle for good.
I am way ahead on all of my assignments for school. It is almost as if I am not in school anymore. I am going to be sad when I'm really not in school anymore.
I have decided to depend on online shopping for my fall wardrobe this year rather than shopping at a mall that chooses to put a Lids in the food court! So far this has been quite successful.
Is it okay to relent simply out of boredness? I need to rely on my instincts because they are always right, but for some reason I have difficulty doing that.
It still frightens me to think of what all I would have missed out on if I had held onto something that was hopeless. I am so lucky.
Believe it or not, I could go for much longer, but I get the feeling that this has been too long.
It's time to go to sleep. Productivity is essential.
Night,
E
I am sore. I still have a card for a free back massage that for some ungodly reason I have managed to keep for a year without using.
Newness brings me to life. Newness is nothing profound. Newness is why I live.
I thought that after four years I would be better at dealing with death. I am not. It is different when you see the last breath, you feel the last beat, you remember the last words, and you hear the family's cries. It has been a rough week, but still a good week.
There can be no life if there is no death. All things are sadly reciprocated, but all things cannot be duplicated.
Love the hurt that leads you towards the healing, the love, that is not recognized until there has been something lost. Without suffering, it is impossible to fully feel true joy. You have to feel the pain to experience the pleasure. If you seek to eliminate all pain, there will be no hope for happiness.
Sometimes being detached is not distant enough.
When you see that you have all that you need, it is time give away some things...
I live for the randomness for which I am never prepared...
three weeks from now = a much anticipated visit
four weeks from now = a flight to see Kole
I've never been a big fan of countdowns, but my calendar is full of exclamation marks these days! (I believe that sentence warranted an exclamation mark)
-No matter how far deep you think you are, there is always a way out. Unfortunately, you are unable to see this until you stop drowning. In order to stop drowning you must cut off the weight that is dragging you down, fight your way to the surface, and tread water for a little while until you make it to safer surroundings.
-The waves will never be welcoming. They will only pull you further away from land until you lose focus on your surroundings, on life, on you - until your dreams are devoured and you hopes are washed away - forever.
-Life is too short to be bitter and resentful when you can be happy and thankful instead.
Enough on that
You will be happy to know that my faith in humanity has thankfully been restored. It's interesting to me that people have no idea how significant small random acts of kindness can be in someone else's life. Never underestimate the impact that simple gestures can have on others who are watching...you don't always know if someone is watching...
-The second-guessing ends once you come to terms with your choices. The perceived conflict between hatred and pity is enormous, but it diminishes when you are headed in the right direction (away) and when you realize that it doesn't have to be your problem anymore (ever).
I want to be good. Great has preconceived notions and is difficult to maintain over time. I will settle for good.
I am way ahead on all of my assignments for school. It is almost as if I am not in school anymore. I am going to be sad when I'm really not in school anymore.
I have decided to depend on online shopping for my fall wardrobe this year rather than shopping at a mall that chooses to put a Lids in the food court! So far this has been quite successful.
Is it okay to relent simply out of boredness? I need to rely on my instincts because they are always right, but for some reason I have difficulty doing that.
It still frightens me to think of what all I would have missed out on if I had held onto something that was hopeless. I am so lucky.
Believe it or not, I could go for much longer, but I get the feeling that this has been too long.
It's time to go to sleep. Productivity is essential.
Night,
E
Monday, September 8, 2008
why? part one of one with three explanations...
I have been asked by more than one person why I blog. When asked, I have to resist the urge to say, "that's a really good question and I'm glad that you brought that up" (long story). Below are a few reasons - vague as usual - but the question is decently answered.
* Catharsis - cleansing, purgation, release
The release of emotions and feelings leaves room for more to be acquired and allows what is released to be free (exposed, understood).
* Organize - arrange, sort, systematize
It does no good to have everything that is needed to make proper decisions, but to be incapable of making sense of it all.
* Reminisce - recall, recollect, remember
We should never forget where we are going and how we got to where we are because then we will end up back to where we came from and away from who we are.
I want to. I tend to do whatever I want nowadays. I think the real question should be, why not? Hell, whatever works. I hope that cleared it up (yes that was sarcastic)...
"I.need.you.so.much.closer."
simplicity vs. complexity - I like both for completely different reasons. You might be too simple, and that would be a shame.
I need to learn how to better articulate what it is that I am trying to say. I have so much more to learn.
I want to learn how to play the violin and the acoustic guitar. That would be pretty sweet.
September might have snuck up on me, but I'm already ready for October.
There has to be a way to leave this place.
Seek out the new and discard the old. I am done, as I should have been a long time ago. I am not really that harsh of a person I promise, but sometimes things are necessary. My first real attempt at becoming detached went surprisingly well. Thank you. Strangely, I was simultaneously becoming emotionally attached elsewhere. Now that's something to wrap your mind around.
There was more than was intended in this one...as usual.
Night. Night.
E
* Catharsis - cleansing, purgation, release
The release of emotions and feelings leaves room for more to be acquired and allows what is released to be free (exposed, understood).
* Organize - arrange, sort, systematize
It does no good to have everything that is needed to make proper decisions, but to be incapable of making sense of it all.
* Reminisce - recall, recollect, remember
We should never forget where we are going and how we got to where we are because then we will end up back to where we came from and away from who we are.
I want to. I tend to do whatever I want nowadays. I think the real question should be, why not? Hell, whatever works. I hope that cleared it up (yes that was sarcastic)...
"I.need.you.so.much.closer."
simplicity vs. complexity - I like both for completely different reasons. You might be too simple, and that would be a shame.
I need to learn how to better articulate what it is that I am trying to say. I have so much more to learn.
I want to learn how to play the violin and the acoustic guitar. That would be pretty sweet.
September might have snuck up on me, but I'm already ready for October.
There has to be a way to leave this place.
Seek out the new and discard the old. I am done, as I should have been a long time ago. I am not really that harsh of a person I promise, but sometimes things are necessary. My first real attempt at becoming detached went surprisingly well. Thank you. Strangely, I was simultaneously becoming emotionally attached elsewhere. Now that's something to wrap your mind around.
There was more than was intended in this one...as usual.
Night. Night.
E
starting nowhere and ending up somewhere...
Well, I'll try my best to make this as vague as possible because I really would hate to be too personal. I will use some wonderful lyrics from a wonderful song to organize this blog although it will most likely not appear to be so organized.
"This may never start. We could fall apart"
I am sitting here drinking a Red Stripe and eating a large slab of cranberry crunch bread that I recently purchased from the farmer's market this weekend. Yeah, it's been a pretty good night so far.
Sweeney Todd was even better than expected. I have decided that I enjoy going to plays.
Dinner at an unnamed italian restaurant was interestingly awkward for a number of reasons. The booth and the chair were so disproportionate (dude, that's my new favorite word) that I ate most of my dinner with my elbow bent upwards at a funny angle. I also had to resist the urge to begin coloring a not so pleasant picture on the weird paper thing that they put on the table and then I had to try to decide if it was my date or maybe myself that the waitress had it in for. Seeing as how I was thirsty when we left, I have now decided it was me. I still tipped decently and was able enjoy the company and the food, so I don't think it was a total loss. No nothing was lost.
So anyway it was a good weekend. And by good I mean great...
"This may never start. I'll tear us apart"
Disappointment followed by strong relief are both necessary feelings at this time. I love moving forward.
Conflict is created by our own self-imposed views.
It's been a conflicting weekend, but I tend to make things more complicated than necessary. I am generally easy-going and simple, but when it comes to important things I over analyze and over complicate. I think I made the right decision. I know I made the right decision.
Once a decision is made, I don't go back. Stubbornness is one of those traits that I am unable and unwilling to modify. Sorry...
"This may never start. Tearing out my heart. Can I be your memory?"
I knew that change was coming and now that it is here, I am thrilled. It is surprising that I used to resist it so much.
I am trying to become a nicer person. I am nice already.
Despite the fact that I have worn long-sleeved shirts all week, Fall weather still seems far away.
The trip to Memphis is now a certainty. Yay for direct flights, civil rights museums, Beale Street, my friend's new place, and new traditions. Too bad the Jesus college people decided to take away my much-anticipated fall break at the last minute. I was looking forward to having that week off, but I suppose I can't have everything...
I don't have the time to think and reflect on everything anymore. I will have to trust myself on this one...
"...For a moment I know that I live..."
Night,
E
"This may never start. We could fall apart"
I am sitting here drinking a Red Stripe and eating a large slab of cranberry crunch bread that I recently purchased from the farmer's market this weekend. Yeah, it's been a pretty good night so far.
Sweeney Todd was even better than expected. I have decided that I enjoy going to plays.
Dinner at an unnamed italian restaurant was interestingly awkward for a number of reasons. The booth and the chair were so disproportionate (dude, that's my new favorite word) that I ate most of my dinner with my elbow bent upwards at a funny angle. I also had to resist the urge to begin coloring a not so pleasant picture on the weird paper thing that they put on the table and then I had to try to decide if it was my date or maybe myself that the waitress had it in for. Seeing as how I was thirsty when we left, I have now decided it was me. I still tipped decently and was able enjoy the company and the food, so I don't think it was a total loss. No nothing was lost.
So anyway it was a good weekend. And by good I mean great...
"This may never start. I'll tear us apart"
Disappointment followed by strong relief are both necessary feelings at this time. I love moving forward.
Conflict is created by our own self-imposed views.
It's been a conflicting weekend, but I tend to make things more complicated than necessary. I am generally easy-going and simple, but when it comes to important things I over analyze and over complicate. I think I made the right decision. I know I made the right decision.
Once a decision is made, I don't go back. Stubbornness is one of those traits that I am unable and unwilling to modify. Sorry...
"This may never start. Tearing out my heart. Can I be your memory?"
I knew that change was coming and now that it is here, I am thrilled. It is surprising that I used to resist it so much.
I am trying to become a nicer person. I am nice already.
Despite the fact that I have worn long-sleeved shirts all week, Fall weather still seems far away.
The trip to Memphis is now a certainty. Yay for direct flights, civil rights museums, Beale Street, my friend's new place, and new traditions. Too bad the Jesus college people decided to take away my much-anticipated fall break at the last minute. I was looking forward to having that week off, but I suppose I can't have everything...
I don't have the time to think and reflect on everything anymore. I will have to trust myself on this one...
"...For a moment I know that I live..."
Night,
E
Sunday, August 24, 2008
corndog eating + funny people meeting = appy fair good times
I really couldn't ask for much more from a weekend. I really couldn't ask for much more period.
The Sweeney Todd tickets have been purchased. The date is engraved on my Salvador Dali calendar. That means it's a go.
The Appy Fair did not disappoint. People watching should be an Olympic sport. As I fought my way through the clusters of middle-aged, corndog-lovin', obese women, I couldn't help but ponder the increasingly inviting prospect of moving. I did, however, really enjoy watching my niece get her face painted. My niece is cooler than your niece.
I attempted to help make some homemade wine today. I'll let you know how it turns out in a few months. Sake is the next project. I like projects.
You have to broaden your search in order to have the ability to narrow your focus and your thinking...
Sometimes things are unable to be written or explained or understood. Where did you go?
I don't know what I want. That is the problem. The hardest thing is not getting what you want, but deciding what it is that you want.
"All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away"
Some random thoughts for the moment...
millions of peaches, what would you have me do, fermentation, Sweeney Todd!, unity, Fall, focused thinking, disastrous Scrabble, new notebooks, balanced, 8-hour drives, gradual increases, happiness mixed with a little confusion, runner's high, left at low, closing ceremonies, secret surprises, therapeutic thoughts, last semester...
wow, I'm really sleepy...where the hell did August go?
Night,
E
The Sweeney Todd tickets have been purchased. The date is engraved on my Salvador Dali calendar. That means it's a go.
The Appy Fair did not disappoint. People watching should be an Olympic sport. As I fought my way through the clusters of middle-aged, corndog-lovin', obese women, I couldn't help but ponder the increasingly inviting prospect of moving. I did, however, really enjoy watching my niece get her face painted. My niece is cooler than your niece.
I attempted to help make some homemade wine today. I'll let you know how it turns out in a few months. Sake is the next project. I like projects.
You have to broaden your search in order to have the ability to narrow your focus and your thinking...
Sometimes things are unable to be written or explained or understood. Where did you go?
I don't know what I want. That is the problem. The hardest thing is not getting what you want, but deciding what it is that you want.
"All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away"
Some random thoughts for the moment...
millions of peaches, what would you have me do, fermentation, Sweeney Todd!, unity, Fall, focused thinking, disastrous Scrabble, new notebooks, balanced, 8-hour drives, gradual increases, happiness mixed with a little confusion, runner's high, left at low, closing ceremonies, secret surprises, therapeutic thoughts, last semester...
wow, I'm really sleepy...where the hell did August go?
Night,
E
Sunday, August 10, 2008
the month of goodbyes...
"I woke up from my sleep to the sound of that voice..."
There is gonna be a lot in this one...There is a lot going on...
Today has seemed long in comparison with the rest of the week. This makes me happy...
When there is too much to comprehend, we shut down, we fail, we freeze - until the springtime comes with its greener grass and bluer skies bringing us its warmth and brightness - and it is then that we begin to thaw...
Everything is deliberate...
It has been quite the month of goodbyes - three to be exact, but I have finally decided that it is not helpful to be sad about this. There is no need to say goodbye when a simple keep in touch will suffice.
I believe a trip to Nashville and then to Memphis is going to have to happen soon.
I am afraid that I will forget what you look like
My class presentation was traumatizing for a few different reasons. However, I think it was worth it because I received a lot of approving nods and an excellent grade is the most obvious outcome. Now if I could just finish that research proposal...
I am ready for Fall. I like Fall. Fall is looking promising...
Even at this point in the game, I still have constant realizations. I had a lot this weekend and I liked them.
I am too hard on myself.
I am paying my graduation fee tomorrow. I am excited about this, but I know that this really means that I can expect the inevitable restlessness to come in the near future.
I think I am more like you. I hate that we never got the chance to talk.
Life gets easier and easier the older I get, or at least more enjoyable.
For the first time probably ever, the 2 for $20 at Blockbuster did not fail me. This makes me pretty happy seeing as how my meager dvd collection was in need of some enhancing.
I had no idea I was so territorial over a parking spot, but boundaries are good and necessary.
There is an ungodly amount of mashed potatoes in my refrigerator and you would laugh if you looked in my freezer...
bloody hell
I have taken one step backward and two steps forward, but progress is progress. I am still confused and probably will be for a little while...
Is it possible to be connected but be detached at the same time? I am going to have to say yes.
I see its beauty and feel its power
to pull me deeper and make me cower
despite reservations, I'm swept under
although I'm hurting, I'm in awe and wonder
I know it needs me and it can hear me
to wrap around me and guide me clearly
in quiet calmness, I'm slowly revealed
although I'm hurting, I'm open and healed
I heed its caution and hear its warning
to keep me covered and start the morning
with perfect protection, I block the night
although I'm timid, I'm safe and alright
Wow, this was long, I am relaxed now...
Night,
E
There is gonna be a lot in this one...There is a lot going on...
Today has seemed long in comparison with the rest of the week. This makes me happy...
When there is too much to comprehend, we shut down, we fail, we freeze - until the springtime comes with its greener grass and bluer skies bringing us its warmth and brightness - and it is then that we begin to thaw...
Everything is deliberate...
It has been quite the month of goodbyes - three to be exact, but I have finally decided that it is not helpful to be sad about this. There is no need to say goodbye when a simple keep in touch will suffice.
I believe a trip to Nashville and then to Memphis is going to have to happen soon.
I am afraid that I will forget what you look like
My class presentation was traumatizing for a few different reasons. However, I think it was worth it because I received a lot of approving nods and an excellent grade is the most obvious outcome. Now if I could just finish that research proposal...
I am ready for Fall. I like Fall. Fall is looking promising...
Even at this point in the game, I still have constant realizations. I had a lot this weekend and I liked them.
I am too hard on myself.
I am paying my graduation fee tomorrow. I am excited about this, but I know that this really means that I can expect the inevitable restlessness to come in the near future.
I think I am more like you. I hate that we never got the chance to talk.
Life gets easier and easier the older I get, or at least more enjoyable.
For the first time probably ever, the 2 for $20 at Blockbuster did not fail me. This makes me pretty happy seeing as how my meager dvd collection was in need of some enhancing.
I had no idea I was so territorial over a parking spot, but boundaries are good and necessary.
There is an ungodly amount of mashed potatoes in my refrigerator and you would laugh if you looked in my freezer...
bloody hell
I have taken one step backward and two steps forward, but progress is progress. I am still confused and probably will be for a little while...
Is it possible to be connected but be detached at the same time? I am going to have to say yes.
I see its beauty and feel its power
to pull me deeper and make me cower
despite reservations, I'm swept under
although I'm hurting, I'm in awe and wonder
I know it needs me and it can hear me
to wrap around me and guide me clearly
in quiet calmness, I'm slowly revealed
although I'm hurting, I'm open and healed
I heed its caution and hear its warning
to keep me covered and start the morning
with perfect protection, I block the night
although I'm timid, I'm safe and alright
Wow, this was long, I am relaxed now...
Night,
E
more random thoughts and less creepy bugs lead to my satisfaction
"And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. I want what's yours and what is mine"
August is here...whether I am ready or not...
As expected, time is rapidly continuing on despite my own reluctance. I like change, but apparently this statement is true only when I have some control over it. I suppose this is normal.
It is imperative that this blog is not as unhappy sounding as my last one.
I am resisting change, but I want change. Why do I make some things so difficult?
It's almost time to start semester 4 of 4. Is it normal to want time to stop, but at the same time want it to go by quickly? I am too indecisive for my own good sometimes...
I found out this week that I was never meant to be a golfer, but I am certain that if I buy my own set of golf clubs I will instantly improve. For sure.
I don't think that my sarcastic personality is all that understood, but hell, most people are generally misunderstood anyway.
So anyways, assuming that you are still with me, I will end this by telling you about how I was accosted by a bug last week. I will try to make this short...
Last Thursday, I was sleeping soundly when I woke up abruptly around 2am with the sudden disturbing realization that...something just crawled across my hand! I jumped up and turned the light on to notice a black beetle sitting comfortably on my pillow. Do you understand how close that was to my face!?
In times like this, rational thoughts are limited and my sleepy self ran to get something to smash it with. It's a good thing I started to wake up soon thereafter and realized that smashing a bug on my pillow was probably not the best way to deal with this situation. It was nothing that a large wad of toilet paper and my commode couldn't handle.
I still cringe a little when I think of that creepy feeling of it brushing against my hand....that's all.
I might have been attacked by a hard, black beetle, but Sweeney Todd is going to be playing at Barter Theatre soon. That makes me pretty excited. I am a fairly excited person these days...
Have a nice weekend and watch out for the bugs...
Night,
E
August is here...whether I am ready or not...
As expected, time is rapidly continuing on despite my own reluctance. I like change, but apparently this statement is true only when I have some control over it. I suppose this is normal.
It is imperative that this blog is not as unhappy sounding as my last one.
I am resisting change, but I want change. Why do I make some things so difficult?
It's almost time to start semester 4 of 4. Is it normal to want time to stop, but at the same time want it to go by quickly? I am too indecisive for my own good sometimes...
I found out this week that I was never meant to be a golfer, but I am certain that if I buy my own set of golf clubs I will instantly improve. For sure.
I don't think that my sarcastic personality is all that understood, but hell, most people are generally misunderstood anyway.
So anyways, assuming that you are still with me, I will end this by telling you about how I was accosted by a bug last week. I will try to make this short...
Last Thursday, I was sleeping soundly when I woke up abruptly around 2am with the sudden disturbing realization that...something just crawled across my hand! I jumped up and turned the light on to notice a black beetle sitting comfortably on my pillow. Do you understand how close that was to my face!?
In times like this, rational thoughts are limited and my sleepy self ran to get something to smash it with. It's a good thing I started to wake up soon thereafter and realized that smashing a bug on my pillow was probably not the best way to deal with this situation. It was nothing that a large wad of toilet paper and my commode couldn't handle.
I still cringe a little when I think of that creepy feeling of it brushing against my hand....that's all.
I might have been attacked by a hard, black beetle, but Sweeney Todd is going to be playing at Barter Theatre soon. That makes me pretty excited. I am a fairly excited person these days...
Have a nice weekend and watch out for the bugs...
Night,
E
Monday, June 30, 2008
100,000 miles
This one might not be so ambiguous...The ones to come will be...That is a promise...
I took my last shot with the San Francisco shot glass...
Why do I have such difficulty with saying goodbye?
That is who I am and I can't help it.
It is so important to keep things in perspective... On so many levels...
Generous. Patience. Gratitude. Self-restraint.
My car reached a milestone today. In order to understand this fully you will have to look at my pictures that I'm not so certain I will be sober enough to upload at this time. 100k miles.
So, I will tell you the story...
I decided that it was imperative that I get my hair cut today due to the split-end problem and the excessively long hair issues as of late. That being said, I proceeded to go and have my hair trimmed. The wonderful lady, whom I tipped well, actually cut a little too much off today, thus leaving me looking like a skank. Anyways, it's all good. My hair grows at a rapid rate.
I will not complain since she has a knack for making my hair straight and silky. I, however, am incompetent when it comes to such things...I am incompetent in so many areas...
I just took my last shot of sake that you left me...
Anyways, good times, ...
I proceeded to drive home. Immediately, my attention was drawn to my odometer. A panic rose inside of me. My odometer read 99,995 miles. Do you understand how close that is to 100,000 miles?
I proceeded to drive home with one eye on the road and the other on the odometer while silently hoping that I had less than 5 miles left in my journey home. This sense of urgency continued as I passed my bank and my Shell station that has become my new gas destination. I had a great desire to document this milestone. My car is aging. 100,000 miles. It's time for a new timing belt people...
It is time to replace the parts that might be worn and weary...(that is cryptic people!)
In an effort to make a long story short, I made it. I ran inside and I retrieved my outdated camera from my desk. I drove around my apartment complex and I took pictures as the numbers slowly changed from 99,999 to 100,000.
I don't want to miss a thing. I am awake...
My neighbor was outside doing weird things with his water hose when I believe he saw me circling around the neighborhood taking multiple pictures of my Honda. I believe he might think I am odd. I think he is odd as well...In times like these there is no need to be insecure. No one really cares anyway...
All in all, it has been a good day...
I took my last shot with the San Francisco shot glass...
Why do I have such difficulty with saying goodbye?
That is who I am and I can't help it.
It is so important to keep things in perspective... On so many levels...
Generous. Patience. Gratitude. Self-restraint.
My car reached a milestone today. In order to understand this fully you will have to look at my pictures that I'm not so certain I will be sober enough to upload at this time. 100k miles.
So, I will tell you the story...
I decided that it was imperative that I get my hair cut today due to the split-end problem and the excessively long hair issues as of late. That being said, I proceeded to go and have my hair trimmed. The wonderful lady, whom I tipped well, actually cut a little too much off today, thus leaving me looking like a skank. Anyways, it's all good. My hair grows at a rapid rate.
I will not complain since she has a knack for making my hair straight and silky. I, however, am incompetent when it comes to such things...I am incompetent in so many areas...
I just took my last shot of sake that you left me...
Anyways, good times, ...
I proceeded to drive home. Immediately, my attention was drawn to my odometer. A panic rose inside of me. My odometer read 99,995 miles. Do you understand how close that is to 100,000 miles?
I proceeded to drive home with one eye on the road and the other on the odometer while silently hoping that I had less than 5 miles left in my journey home. This sense of urgency continued as I passed my bank and my Shell station that has become my new gas destination. I had a great desire to document this milestone. My car is aging. 100,000 miles. It's time for a new timing belt people...
It is time to replace the parts that might be worn and weary...(that is cryptic people!)
In an effort to make a long story short, I made it. I ran inside and I retrieved my outdated camera from my desk. I drove around my apartment complex and I took pictures as the numbers slowly changed from 99,999 to 100,000.
I don't want to miss a thing. I am awake...
My neighbor was outside doing weird things with his water hose when I believe he saw me circling around the neighborhood taking multiple pictures of my Honda. I believe he might think I am odd. I think he is odd as well...In times like these there is no need to be insecure. No one really cares anyway...
All in all, it has been a good day...
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
random tuesday...
"It may sound absurd...but don't be naive. Even heroes have the right to bleed. I may be disturbed...but won't you concede. Even heroes have the right to dream".
It is a new week. It is a new day. Nothing is new, but I like new.
It appears as if I might have had a little too much wine while cooking a sweet dinner tonight although I really wasn't cooking for very long. Oops.
It is probably not the best idea to order books online while slightly under the influence, but that is exactly what I just did. I suppose there are much worse decisions I could make while intoxicated. You really would laugh if you saw the combination of books on said order. If you know me well, though, I think you would understand.
Something a patient said to me really had an impact on me today. He had no idea how nice what he said was.
This blog is going to be more random than I would prefer. My life is random at the moment so it is a fairly accurate reflection of a few of my thoughts.
I have eaten a lot of spinach today.
I don't like standing still and I haven't fully began that process yet.
I miss you already.
My niece isn't even three yet and she can basically already swim. Sometimes I think she is smarter than me.
I am happy.
Trip number two to Carowinds is planned for this weekend. I have gone with a group before, but it has been a long time. This should be interesting.
I have set a reasonable time limit in my mind and I am going to stick with it. It is with the intention that it is for my own good. Besides, I don't know what I'm doing and it is not as easy as one would think, so avoidance behaviors appear to be helpful (or at least protective) at the moment.
There was blog that was completed in its entirety the other night, but I backed out and deleted it. Ambiguity is a necessity.
I understand my motives. What were yours?
You masked it. You were ashamed. I needed it. I need it.
You hurt me. You let others hurt me.
I overcame this without your help.
Intact. Unsure. Safe.
You have been an influential part of my life. A good influence and I am thankful.
I'm not so sure my way of thinking is the correct way of thinking, but right now it is the best way of thinking...I hope.
This post, although you might not fully be aware, has been a little darker than I originally intended. That was not my intention. That being said, I will now attempt to brighten this a little bit with a few things that I am very fond of at the moment...just to name a few...
peacefulness, yoga, nachos, learning, sarcasm, usefulness, the process, small achievements, writing...not so well, road trips, endorphins!, wine, converation, different people, fun, goals, music, sushi, good books, newness, productivity, openness...
Be good,
E
It is a new week. It is a new day. Nothing is new, but I like new.
It appears as if I might have had a little too much wine while cooking a sweet dinner tonight although I really wasn't cooking for very long. Oops.
It is probably not the best idea to order books online while slightly under the influence, but that is exactly what I just did. I suppose there are much worse decisions I could make while intoxicated. You really would laugh if you saw the combination of books on said order. If you know me well, though, I think you would understand.
Something a patient said to me really had an impact on me today. He had no idea how nice what he said was.
This blog is going to be more random than I would prefer. My life is random at the moment so it is a fairly accurate reflection of a few of my thoughts.
I have eaten a lot of spinach today.
I don't like standing still and I haven't fully began that process yet.
I miss you already.
My niece isn't even three yet and she can basically already swim. Sometimes I think she is smarter than me.
I am happy.
Trip number two to Carowinds is planned for this weekend. I have gone with a group before, but it has been a long time. This should be interesting.
I have set a reasonable time limit in my mind and I am going to stick with it. It is with the intention that it is for my own good. Besides, I don't know what I'm doing and it is not as easy as one would think, so avoidance behaviors appear to be helpful (or at least protective) at the moment.
There was blog that was completed in its entirety the other night, but I backed out and deleted it. Ambiguity is a necessity.
I understand my motives. What were yours?
You masked it. You were ashamed. I needed it. I need it.
You hurt me. You let others hurt me.
I overcame this without your help.
Intact. Unsure. Safe.
You have been an influential part of my life. A good influence and I am thankful.
I'm not so sure my way of thinking is the correct way of thinking, but right now it is the best way of thinking...I hope.
This post, although you might not fully be aware, has been a little darker than I originally intended. That was not my intention. That being said, I will now attempt to brighten this a little bit with a few things that I am very fond of at the moment...just to name a few...
peacefulness, yoga, nachos, learning, sarcasm, usefulness, the process, small achievements, writing...not so well, road trips, endorphins!, wine, converation, different people, fun, goals, music, sushi, good books, newness, productivity, openness...
Be good,
E
Monday, June 16, 2008
I may not be able to talk, but I can write damnit!
I'm writing again, these letters to you, aren't much I know...
Yes, those are lyrics people. If you actually listened to my excellent playlist, you would recognize them. Speaking of my playlist, I think for the first time ever, Kole enjoyed my music. This was evident in the way that she turned the volume up rather than down as she drove my Honda around the scenic city in pursuit of groceries to make some wonderful baked macaroni and cheese for our cookout. (Yes I am aware that sentence was too long).
I really enjoyed the recent trip to Chattanooga. Too bad it will not last much longer. Meaning. Significance. Departure. (Not the kind you're thinking of). It is my goal to use lots of parentheses in this blog!
You are in my life for a reason. I can already name many, but I think there is more to come. I am so happy that I met you.
Well it appears as if I have laryngitis. It would most likely be an intelligent idea to rest my voice, however, I have probably been talking more than usual lately. Unfortunately, the festivities that took place over the weekend perhaps were not the best thing for my ailing vocal cords.
Open. Unapologetic.
I am supposed to be doing more. Will I ever feel as if it is enough? probably not.
Despite my recent sickness that has left me with the voice of an alcoholic man, I am still remaining positive (refer to a previous blog if you don't quite know what I'm talking about). I've said this before, but the sky really is bluer, and the grass really is greener. For that, I am thankful. I am thankful for a great amount of things.
Considering the fact that I am a nurse, I sure do hate taking medications. Actually, the true problem is that I hate dependence.
I am the luckiest, unlucky person that I know. This sounds vaguely familiar because I have also been called the dumbest smart person known as well. I tend to agree.
There is so much that I don't want to forget. There is so much left to remember. There is so much left to give. I need to stop rushing. I am still working on the patience issue. downfall.
I am afraid I may have created a life that is too busy. I am neglecting things (or people) that I do not wish to neglect. Am I selfish? Are these necessary sacrifices? I'm not so sure that either is the correct answer.
There is a certain recent issue that makes me question things that I have been trying to avoid. I was given decent perspective tonight (or at least some things to think about), however, there is still something in me that doesn't want to hear it. Why do I block out things that I know are wrong? I don't think I can block this one. Fairness. Practicality. Pragmatical.
random thoughts for the night (that I am too sleepy to blog about)...
gnats floating in my ice cold water, undone, planned focus, reconnecting with at least one positive past memory (hey, there are few), nonexistent voice, intuition, confusion, standing still, veils, true grief, understanding through experience, chemical burns, restless, face down, denouement...
"I was being unmade. I was no one".
"Nothing is yet in its true form".
night,
E
Yes, those are lyrics people. If you actually listened to my excellent playlist, you would recognize them. Speaking of my playlist, I think for the first time ever, Kole enjoyed my music. This was evident in the way that she turned the volume up rather than down as she drove my Honda around the scenic city in pursuit of groceries to make some wonderful baked macaroni and cheese for our cookout. (Yes I am aware that sentence was too long).
I really enjoyed the recent trip to Chattanooga. Too bad it will not last much longer. Meaning. Significance. Departure. (Not the kind you're thinking of). It is my goal to use lots of parentheses in this blog!
You are in my life for a reason. I can already name many, but I think there is more to come. I am so happy that I met you.
Well it appears as if I have laryngitis. It would most likely be an intelligent idea to rest my voice, however, I have probably been talking more than usual lately. Unfortunately, the festivities that took place over the weekend perhaps were not the best thing for my ailing vocal cords.
Open. Unapologetic.
I am supposed to be doing more. Will I ever feel as if it is enough? probably not.
Despite my recent sickness that has left me with the voice of an alcoholic man, I am still remaining positive (refer to a previous blog if you don't quite know what I'm talking about). I've said this before, but the sky really is bluer, and the grass really is greener. For that, I am thankful. I am thankful for a great amount of things.
Considering the fact that I am a nurse, I sure do hate taking medications. Actually, the true problem is that I hate dependence.
I am the luckiest, unlucky person that I know. This sounds vaguely familiar because I have also been called the dumbest smart person known as well. I tend to agree.
There is so much that I don't want to forget. There is so much left to remember. There is so much left to give. I need to stop rushing. I am still working on the patience issue. downfall.
I am afraid I may have created a life that is too busy. I am neglecting things (or people) that I do not wish to neglect. Am I selfish? Are these necessary sacrifices? I'm not so sure that either is the correct answer.
There is a certain recent issue that makes me question things that I have been trying to avoid. I was given decent perspective tonight (or at least some things to think about), however, there is still something in me that doesn't want to hear it. Why do I block out things that I know are wrong? I don't think I can block this one. Fairness. Practicality. Pragmatical.
random thoughts for the night (that I am too sleepy to blog about)...
gnats floating in my ice cold water, undone, planned focus, reconnecting with at least one positive past memory (hey, there are few), nonexistent voice, intuition, confusion, standing still, veils, true grief, understanding through experience, chemical burns, restless, face down, denouement...
"I was being unmade. I was no one".
"Nothing is yet in its true form".
night,
E
Sunday, June 1, 2008
no more discontentment...
This will be the second night in a row that I am posting a blog. That is slightly out of character. Sometimes I enjoy being out of character.
Don't assume that just because the poem I intend to post below is slightly unhappy sounding that I too am unhappy. That would be a false assumption. I don't like false assumptions.
I bought a new cd today. It is refreshing to actually buy a cd that I enjoy listening to all the way through. I think I might be the only one that still actually purchases cds, but I am ok with that. I like it when things are physically mine. (haha, that was cryptic; a lot of my blogs are cryptic).
Why now? I don't understand. You have had a few years, why now? I think I know why, but I will not recognize it. There is too much that I don't know.
If you are not already aware, I have a life list. You should have one too. The other day, someone, whom I will not name, asked me why I choose to call my list a life list instead of a bucket list. First, I said that this was quite the random question. Then, I answered. I prefer to properly refer to my list as one that is focused on living rather than on dying.
No more discontentment.
I finished two papers today. One of which is not due for another month. I know I have a problem. There are much worse problems that I could have, but I choose not to.
While driving my second vehicle today that I still have not fully become acquainted with yet, I noticed the extra-bright low coolant light decided to stay illuminated during my night-time trip to Wal-Mart (yeah, I know, I have a problem). I believe it might be time for me to learn how to take care of a truck. Damn.
Speaking of taking care of things, if you know me, you know that I attempt to take good care of my belongings. Well, I have to confess that I have discovered an exception to this behavior when it comes to my cell phone. The truth is that I hate my cell phone and I think that I purposefully drop it sometimes while secretly hoping that it will break so that I can rationalize buying a new one. Although I am not a real big fan of my phone, I do have to say that it is one durable piece of shit.
I thought about you more than I should have. I am going to stop that. Really. It is not helpful, and I told myself I would put an end to things that were not helpful.
I have to admit that I enjoyed returning to work after my vacation. Don't get me wrong, I dreaded it the night before, but once there, I had some I am so lucky moments. I am lucky.
This one is about more than what it initially appears to be...I don't expect you to know...
imageless, i cover up.
i go blank into the night
search my face that gives me away
from the worry that has left its mark.
hopeless, i give up
i go search, deep into the night
fight everyday with the words
that block the safe way from my sight
careless, i mess up
i go hide, into the ruin
help me put me back together
since i lost the towel i threw in
worthless, I drink up
i go numb, into my solace
leave me alone in this tonight
as i sink below the surface
loveless, i look up
i go run, into the past
trust has fled with the hurtful hands
that have left me alone at last
"Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?"
-C.S. Lewis
Goodnight,
E
Don't assume that just because the poem I intend to post below is slightly unhappy sounding that I too am unhappy. That would be a false assumption. I don't like false assumptions.
I bought a new cd today. It is refreshing to actually buy a cd that I enjoy listening to all the way through. I think I might be the only one that still actually purchases cds, but I am ok with that. I like it when things are physically mine. (haha, that was cryptic; a lot of my blogs are cryptic).
Why now? I don't understand. You have had a few years, why now? I think I know why, but I will not recognize it. There is too much that I don't know.
If you are not already aware, I have a life list. You should have one too. The other day, someone, whom I will not name, asked me why I choose to call my list a life list instead of a bucket list. First, I said that this was quite the random question. Then, I answered. I prefer to properly refer to my list as one that is focused on living rather than on dying.
No more discontentment.
I finished two papers today. One of which is not due for another month. I know I have a problem. There are much worse problems that I could have, but I choose not to.
While driving my second vehicle today that I still have not fully become acquainted with yet, I noticed the extra-bright low coolant light decided to stay illuminated during my night-time trip to Wal-Mart (yeah, I know, I have a problem). I believe it might be time for me to learn how to take care of a truck. Damn.
Speaking of taking care of things, if you know me, you know that I attempt to take good care of my belongings. Well, I have to confess that I have discovered an exception to this behavior when it comes to my cell phone. The truth is that I hate my cell phone and I think that I purposefully drop it sometimes while secretly hoping that it will break so that I can rationalize buying a new one. Although I am not a real big fan of my phone, I do have to say that it is one durable piece of shit.
I thought about you more than I should have. I am going to stop that. Really. It is not helpful, and I told myself I would put an end to things that were not helpful.
I have to admit that I enjoyed returning to work after my vacation. Don't get me wrong, I dreaded it the night before, but once there, I had some I am so lucky moments. I am lucky.
This one is about more than what it initially appears to be...I don't expect you to know...
imageless, i cover up.
i go blank into the night
search my face that gives me away
from the worry that has left its mark.
hopeless, i give up
i go search, deep into the night
fight everyday with the words
that block the safe way from my sight
careless, i mess up
i go hide, into the ruin
help me put me back together
since i lost the towel i threw in
worthless, I drink up
i go numb, into my solace
leave me alone in this tonight
as i sink below the surface
loveless, i look up
i go run, into the past
trust has fled with the hurtful hands
that have left me alone at last
"Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?"
-C.S. Lewis
Goodnight,
E
Saturday, May 31, 2008
everything seems brighter
I will attempt tonight a necessary effort to return to my vague blog writing. For this, you should consider yourself lucky. This is in no way influenced by the wine that I am drinking. If you believe that, then you don't know me so well after all. In fact, you don't know me so well at all. Okay, fine, a few might.
For some reason, I have had the best week ever. No, I don't mean to reference VH1, but I do mean the best week ever. I am uncertain as to why, but my attitude towards my day to day life has changed this week. Appreciation. Hope. Growth.
Everything seems different. Everything seems brighter.
My attempt to remain positive will prevail.
I wish I could explain it all to you, but when I try it seems as if you will never understand. It is not your fault; it is mine. My words are ineffective.
I am going to Carowinds twice in the month of June. While you are partially correct in your assumption that I must like roller coasters, you are not entirely right. I am not going to explain anymore here.
I feared for a brief moment that I might have lost my ability to remain ambiguous. However, this does kinda conflict with the quality of straightforward openness that I consider myself to possess.
Despite the recent sunburn, I laid out by the pool today. Perhaps that sounds unintelligent, but I like the sun and I wanted to read outside. Freedom. Independence. I don't quite mean the Fourth of July kind.
Fireworks are fun.
I have to be moving forward in order to be happy. I don't need much to make me happy.
With the exception of a very special poem, this is the happiest one I have written to date. Although you do not know what it is about, I do believe it properly coincides with my good mood and it is an appropriate depiction of some recent thoughts.
Walking away
from external worry
I avoid the gray
that becomes blurry
Without a glance
in the wrong direction
I take my chance
that provides protection
Turning inward
emotional release
I go forward
to find inner peace
Seeking solace
that is soon to begin
I find radiance
that shines deep within
Touching tender
in such beautiful form
I surrender
to find my heart warm
For some reason, I have had the best week ever. No, I don't mean to reference VH1, but I do mean the best week ever. I am uncertain as to why, but my attitude towards my day to day life has changed this week. Appreciation. Hope. Growth.
Everything seems different. Everything seems brighter.
My attempt to remain positive will prevail.
I wish I could explain it all to you, but when I try it seems as if you will never understand. It is not your fault; it is mine. My words are ineffective.
I am going to Carowinds twice in the month of June. While you are partially correct in your assumption that I must like roller coasters, you are not entirely right. I am not going to explain anymore here.
I feared for a brief moment that I might have lost my ability to remain ambiguous. However, this does kinda conflict with the quality of straightforward openness that I consider myself to possess.
Despite the recent sunburn, I laid out by the pool today. Perhaps that sounds unintelligent, but I like the sun and I wanted to read outside. Freedom. Independence. I don't quite mean the Fourth of July kind.
Fireworks are fun.
I have to be moving forward in order to be happy. I don't need much to make me happy.
With the exception of a very special poem, this is the happiest one I have written to date. Although you do not know what it is about, I do believe it properly coincides with my good mood and it is an appropriate depiction of some recent thoughts.
Walking away
from external worry
I avoid the gray
that becomes blurry
Without a glance
in the wrong direction
I take my chance
that provides protection
Turning inward
emotional release
I go forward
to find inner peace
Seeking solace
that is soon to begin
I find radiance
that shines deep within
Touching tender
in such beautiful form
I surrender
to find my heart warm
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
My life as a semi-cripple...
First I would like to start off with a link that is pertinent and most descriptive of my birthday at the beach. To answer a few of your initial questions, yes I wore sunblock and yes I apparently failed at staying adequately hydrated.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperthermia
Now that we have gotten that out of the way, I should say that I have excellent traveling companions who promptly helped rectify this situation. One of which, claimed multiple times that he was a lifeguard and that he knew what he was doing. The other was not in the best shape due to the swelling in her feet that had already began and would later inflict me. I'm not so sure I remember much more about the order of the events that followed except that it was very difficult to take my hand out from under the blankets to drink the gatorade that I was being forced to drink every five minutes. (wow that sounded dramatic).
I am sorry friends that I was unable to eat the $30 seafood plate that was quite the birthday surprise. I am glad, Austin, that you were able to have the best tuna that you have ever had. It proved to be quite expensive in the end. I'm not bitter, haha.
Now I am home. The remainder of my vacation has revolved around coordinating taking my steroids (six today) and atarax with food, attempting to walk despite the spasms and the increasing swelling in both feet, and frequent moisturizing of my skin that is shedding at alarming rates. All in all, it was an awesome birthday and a great vacation. I do regret that I was unable to make it to Hard Rock to get that T-shirt.
It is important to note in times like these that I have a strong family history of skin cancer. I am now officially scared of the sun.
Things I have learned while attempting to be an almost-cripple:
* Random conversations are interesting and abundant
* For people who slow down to let struggling people go first, you are not helping. This causes lots of pain and stress because I am trying to hurry since you are waiting on me. It really isn't rude to just walk on by.
* Aloe with lidocaine is useful.
* There is something bothersome about being passed by the old man on the scooter at the grocery store.
* While I am temporarily unable to walk without pain and must settle for restless sleep with my legs propped up, this is only short-term for me. These people live like this everyday and are able to maintain a normal level of productivity. I know that sometime soon I will resume my non-cripple existence and will then be able to go back to the gym, wear undergarments again, and be able to properly shave my legs.
I brought home enough sunshine for the whole state of Tennessee. Your welcome.
Have a wonderful week and be safe in the sun.
E
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperthermia
Now that we have gotten that out of the way, I should say that I have excellent traveling companions who promptly helped rectify this situation. One of which, claimed multiple times that he was a lifeguard and that he knew what he was doing. The other was not in the best shape due to the swelling in her feet that had already began and would later inflict me. I'm not so sure I remember much more about the order of the events that followed except that it was very difficult to take my hand out from under the blankets to drink the gatorade that I was being forced to drink every five minutes. (wow that sounded dramatic).
I am sorry friends that I was unable to eat the $30 seafood plate that was quite the birthday surprise. I am glad, Austin, that you were able to have the best tuna that you have ever had. It proved to be quite expensive in the end. I'm not bitter, haha.
Now I am home. The remainder of my vacation has revolved around coordinating taking my steroids (six today) and atarax with food, attempting to walk despite the spasms and the increasing swelling in both feet, and frequent moisturizing of my skin that is shedding at alarming rates. All in all, it was an awesome birthday and a great vacation. I do regret that I was unable to make it to Hard Rock to get that T-shirt.
It is important to note in times like these that I have a strong family history of skin cancer. I am now officially scared of the sun.
Things I have learned while attempting to be an almost-cripple:
* Random conversations are interesting and abundant
* For people who slow down to let struggling people go first, you are not helping. This causes lots of pain and stress because I am trying to hurry since you are waiting on me. It really isn't rude to just walk on by.
* Aloe with lidocaine is useful.
* There is something bothersome about being passed by the old man on the scooter at the grocery store.
* While I am temporarily unable to walk without pain and must settle for restless sleep with my legs propped up, this is only short-term for me. These people live like this everyday and are able to maintain a normal level of productivity. I know that sometime soon I will resume my non-cripple existence and will then be able to go back to the gym, wear undergarments again, and be able to properly shave my legs.
I brought home enough sunshine for the whole state of Tennessee. Your welcome.
Have a wonderful week and be safe in the sun.
E
Sunday, May 4, 2008
I need to stop taking naps in the middle of the day...
I have decided that I refuse to use my tax rebate to "help boost" the economy. As much as I would like to go on a shopping spree for clothes that I am certain to become too fat for in the next year or to go purchase a big t.v. that would not get much use, I have opted to save the money instead.
They sang a Lifehouse song at church today. I hope they plan to make this a common practice. I could recommend a few if they would like.
I need to do more. I hate complacency. I have more potential than I would ever admit to having.
So, I was behind a very slow older couple at Wal-Mart today. This allowed me some time to work on developing my patience. Since I had extra time due to the ten minutes it took to walk behind them from the register to the door, I ended up having many interesting thoughts and questions. I will not share all of them with you tonight, but some of them were, why should they be in a hurry and what would they really need to be in a hurry for? I hope that when I am that old and I am walking through a store (preferrably not a Wal-Mart) that I will not be in a hurry either. I am already tired of hurrying through life.
It does no good to have focus if you are focused on the wrong thing.
No, to better answer your question, I don't regret anything. Funny though since you have no idea what really has taken place, but I still feel the need to explain myself. It is a shame that I can not always do so under the present circumstances and I will not really attempt to tonight, but, everything that has happened has shaped me and changed me into the person I am now. I happen to like that person. Furthermore, I will never not appreciate greatness. And I will never not appreciate happiness. If bad times had not occurred, I would not be capable of fully recognizing the good times. Besides, it is not helpful to have regrets.
I have been reading some great books for school in preparation of semester 3 out of 4 that will be starting this week whether I am ready or not. Too bad my reading comprehension is at an all-time low and the smallest things distract me these days.
The beach trip is quickly approaching. My only goal is to relax, buy lots of unnecessary t-shirts, and take funny pictures. It really doesn't take much to make me happy. My playlist that I have on my page is really good. I think I might need to burn a beach trip cd for my traveling companions although I am certain that they will be haters. It's ok though because I plan to pack my mp3 player for backup.
I appreciate:
good weather, self-knowledge, usefulness, somehow having the understanding of the difference between true need and perceived need, emotions, starting points, happiness, random phone calls, empathy, my bester coming home, boneless buffalo wings, sarcasm, broken cycles, self worth, second chances, freedom, fun thoughts, independence, simple solutions, connectedness, and I really could go on for a long time...
I'm not being as vague as usual in this blog and that is mildly disturbing. In an attempt to recapture my vague emotions, I will now post a poem for you. I know that it really could be better but, I am tired.
Don't let me forget to be thankful
and don't resent me for this.
I have so much to make up for
but nothing I will miss.
Don't let me lose my direction
and don't believe that it's hopeless.
I have some room for correction
but I won't lose focus
Don't let me wait for nothing
and don't expect me to stay.
I have been looking for something
but it's not far away.
Well, I really should go to sleep because I plan on working off some frustration at the gym early tomorrow morning.
Night,
E
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
putting it all together...
Good morning. The nighttime has been fun. The daytime has been awesome.
I am going to post this first, rather than last. This is a parallel representation of my thoughts. full circle. written tonight. You really don't have to get it, and you shouldn't. There is sarcasm in there that you really shouldn't pick up on. This is probably the most personal, but vague one yet.
little girl is crying
she doesn't know why
she wonders
if hope can fall down from the sky
Hoping everyday for help
to come take her away
she holds on tightly to the hope
that all will be okay
little girl is lost
she never found her place
she wishes
that life wasn't just a waste
fighting eveyday to find
a way to regain control
she discovers strength through the struggles
aimed at deepening the soul
little girl is neglected
she knows no one is there
she is hungry
to find someone who cares
learning everyday to lose
the faith she wants to feel
she looks for love lost long ago
so she can learn it's real
little girl is confused
she never was taught
she believes
that happiness is just a thought
forgetting everyday we fail
to see that truth exists
she retreats back to false security
and ignores what she has missed
I am fighting sleep at the moment. I don't know why I do it. I am clinging onto the last hours of nighttime. my favorite time.
I am working on reducing the number of bottles that are in my freezer.
I watched a good movie today. I have to admit that despite the papers and the presentations, I actually like school. I do not like the added responsibility, but I am restless without it. My instructor e-mailed me today and said nice things. I am not all that accustomed to encouragement. Sweet.
Does anyone really pay attention anymore? Do I?
You would approve and that is one of the deciding factors. I wish you were here to tell me, but you left for reasons that are unknown to me. Maybe pure joy really is a joke.
Did you really mean a month? Soon I won't even remember what you look like.
It takes so much to really appreciate the small successes. At least I have the slightest chance of remembering this and never taking it for granted. It's time for something new. I'm so thankful for halfway points. Downward is so direct.
Forget the blame, forget the bitterness, forget the hate and the disappointment. It is not helpful.
wasted potential, redemption, suffering, uncertainty...
The sense of self is one of the most useful things that can be learned.
I really hate that I tried to impress you and you didn't even notice. I suppose that is typical, but is it completely necessary?
I refuse to feel fear. Why do I push away any hope I have?
I am full of questions tonight.
I wish I could understand your world. We used to be so much alike. You continuously remind me that I am incapable of understanding, but do you get me? Times are changing, distance blocks the pathways to the redemptive process. We have made plans to meet at a point. A scary point for me.
I am a source of hope and comfort to others, but when it comes to my own life, I unintentionally reject comfort and hope. I know this.
On that note, it's time to pass out on my feather bed that was a gift from the bester. thank you.
E
I am going to post this first, rather than last. This is a parallel representation of my thoughts. full circle. written tonight. You really don't have to get it, and you shouldn't. There is sarcasm in there that you really shouldn't pick up on. This is probably the most personal, but vague one yet.
little girl is crying
she doesn't know why
she wonders
if hope can fall down from the sky
Hoping everyday for help
to come take her away
she holds on tightly to the hope
that all will be okay
little girl is lost
she never found her place
she wishes
that life wasn't just a waste
fighting eveyday to find
a way to regain control
she discovers strength through the struggles
aimed at deepening the soul
little girl is neglected
she knows no one is there
she is hungry
to find someone who cares
learning everyday to lose
the faith she wants to feel
she looks for love lost long ago
so she can learn it's real
little girl is confused
she never was taught
she believes
that happiness is just a thought
forgetting everyday we fail
to see that truth exists
she retreats back to false security
and ignores what she has missed
I am fighting sleep at the moment. I don't know why I do it. I am clinging onto the last hours of nighttime. my favorite time.
I am working on reducing the number of bottles that are in my freezer.
I watched a good movie today. I have to admit that despite the papers and the presentations, I actually like school. I do not like the added responsibility, but I am restless without it. My instructor e-mailed me today and said nice things. I am not all that accustomed to encouragement. Sweet.
Does anyone really pay attention anymore? Do I?
You would approve and that is one of the deciding factors. I wish you were here to tell me, but you left for reasons that are unknown to me. Maybe pure joy really is a joke.
Did you really mean a month? Soon I won't even remember what you look like.
It takes so much to really appreciate the small successes. At least I have the slightest chance of remembering this and never taking it for granted. It's time for something new. I'm so thankful for halfway points. Downward is so direct.
Forget the blame, forget the bitterness, forget the hate and the disappointment. It is not helpful.
wasted potential, redemption, suffering, uncertainty...
The sense of self is one of the most useful things that can be learned.
I really hate that I tried to impress you and you didn't even notice. I suppose that is typical, but is it completely necessary?
I refuse to feel fear. Why do I push away any hope I have?
I am full of questions tonight.
I wish I could understand your world. We used to be so much alike. You continuously remind me that I am incapable of understanding, but do you get me? Times are changing, distance blocks the pathways to the redemptive process. We have made plans to meet at a point. A scary point for me.
I am a source of hope and comfort to others, but when it comes to my own life, I unintentionally reject comfort and hope. I know this.
On that note, it's time to pass out on my feather bed that was a gift from the bester. thank you.
E
Sunday, April 20, 2008
I'm sleeping in tomorrow...
I am sleepy, but I'm not quite ready for bed. This is going to be vaguely insightful.
negativity ultimately leads to failure whereas positivity helps secure success...
Well I stocked up on a cartful of groceries so I can attempt to make some kick-ass lasagnas for tomorrow. One is going to have a lot of meat, the other not so much. And by not so much, I mean spinach. I love spinach. Too bad I had to stand in line at Wal-Mart for 15 minutes. No, I am not exaggerating, I timed it. I have noticed some mild improvement on my latest goal that involves developing patience. This goal has nothing to do with standing in line at Wal-Mart.
I'm going to stop and enjoy it this time...This might be the last time...for real...
The end of the semester is in my near future. I hate to admit it, but I have given up on the presentation that is going to happen on Wednesday. Time is going to keep going despite my obvious lack of productivity. Why couldn't I have figured that out when I was younger?
I cry when I think about the beginning. And what is to come. It is a good cry, not a bad one. Damn emotions. My fear of weakness is at an all-time high.
I have eaten more meat this month than I have in the past year.
My upcoming vacation excites me for more reasons than the obvious.
I am not very good at tennis. I am good at a lot of things. I just haven't discovered them yet.
Resilience. This is what I learned. This won't ever go away.
Serendipity. This is the best description at this time. This greatly contributes to happiness.
I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to get a shower curtain liner since mine was struggling. Instead, I ended up with a whole freakin' bathroom. Apparently, I am a sucker for green and brown stripes. At least I did manage to talk myself out of the completely unnecessary toothbrush holder. Yay for small achievements.
I really like nice. Oh yeah, and sweet. We are conditioned to not like those things. Or maybe that was just a result of unfortunate events.
Protection. I wasn't born with such thick walls.
I want to eat some sushi. It has been a really long time. I am continuously wanting, but continuously satisfied.
I could post a poem tonight, but it is too obvious.
Strong emotions contribute to vulnerability. I'm not so sure that's a bad thing.
Night.
negativity ultimately leads to failure whereas positivity helps secure success...
Well I stocked up on a cartful of groceries so I can attempt to make some kick-ass lasagnas for tomorrow. One is going to have a lot of meat, the other not so much. And by not so much, I mean spinach. I love spinach. Too bad I had to stand in line at Wal-Mart for 15 minutes. No, I am not exaggerating, I timed it. I have noticed some mild improvement on my latest goal that involves developing patience. This goal has nothing to do with standing in line at Wal-Mart.
I'm going to stop and enjoy it this time...This might be the last time...for real...
The end of the semester is in my near future. I hate to admit it, but I have given up on the presentation that is going to happen on Wednesday. Time is going to keep going despite my obvious lack of productivity. Why couldn't I have figured that out when I was younger?
I cry when I think about the beginning. And what is to come. It is a good cry, not a bad one. Damn emotions. My fear of weakness is at an all-time high.
I have eaten more meat this month than I have in the past year.
My upcoming vacation excites me for more reasons than the obvious.
I am not very good at tennis. I am good at a lot of things. I just haven't discovered them yet.
Resilience. This is what I learned. This won't ever go away.
Serendipity. This is the best description at this time. This greatly contributes to happiness.
I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to get a shower curtain liner since mine was struggling. Instead, I ended up with a whole freakin' bathroom. Apparently, I am a sucker for green and brown stripes. At least I did manage to talk myself out of the completely unnecessary toothbrush holder. Yay for small achievements.
I really like nice. Oh yeah, and sweet. We are conditioned to not like those things. Or maybe that was just a result of unfortunate events.
Protection. I wasn't born with such thick walls.
I want to eat some sushi. It has been a really long time. I am continuously wanting, but continuously satisfied.
I could post a poem tonight, but it is too obvious.
Strong emotions contribute to vulnerability. I'm not so sure that's a bad thing.
Night.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
wow, strangely, this is an uplifting one...
I have taken procrastination to all new levels for me. Yay for unhelpful achievements. My definition of procrastination is different from yours.
I just want it to be over at this point. I have drank too much wine at this point.
incompetent. damn. My definition of competence is different from yours.
I don’t think it exists. Settle in. Settle down. But don’t settle.
There will not be many complete sentences in this blog. lucky you.
The cycle is repeating and I will distance myself this time. People do not change. People stay the same. And by people, I just mean one.
I will learn. I will not repeat. I will not fail.
Too many paths lead to indecision
Forward is too far away
Unable to act with much precision
Keep looking for my place to stay
Too much hope will lead to my despair
Deeper is not deep enough
Staying open is much too unfair
But I’ll fight my way although it’s rough
Too much kindness leads to real resentment
Further into the unknown
Doubt leads to days full of discontentment
For this I gladly go alone
I just want it to be over at this point. I have drank too much wine at this point.
incompetent. damn. My definition of competence is different from yours.
I don’t think it exists. Settle in. Settle down. But don’t settle.
There will not be many complete sentences in this blog. lucky you.
The cycle is repeating and I will distance myself this time. People do not change. People stay the same. And by people, I just mean one.
I will learn. I will not repeat. I will not fail.
Too many paths lead to indecision
Forward is too far away
Unable to act with much precision
Keep looking for my place to stay
Too much hope will lead to my despair
Deeper is not deep enough
Staying open is much too unfair
But I’ll fight my way although it’s rough
Too much kindness leads to real resentment
Further into the unknown
Doubt leads to days full of discontentment
For this I gladly go alone
Saturday, March 29, 2008
rainy saturday
April showers bring May flowers. Oh wait...it’s still March. Damn. I’ve never been a real big fan of March...
However, I am becoming a real big fan of online shopping these days. I have discovered that I am becoming lazier and lazier as I get older. Okay fine I’m not that bad. I just like convenience. Are you still reading this?
At my friend’s request, I have at last relented and created a blogspot. After all, I do have to keep up with the year long engagement updates. I wish I could write what all I am constantly thinking in my head.
I somehow managed to put off getting the batteries in my watch changed for over a month. That’s annoying considering the inconvenience of not having a watch that actually tells the time far outweighs the inconvenience of waiting one minute for someone to change the battery.
Reason and practicality are telling me to quit, but I have to hang on. That has always been a part of my nature. I am too nice. Don’t laugh, it’s true.
This week has flown by at an alarming rate, but I have attempted to slow down and take in the good things about the week...
How the hell am I too anemic to donate blood? I eat a diet that is ridiculously high in iron. At least I know why I’ve been so freakin’ tired all week. This has happened before, but this time my hemoglobin was considerably worse. They said I should go see my doctor. Being the stubborn nurse that I am, I have no plans to see a doctor at the moment, but if this were you, I would tell you to go see your doctor. I, however, am going to opt for taking an iron supplement and avoid seeing my old, creepy doctor that gropes me every time I come in. haha, don’t ask. Anyway, I’m really not too fond of taking supplements because I think we should be responsible for getting our vitamins and nutrients from our diet. I am apparently not getting enough iron in my diet. Either that or I am bleeding somewhere and have failed to notice. I like to think that I’m a little more observant than that so I might consider eating red meat every now and then. Yeah, that could help.
My coworker gave me a random, thoughtful thank you card and gift the other day. Wow. I’m glad that someone thinks I’m useful.
Where did my patience go? Never mind, I never had any. Somehow, I am beginning to attempt to work on this.
I had a really good dream last week. Too bad it was a dream...
I think I know what I want now. Some things unfortunately are just unobtainable.
I have been eating chocolate from Easter lately. While it is true that I don’t really care that much for chocolate, I have always had a fondness for Mr. Goodbars. That is truly some useful information for you. This blog is perhaps not the coolest thing you’ve ever read, but I am not making you read it. So there.
Straight-forward honesty is such a useful concept. Open honesty. Trust.
Why do we knowingly cause other people to suffer? I have a real problem with understanding this one.
Why do we knowingly cause ourselves to suffer? Self-sabotage. Guilt. Learned behavior.
Self-critical. Self-reliant. Self-sufficient.
The grass is greener, the sky is bluer...
Hmmm, I have been given the choice between a boat tour thing or parasailing. Too bad I have a poor capacity for decision making.
No, I am not wearing colored contact lenses. I don’t like them. I dislike fakeness. Why are people all of the sudden asking me this. Four random people have asked me this week. My eyes are not all that impressive.
My recent poetry has been too private to post. So I will post some lyrics for tonight...
Until my eyes cry out
’til my head is free from doubt
’til my lungs sigh right out
’til I’m wiser
Let the sun
Fall all over me
This life’s not living, baby
If living ain’t free
If I can’t find my way back to me
Let the sun fall down all over me
Let the sun fall down
More ambiguous words to describe even more ambiguous thoughts...
arm veins, slow down-but not too slow, state the obvious, falling out of touch, forgoing the formalities, attractive sweetness, remembering the forgotten, new levels of procrastination, new levels of hope and satisfaction, confusing new people, new inspiration, crooked signs, do no harm, take me away, senseless stupidity...
I just got really sleepy all of the sudden...
Night,
E
However, I am becoming a real big fan of online shopping these days. I have discovered that I am becoming lazier and lazier as I get older. Okay fine I’m not that bad. I just like convenience. Are you still reading this?
At my friend’s request, I have at last relented and created a blogspot. After all, I do have to keep up with the year long engagement updates. I wish I could write what all I am constantly thinking in my head.
I somehow managed to put off getting the batteries in my watch changed for over a month. That’s annoying considering the inconvenience of not having a watch that actually tells the time far outweighs the inconvenience of waiting one minute for someone to change the battery.
Reason and practicality are telling me to quit, but I have to hang on. That has always been a part of my nature. I am too nice. Don’t laugh, it’s true.
This week has flown by at an alarming rate, but I have attempted to slow down and take in the good things about the week...
How the hell am I too anemic to donate blood? I eat a diet that is ridiculously high in iron. At least I know why I’ve been so freakin’ tired all week. This has happened before, but this time my hemoglobin was considerably worse. They said I should go see my doctor. Being the stubborn nurse that I am, I have no plans to see a doctor at the moment, but if this were you, I would tell you to go see your doctor. I, however, am going to opt for taking an iron supplement and avoid seeing my old, creepy doctor that gropes me every time I come in. haha, don’t ask. Anyway, I’m really not too fond of taking supplements because I think we should be responsible for getting our vitamins and nutrients from our diet. I am apparently not getting enough iron in my diet. Either that or I am bleeding somewhere and have failed to notice. I like to think that I’m a little more observant than that so I might consider eating red meat every now and then. Yeah, that could help.
My coworker gave me a random, thoughtful thank you card and gift the other day. Wow. I’m glad that someone thinks I’m useful.
Where did my patience go? Never mind, I never had any. Somehow, I am beginning to attempt to work on this.
I had a really good dream last week. Too bad it was a dream...
I think I know what I want now. Some things unfortunately are just unobtainable.
I have been eating chocolate from Easter lately. While it is true that I don’t really care that much for chocolate, I have always had a fondness for Mr. Goodbars. That is truly some useful information for you. This blog is perhaps not the coolest thing you’ve ever read, but I am not making you read it. So there.
Straight-forward honesty is such a useful concept. Open honesty. Trust.
Why do we knowingly cause other people to suffer? I have a real problem with understanding this one.
Why do we knowingly cause ourselves to suffer? Self-sabotage. Guilt. Learned behavior.
Self-critical. Self-reliant. Self-sufficient.
The grass is greener, the sky is bluer...
Hmmm, I have been given the choice between a boat tour thing or parasailing. Too bad I have a poor capacity for decision making.
No, I am not wearing colored contact lenses. I don’t like them. I dislike fakeness. Why are people all of the sudden asking me this. Four random people have asked me this week. My eyes are not all that impressive.
My recent poetry has been too private to post. So I will post some lyrics for tonight...
Until my eyes cry out
’til my head is free from doubt
’til my lungs sigh right out
’til I’m wiser
Let the sun
Fall all over me
This life’s not living, baby
If living ain’t free
If I can’t find my way back to me
Let the sun fall down all over me
Let the sun fall down
More ambiguous words to describe even more ambiguous thoughts...
arm veins, slow down-but not too slow, state the obvious, falling out of touch, forgoing the formalities, attractive sweetness, remembering the forgotten, new levels of procrastination, new levels of hope and satisfaction, confusing new people, new inspiration, crooked signs, do no harm, take me away, senseless stupidity...
I just got really sleepy all of the sudden...
Night,
E
Sunday, March 23, 2008
My sausage balls are crispy and yours should be too...
Originally posted on myspace March 23, 2008
It has been a fun day today. It is still a fun day tonight.
I have decided that I talk too much at times. Among other things, I really should learn to be a better listener. I will have to add that to the list.
I hiked up what I would like to consider a continuously steep hill today. Certainly my ass is going to be sore tomorrow. Sweet! Speaking of tomorrow, is it weird to go jogging on Easter?
Unwavering. Unobtrusive. Unsuspecting.
Thoughtful preparedness is much appreciated.
Well I have to say that my newly-made sausage balls are currently thriving in my refrigerator and awaiting Easter dinner tomorrow. However, my dessert is still sitting on the wax paper that is spread out all over the kitchen while I am not so patiently waiting on them to cool.
Change is coming again. I used to resist change before I realized how great it can be.
I really need a vacation. It will be a short one, but it is entirely necessary at the moment.
I hope there are not enough seats for everyone.
I need, I hope, I know, I learn, I remain focused on my goal.
It is difficult to discuss things appropriately when you have very few positive memories. I am working on building those positive memories.
I may have difficulties with making up my mind, but I can definitely tell you something that I do enjoy. That would be cooking while listening to music while drinking a beer, or two. You should try it some time.
I want the things that can’t ever be taken away. That is what I can control. That is my plan.
At this point, it would be hard to let anyone hinder my personal growth. Not anymore.
The highlight of my week was when my niece layed on me on the couch and watched my favorite childhood movie with me. Unfortunately, my writing abilities are incapable of adequately describing the greatness of this moment. Sometimes I am just unable to verbalize such things.
My thoughts...again:
beneficence, windy firetowers, make up your mind already, avoid the awkwardness, constantly critiquing, unproductive productivity, predictability is overrated, just wing it, instant trust, don’t let history repeat itself, finally breaking the cycle, developing values, self reliance, newness,
Wow, my sausage balls are slightly addictive. They might not make it to Easter dinner after all.
Night,
E
It has been a fun day today. It is still a fun day tonight.
I have decided that I talk too much at times. Among other things, I really should learn to be a better listener. I will have to add that to the list.
I hiked up what I would like to consider a continuously steep hill today. Certainly my ass is going to be sore tomorrow. Sweet! Speaking of tomorrow, is it weird to go jogging on Easter?
Unwavering. Unobtrusive. Unsuspecting.
Thoughtful preparedness is much appreciated.
Well I have to say that my newly-made sausage balls are currently thriving in my refrigerator and awaiting Easter dinner tomorrow. However, my dessert is still sitting on the wax paper that is spread out all over the kitchen while I am not so patiently waiting on them to cool.
Change is coming again. I used to resist change before I realized how great it can be.
I really need a vacation. It will be a short one, but it is entirely necessary at the moment.
I hope there are not enough seats for everyone.
I need, I hope, I know, I learn, I remain focused on my goal.
It is difficult to discuss things appropriately when you have very few positive memories. I am working on building those positive memories.
I may have difficulties with making up my mind, but I can definitely tell you something that I do enjoy. That would be cooking while listening to music while drinking a beer, or two. You should try it some time.
I want the things that can’t ever be taken away. That is what I can control. That is my plan.
At this point, it would be hard to let anyone hinder my personal growth. Not anymore.
The highlight of my week was when my niece layed on me on the couch and watched my favorite childhood movie with me. Unfortunately, my writing abilities are incapable of adequately describing the greatness of this moment. Sometimes I am just unable to verbalize such things.
My thoughts...again:
beneficence, windy firetowers, make up your mind already, avoid the awkwardness, constantly critiquing, unproductive productivity, predictability is overrated, just wing it, instant trust, don’t let history repeat itself, finally breaking the cycle, developing values, self reliance, newness,
Wow, my sausage balls are slightly addictive. They might not make it to Easter dinner after all.
Night,
E
Is it springtime yet?
Originally posted on myspace March 17, 2008
I am ready to start a new week. I am ready for change.
Unfortunately, I am not too full of creativity tonight. I am thinking of impending events some of which are exciting and others not so much.
Friend, I love the new blog. I can’t wait to request the Bon Jovi at the wedding.
I should have gone jogging today. It was actually decent weather. If I can finish a paper that I have been unable to start, but am actually excited to write, I think I’ll go jogging tomorrow. Somehow, I have to bake a large ham somewhere in between all of this.
I haven’t colored easter eggs in a really long time. I think I should fit that in sometime next week.
You will all be happy to know that I have come up with a plan that will work to get my book scholarship money that King College has been holding hostage from me. Hahaha, I will outsmart you, business office people. Part of me (the impulsive part) wants to take the money and buy a wii, but sadly there is another part of me (the practical part) that says that maybe I should use the money for books. Damn.
I want to go hiking.
things I love: high hopes, expectancy, insight, halfway mark, second chances, taking the long way, looking back the whole way, overanalyzing, the irreplaceable things, having too much to even try to list...
I did manage to do a few useful things today, but nothing too helpful. I just got done doing yoga. I would have loved to go to the gym, but there is something very unrelaxing about the thought of my pager going off in the middle of class. So, in the comfort of my own living room, I used my back-up yoga dvds that have proven to be a very beneficial gift from a coworker.
regain balance, regain perspective, much too impersonal, freedom to fail, freedom to fall, I still remember, develop some patience, promising prognosis, safe is not simple...
What exactly is self-worth? It’s not as easy to define as one would expect. It’s ambiguous, changes unexpectedly, and is sometimes situational. Don’t ask.
Wow, I’m glad that no one reads this. I’m glad that I am happy. I am glad for a lot of things. We should never stop being thankful. Write that one down, haha.
Okay, I couldn’t decide if I should post the one about doubt or the one about fear. I chose the most recent thought for tonight and as usual the most vague. Here it goes. Don’t hate, it’s an experimental one...
D efying resistance against the disquiet
that lives in our lives when we try to deny it
O bscure in our worldview that becomes distorted
that consumes our once certain minds now left unsure
U nease is too often the culprit created
by those wavering who want the questions to cease
B linded by disbelief regarding our own worth
that threatens the thoughts that prove to be one-sided
T rapped in our troubles and lacking in clarity
that now is needed to examine things clearly
I am ready to start a new week. I am ready for change.
Unfortunately, I am not too full of creativity tonight. I am thinking of impending events some of which are exciting and others not so much.
Friend, I love the new blog. I can’t wait to request the Bon Jovi at the wedding.
I should have gone jogging today. It was actually decent weather. If I can finish a paper that I have been unable to start, but am actually excited to write, I think I’ll go jogging tomorrow. Somehow, I have to bake a large ham somewhere in between all of this.
I haven’t colored easter eggs in a really long time. I think I should fit that in sometime next week.
You will all be happy to know that I have come up with a plan that will work to get my book scholarship money that King College has been holding hostage from me. Hahaha, I will outsmart you, business office people. Part of me (the impulsive part) wants to take the money and buy a wii, but sadly there is another part of me (the practical part) that says that maybe I should use the money for books. Damn.
I want to go hiking.
things I love: high hopes, expectancy, insight, halfway mark, second chances, taking the long way, looking back the whole way, overanalyzing, the irreplaceable things, having too much to even try to list...
I did manage to do a few useful things today, but nothing too helpful. I just got done doing yoga. I would have loved to go to the gym, but there is something very unrelaxing about the thought of my pager going off in the middle of class. So, in the comfort of my own living room, I used my back-up yoga dvds that have proven to be a very beneficial gift from a coworker.
regain balance, regain perspective, much too impersonal, freedom to fail, freedom to fall, I still remember, develop some patience, promising prognosis, safe is not simple...
What exactly is self-worth? It’s not as easy to define as one would expect. It’s ambiguous, changes unexpectedly, and is sometimes situational. Don’t ask.
Wow, I’m glad that no one reads this. I’m glad that I am happy. I am glad for a lot of things. We should never stop being thankful. Write that one down, haha.
Okay, I couldn’t decide if I should post the one about doubt or the one about fear. I chose the most recent thought for tonight and as usual the most vague. Here it goes. Don’t hate, it’s an experimental one...
D efying resistance against the disquiet
that lives in our lives when we try to deny it
O bscure in our worldview that becomes distorted
that consumes our once certain minds now left unsure
U nease is too often the culprit created
by those wavering who want the questions to cease
B linded by disbelief regarding our own worth
that threatens the thoughts that prove to be one-sided
T rapped in our troubles and lacking in clarity
that now is needed to examine things clearly
I am certain I'll be sleepy tomorrow
Originally posted on myspace March 8, 2008
Today was a good day. It has been a good week. It has been a good year so far.
I am not good at meeting new people. Hey, at least I am aware of this. Wow, that sounded way too negative. I should stop that. Damn overanalyzation.
I suppose at this point I should admit that I might have partaken in a little too much alcohol while watching South Park tonight. Yes, I know, I am extremely cool. This is going to be longer than it should be and that is okay.
I attempted to order a bathing suit online for the first time since the choices in this area are less than optimal and I do have a couple of beach trips planned this year. I was forced to return the top though because it was very unattractive for me, but I still have high hopes. Don't let me down J. Crew.
I am not happy about losing an hour of sleep tonight due to the time change. I have decided to stay up late despite this because I will most likely be tired tomorrow regardless of the time I fall asleep. So, I have decided to stay up late and enjoy my night off. I just might have to take a nap after church before going to the gym tomorrow.
I think I might have a mild form of narcolepsy. Maybe I just don't get enough sleep, but I get a lot more than I used to get.
I drove the truck a little this week. I cried about half the time I was driving it. Perhaps it was the thoughts that came back to me all too quickly, the song on the radio that doesn't work that great, the seat that was adjusted and was waiting for his return, or the presence that I have to admit was there (in a calming way). too many memories. I think it is a good thing though so I will continue with this crazy endeavor. Do you like my useage of the word endeavor? I do, haha.
I need to plan another trip to Chattanooga before it is no more. I hope my friend's new fiance gets in to a law school that is conducive to adequate shopping, fun times, frozen pizzas, skanky establishments, parkway punches, drunken monopoly, scrabble, and wii-ing, scenic tours, random japanese places, awesome views off the back deck, and funny awkwardness.
I attempted to order a yoga mat today from amazon, but was unable to because I apparently have a problem with indecisiveness. This would be a great birthday gift for me. However, I don't really expect a birthday gift. My sister is going to decorate my half bathroom that is painfully bare for me because I have yet to do it. My mom got me the Harry Potter book set for Christmas and my birthday because it costs more than it should. Are you bored yet because I can go on...
I need to go to the grocery store. I just ate a whole zucchini.
Sleepy. Happy. Aware. Certain. Hopeful.
I am off on Easter weekend. That is both rare and exciting. I think I might make my drunken deviled eggs and sausage balls again in order to retain normalcy among my family. If you want to join me, that could be fun, if not, that is cool as well. I might even blog that night.
My attempt at blogging just got interrupted by a phone call from my bester who is currently suffering from the hiccups.
Some of my thoughts at the moment... (I know you care, so I will be as vague as possible) :
happiness for my friend, funny bridesmaid order, karma, failing at supporting, full circle, too selfish, unable to develop patience, it takes a little more each time, perfectionist, discovering what has been missing, successful group presentations, my new ring that was a gift, mutual love and respect, new people, almost half-way done, my back is sore, vulnerability, freedom, thank you, registration for 5 mile races, I obviously love alliteration, I love a lot of things, continuous revelations, no regrets, nine "free" credit hours, balance, lion chasing, change is good, I need to move someday, so freakin' thankful, I want to go hiking, I want a lot of things, level out...
This is the condensed short and sweet version. If you think you know what this is about, you are wrong. That is all.
I hear that it's hard to heal a hurt heart
but it's time that we try to be apart
i fear that i will be unable to stay
when the love and the loss finally fade away.
I know that it's scary to step out there
but we all have to start someday, somewhere
i go through the thoughts from yesterday
and the love and the loss finally fade away.
I distance myself from your dysfunctional dreams
but so few know all is not how it seems
i resent you too much to wait for the day
when the love and the loss finally fade away.
This has been too long. Good night.
E.
Today was a good day. It has been a good week. It has been a good year so far.
I am not good at meeting new people. Hey, at least I am aware of this. Wow, that sounded way too negative. I should stop that. Damn overanalyzation.
I suppose at this point I should admit that I might have partaken in a little too much alcohol while watching South Park tonight. Yes, I know, I am extremely cool. This is going to be longer than it should be and that is okay.
I attempted to order a bathing suit online for the first time since the choices in this area are less than optimal and I do have a couple of beach trips planned this year. I was forced to return the top though because it was very unattractive for me, but I still have high hopes. Don't let me down J. Crew.
I am not happy about losing an hour of sleep tonight due to the time change. I have decided to stay up late despite this because I will most likely be tired tomorrow regardless of the time I fall asleep. So, I have decided to stay up late and enjoy my night off. I just might have to take a nap after church before going to the gym tomorrow.
I think I might have a mild form of narcolepsy. Maybe I just don't get enough sleep, but I get a lot more than I used to get.
I drove the truck a little this week. I cried about half the time I was driving it. Perhaps it was the thoughts that came back to me all too quickly, the song on the radio that doesn't work that great, the seat that was adjusted and was waiting for his return, or the presence that I have to admit was there (in a calming way). too many memories. I think it is a good thing though so I will continue with this crazy endeavor. Do you like my useage of the word endeavor? I do, haha.
I need to plan another trip to Chattanooga before it is no more. I hope my friend's new fiance gets in to a law school that is conducive to adequate shopping, fun times, frozen pizzas, skanky establishments, parkway punches, drunken monopoly, scrabble, and wii-ing, scenic tours, random japanese places, awesome views off the back deck, and funny awkwardness.
I attempted to order a yoga mat today from amazon, but was unable to because I apparently have a problem with indecisiveness. This would be a great birthday gift for me. However, I don't really expect a birthday gift. My sister is going to decorate my half bathroom that is painfully bare for me because I have yet to do it. My mom got me the Harry Potter book set for Christmas and my birthday because it costs more than it should. Are you bored yet because I can go on...
I need to go to the grocery store. I just ate a whole zucchini.
Sleepy. Happy. Aware. Certain. Hopeful.
I am off on Easter weekend. That is both rare and exciting. I think I might make my drunken deviled eggs and sausage balls again in order to retain normalcy among my family. If you want to join me, that could be fun, if not, that is cool as well. I might even blog that night.
My attempt at blogging just got interrupted by a phone call from my bester who is currently suffering from the hiccups.
Some of my thoughts at the moment... (I know you care, so I will be as vague as possible) :
happiness for my friend, funny bridesmaid order, karma, failing at supporting, full circle, too selfish, unable to develop patience, it takes a little more each time, perfectionist, discovering what has been missing, successful group presentations, my new ring that was a gift, mutual love and respect, new people, almost half-way done, my back is sore, vulnerability, freedom, thank you, registration for 5 mile races, I obviously love alliteration, I love a lot of things, continuous revelations, no regrets, nine "free" credit hours, balance, lion chasing, change is good, I need to move someday, so freakin' thankful, I want to go hiking, I want a lot of things, level out...
This is the condensed short and sweet version. If you think you know what this is about, you are wrong. That is all.
I hear that it's hard to heal a hurt heart
but it's time that we try to be apart
i fear that i will be unable to stay
when the love and the loss finally fade away.
I know that it's scary to step out there
but we all have to start someday, somewhere
i go through the thoughts from yesterday
and the love and the loss finally fade away.
I distance myself from your dysfunctional dreams
but so few know all is not how it seems
i resent you too much to wait for the day
when the love and the loss finally fade away.
This has been too long. Good night.
E.
again
Originally posted on myspace February 17, 2008
in times of weakness, i grew weary
my worst worries, i tried to bury
you carry me, you carried me
through all the darkness, i looked for light
my path was elusive, i lost sight
you carry me, you carried me
through the doubt, i allowed to consume
my inside self, i tried to resume
you carry me, you carried me
through the confusion, i overcame
my mind is proud, of what i became
you carry me, you carried me
in times of weakness, i grew weary
my worst worries, i tried to bury
you carry me, you carried me
through all the darkness, i looked for light
my path was elusive, i lost sight
you carry me, you carried me
through the doubt, i allowed to consume
my inside self, i tried to resume
you carry me, you carried me
through the confusion, i overcame
my mind is proud, of what i became
you carry me, you carried me
In summary: I should be asleep
Originally posted on myspace February 10, 2008
Well, although it feels late, it is in fact still quite early. Against my better judgment and the recent consumption of the excess champagne from the New Year's festivities, I have made a drink involving vodka and diet cherry seven-up. While I am against the carbonation and even more so against the aspartame, it is readily accesible from my friend Kole's freezer.
Speaking of Kole, it has been a great weekend. All of which has included drunken wii-ing, productive shopping, drinking, conversing, wedding planning (haha), birthday celebration, grocery shopping, and margaritas and spinach quesadillas.
I am typing on my friend's Vaio. She is asleep with the fiance. They both must work in the morning. I, however, do not. I will be driving home while listening to my carefully crafted mixed cd and doing some hardcore thinking. Then it is time for the new socialization thing that I think will be fun and I have interestingly enough been excited about.
Too bad, I must wake up and resume normalcy and drive home. I know it is not bad.
Is it weird that I have recently become addicted to eating crushed ice? I believe there are much worse habits that I can have, but I can't seem to recall where this one came from.
I am hungry. At this point I should go to bed.
I don't deserve this, I am forever thankful, it will be okay.
Smile. Emotion. Damn.
My niece impresses me the more that I am around her. She enjoys the nurse's kit that I got her for Christmas and regularly "listens to my heart" with the stethoscope that was included in the gift. You should be happy to know that Bert the Beta, who was a birthday gift, is a well-fed fish that is still thriving. Also, I never thought that feeding the ducks could be so much fun.
A glimpse into the past is all it takes to make me appreciative of the present.
Will you miss me when you're gone?
We are more alike than you are able to comprehend.
What exactly is intimacy? It is available, in the future, it is fleeting and is not present.
I desperately need to write although I'm unable and it is difficult to verbalize what it is that I'm feeling. I am different. Self-discovery is an asset these days...
There has been a lot obtained from this weekend...
some redman for my new chevy that I am both honored and scared to drive although I hate chevies, japanese fortune cookie fortunes that are all too predictive, stolen chopsticks, increased wii skills that are apparently still not adequate, conversation, escape, a sweet jacket, relief of soreness, best shopping trip ever, a newly soon-to-be betrothed bester, impending beach trips, and I suppose some things that do not need to be listed here.
Unfortunately when i come home I will have to deal with...
work stress, group presentations, things in which at this time I do not wish to complete, change, a dying, neglected peace lily, an unfortunate situation that I am unable to help with, a possible scary situation that I wish to remove myself from, responsibility that i used to welcome but for some reason am now resisting, and more that does not really need to be included tonight.
Life is a good thing though... thankfully...
Night,
Well, although it feels late, it is in fact still quite early. Against my better judgment and the recent consumption of the excess champagne from the New Year's festivities, I have made a drink involving vodka and diet cherry seven-up. While I am against the carbonation and even more so against the aspartame, it is readily accesible from my friend Kole's freezer.
Speaking of Kole, it has been a great weekend. All of which has included drunken wii-ing, productive shopping, drinking, conversing, wedding planning (haha), birthday celebration, grocery shopping, and margaritas and spinach quesadillas.
I am typing on my friend's Vaio. She is asleep with the fiance. They both must work in the morning. I, however, do not. I will be driving home while listening to my carefully crafted mixed cd and doing some hardcore thinking. Then it is time for the new socialization thing that I think will be fun and I have interestingly enough been excited about.
Too bad, I must wake up and resume normalcy and drive home. I know it is not bad.
Is it weird that I have recently become addicted to eating crushed ice? I believe there are much worse habits that I can have, but I can't seem to recall where this one came from.
I am hungry. At this point I should go to bed.
I don't deserve this, I am forever thankful, it will be okay.
Smile. Emotion. Damn.
My niece impresses me the more that I am around her. She enjoys the nurse's kit that I got her for Christmas and regularly "listens to my heart" with the stethoscope that was included in the gift. You should be happy to know that Bert the Beta, who was a birthday gift, is a well-fed fish that is still thriving. Also, I never thought that feeding the ducks could be so much fun.
A glimpse into the past is all it takes to make me appreciative of the present.
Will you miss me when you're gone?
We are more alike than you are able to comprehend.
What exactly is intimacy? It is available, in the future, it is fleeting and is not present.
I desperately need to write although I'm unable and it is difficult to verbalize what it is that I'm feeling. I am different. Self-discovery is an asset these days...
There has been a lot obtained from this weekend...
some redman for my new chevy that I am both honored and scared to drive although I hate chevies, japanese fortune cookie fortunes that are all too predictive, stolen chopsticks, increased wii skills that are apparently still not adequate, conversation, escape, a sweet jacket, relief of soreness, best shopping trip ever, a newly soon-to-be betrothed bester, impending beach trips, and I suppose some things that do not need to be listed here.
Unfortunately when i come home I will have to deal with...
work stress, group presentations, things in which at this time I do not wish to complete, change, a dying, neglected peace lily, an unfortunate situation that I am unable to help with, a possible scary situation that I wish to remove myself from, responsibility that i used to welcome but for some reason am now resisting, and more that does not really need to be included tonight.
Life is a good thing though... thankfully...
Night,
Anothe one? Already?
Originally posted on myspace January 21, 2008
It seems as if I'm blogging more often than usual. That is alarming. I will tell you what is on my mind right now. It's not much, haha.
I want to go to the Breaking Benjamin/Seether/Three Days Grace concert at Freedom Hall on March 8th. It will probably not happen because I have a sister who has a child, a friend who is too far away who doesn't like my music, and many many other reasons why this will not happen. Oh well. I have never been to a good concert and I really should add this to my life list. If anyone who reads this (although it's not many anymore because I made my site private) would like to go, we should go. It would be fun.
It was fun to eat sushi tonight. It has been too long.
It's funny how people enter your lives for certain reasons. It can be to learn something new from them or it can be situational and all kinds of other things. I need to let go of whatever I was hoping for and just see things for how they really are. Why do I always strive for wonderful when things are already great? I'm really not that hard to please, but when it comes to things pertaining to myself it's an impossible feat. I am not allowed to say this but I have horribly low expectations. It's a learned coping mechanism put in place in order to avoid disappointment. Wow, doesn't that sound healthy?
Why do people settle? This is an act of self-hate and desperation and is totally not necessary or helpful.
I need to distance myself.
I think a trip to Chattanooga is in the near future in February. Shopping, drinking, talking, and good times. It will end soon, but what will become of it. It was a damn good thing while it lasted and at least I knew it while it was happening. In retrospect, I don't think I'd change a thing.
I am sad to say that my peace lily is dying. It is rather depressing considering it was given to me by Kole and Austin during recent sad times. I guess it should be watered more often than once a week. It is wilting. I expect for it to make a full recovery though now that I have discovered that I should perhaps water it a little more often. I am less responsible the older I get. I am certain that this is not normal. Oops.
I really did mean it when I said congrats. I hate that you don't know me well enough to understand that. Yeah it's sad, but hell good job.
Give me a chance. It takes me a second you know.
I should be working on stuff for school. Instead I am writing and drinking wine and listening to an awesome new (old) cd. Fun times.
Why is time going by so fast? I don't even remember last week. I think in my attempt to begin new things, I have taken on too much. While it is fun and I seem to thrive under stressful circumstances, this is no way to enjoy life. It's funny that I say this though because this is the absolutely easiest life has ever been for me. Yet again, I am still not satisfied. What the hell is missing?
My perspective on life has changed drastically this year. I think that's a good, normal thing for me though. I am too quick to plan out the exact sequence of my life and that is just not practical. Although I tend to like control a little too much, I kind of like it when life throws you something completely unexpected. It makes things interesting in a good way.
I want to go skiing. I want a lot of things. I want to escape. I have all that I need.
I don't think I'm up for the job of being a support person. Why am I not good at this? I wonder if bitterness has gotten in the way. It's a damn shame if it has because that is counterproductive. I feel incompetent in this area and that is not very helpful for either one of us.
The zoo with my niece was awesome. It's interesting to watch my niece. She is how I would have been if I had grown up in a normal environment. Oh hell, did I just say that out loud. I'll blame that one on the alcohol. Thank God for well-adjusted kids.
Why can't people just be straight forward?
It has been brought to my attention by an unnamed person that I am unapproachable, rigid, yet respected. They said this was a compliment. Damn. Is this true? How does one obtain such descriptive adjectives? I am nice damnit. I really am.
I need something new.
I don't want that anymore. My wants have been changed for a while now. Things are changing too quickly. I am too honest. Is that really a bad thing?
Btw, I haven't proof read this, so don't be a hater.
Hey, you may not have enjoyed this post, but you will enjoy the song...
It seems as if I'm blogging more often than usual. That is alarming. I will tell you what is on my mind right now. It's not much, haha.
I want to go to the Breaking Benjamin/Seether/Three Days Grace concert at Freedom Hall on March 8th. It will probably not happen because I have a sister who has a child, a friend who is too far away who doesn't like my music, and many many other reasons why this will not happen. Oh well. I have never been to a good concert and I really should add this to my life list. If anyone who reads this (although it's not many anymore because I made my site private) would like to go, we should go. It would be fun.
It was fun to eat sushi tonight. It has been too long.
It's funny how people enter your lives for certain reasons. It can be to learn something new from them or it can be situational and all kinds of other things. I need to let go of whatever I was hoping for and just see things for how they really are. Why do I always strive for wonderful when things are already great? I'm really not that hard to please, but when it comes to things pertaining to myself it's an impossible feat. I am not allowed to say this but I have horribly low expectations. It's a learned coping mechanism put in place in order to avoid disappointment. Wow, doesn't that sound healthy?
Why do people settle? This is an act of self-hate and desperation and is totally not necessary or helpful.
I need to distance myself.
I think a trip to Chattanooga is in the near future in February. Shopping, drinking, talking, and good times. It will end soon, but what will become of it. It was a damn good thing while it lasted and at least I knew it while it was happening. In retrospect, I don't think I'd change a thing.
I am sad to say that my peace lily is dying. It is rather depressing considering it was given to me by Kole and Austin during recent sad times. I guess it should be watered more often than once a week. It is wilting. I expect for it to make a full recovery though now that I have discovered that I should perhaps water it a little more often. I am less responsible the older I get. I am certain that this is not normal. Oops.
I really did mean it when I said congrats. I hate that you don't know me well enough to understand that. Yeah it's sad, but hell good job.
Give me a chance. It takes me a second you know.
I should be working on stuff for school. Instead I am writing and drinking wine and listening to an awesome new (old) cd. Fun times.
Why is time going by so fast? I don't even remember last week. I think in my attempt to begin new things, I have taken on too much. While it is fun and I seem to thrive under stressful circumstances, this is no way to enjoy life. It's funny that I say this though because this is the absolutely easiest life has ever been for me. Yet again, I am still not satisfied. What the hell is missing?
My perspective on life has changed drastically this year. I think that's a good, normal thing for me though. I am too quick to plan out the exact sequence of my life and that is just not practical. Although I tend to like control a little too much, I kind of like it when life throws you something completely unexpected. It makes things interesting in a good way.
I want to go skiing. I want a lot of things. I want to escape. I have all that I need.
I don't think I'm up for the job of being a support person. Why am I not good at this? I wonder if bitterness has gotten in the way. It's a damn shame if it has because that is counterproductive. I feel incompetent in this area and that is not very helpful for either one of us.
The zoo with my niece was awesome. It's interesting to watch my niece. She is how I would have been if I had grown up in a normal environment. Oh hell, did I just say that out loud. I'll blame that one on the alcohol. Thank God for well-adjusted kids.
Why can't people just be straight forward?
It has been brought to my attention by an unnamed person that I am unapproachable, rigid, yet respected. They said this was a compliment. Damn. Is this true? How does one obtain such descriptive adjectives? I am nice damnit. I really am.
I need something new.
I don't want that anymore. My wants have been changed for a while now. Things are changing too quickly. I am too honest. Is that really a bad thing?
Btw, I haven't proof read this, so don't be a hater.
Hey, you may not have enjoyed this post, but you will enjoy the song...
Too random to be right...
Originally posted on myspace January 14, 2008
Good morning everyone. I can't sleep. I don't think I'm gonna post this one. I shouldn't post this one.
I'm going to the Knoxville Zoo tomorrow with the niece and sister. This will be fun; i should sleep. I am not sleeping. I want to take pictures at the zoo. I like four-word sentences.
Is it weird that I have almost completed everything on the syllabus for one of my classes. I can't stand to feel as if I need to be doing something. I can't enjoy anything until I get it done. I have a problem.
I used the shaker that is no longer hidden and some old juice. That would in part explain the odd, random blog tonight. Be proud.
So far I have managed to plan two beach trips for the summer this week. Anyone else want to go. Also, a trip to Carowinds will happen. I am cool, I know. I want to ride the Borg. If only it would snow. I want to go skiing. It's been so long. Things are so different now. This is random. Deal with it.
I keep increasing my barbell weight at the gym at this class I go to. For some reason, I can't make myself sore anymore. I am going to be buff and I will kick your ass, haha.
I have written a ridiculous amount of poetry tonight, but for some reason I can't post any of it. maybe another time. Maybe not. This is pushing it.
I think I have said this before, but it is worth repeating. I've got to stop listening to depressing music while drinking and blogging. Haha, it's the greatest though.
I wish you could be here. You are missing so much. It's not the same without you. You would be so proud, but you are never coming back. It is sad when you realize that you let an "outsider" bring things together. It is extremely sad when you realize things can't be the same now that they are gone. I also hate it when I can't verbalize my feelings. Thank God at least that there is no regret.
It's amazing how entertaining one seemingly random late night trip to Wal-Mart can be.
I need something different. I will find it. It's that time of year when I want change. It's coming up on the only time of the year that I am fully receptive to change. That is because I am in control. I don't like the change that is out of my control. Not at the moment anyway.
January is my new favorite month of the year.
You are protecting me. Thank you.
Wow, I don't think a single person is gonna understand any of this one. That is okay, maybe the Finlandia will, haha.
I have been thinking more about travel nursing lately. I have to leave this area. I used to want to do it for the money. Now, it has nothing to do with money. I don't care. I want experiences.
I want:
time to slow down, to bring you back, to have the right words, to run away, love, understanding, to know how to help, closure, clearer thoughts, simplicity, to figure out what i want, to let you in, to see the bigger picture, to make the right decisions, life experiences, you to notice me, more hope than i have, to help, deeper relationships, knowledge, rest, something new, to break out of my routine, strength...
I have:
strength, more than i should have, hope, a different understanding than you, dreams, failures, peace, interesting things to say, learned a lot, more optimism than is apparent, uncertainty, too many thoughts, delayed grieving, normalcy, more luck than is deserved, to let my guard down, over-analyzed things to a ridiculous level, a happy heart, an odd sense of humor, a lot to be happy for...
Wow, morning's gonna come early.
Night
Good morning everyone. I can't sleep. I don't think I'm gonna post this one. I shouldn't post this one.
I'm going to the Knoxville Zoo tomorrow with the niece and sister. This will be fun; i should sleep. I am not sleeping. I want to take pictures at the zoo. I like four-word sentences.
Is it weird that I have almost completed everything on the syllabus for one of my classes. I can't stand to feel as if I need to be doing something. I can't enjoy anything until I get it done. I have a problem.
I used the shaker that is no longer hidden and some old juice. That would in part explain the odd, random blog tonight. Be proud.
So far I have managed to plan two beach trips for the summer this week. Anyone else want to go. Also, a trip to Carowinds will happen. I am cool, I know. I want to ride the Borg. If only it would snow. I want to go skiing. It's been so long. Things are so different now. This is random. Deal with it.
I keep increasing my barbell weight at the gym at this class I go to. For some reason, I can't make myself sore anymore. I am going to be buff and I will kick your ass, haha.
I have written a ridiculous amount of poetry tonight, but for some reason I can't post any of it. maybe another time. Maybe not. This is pushing it.
I think I have said this before, but it is worth repeating. I've got to stop listening to depressing music while drinking and blogging. Haha, it's the greatest though.
I wish you could be here. You are missing so much. It's not the same without you. You would be so proud, but you are never coming back. It is sad when you realize that you let an "outsider" bring things together. It is extremely sad when you realize things can't be the same now that they are gone. I also hate it when I can't verbalize my feelings. Thank God at least that there is no regret.
It's amazing how entertaining one seemingly random late night trip to Wal-Mart can be.
I need something different. I will find it. It's that time of year when I want change. It's coming up on the only time of the year that I am fully receptive to change. That is because I am in control. I don't like the change that is out of my control. Not at the moment anyway.
January is my new favorite month of the year.
You are protecting me. Thank you.
Wow, I don't think a single person is gonna understand any of this one. That is okay, maybe the Finlandia will, haha.
I have been thinking more about travel nursing lately. I have to leave this area. I used to want to do it for the money. Now, it has nothing to do with money. I don't care. I want experiences.
I want:
time to slow down, to bring you back, to have the right words, to run away, love, understanding, to know how to help, closure, clearer thoughts, simplicity, to figure out what i want, to let you in, to see the bigger picture, to make the right decisions, life experiences, you to notice me, more hope than i have, to help, deeper relationships, knowledge, rest, something new, to break out of my routine, strength...
I have:
strength, more than i should have, hope, a different understanding than you, dreams, failures, peace, interesting things to say, learned a lot, more optimism than is apparent, uncertainty, too many thoughts, delayed grieving, normalcy, more luck than is deserved, to let my guard down, over-analyzed things to a ridiculous level, a happy heart, an odd sense of humor, a lot to be happy for...
Wow, morning's gonna come early.
Night
goodbye
Originally posted on myspace December 30, 2007
surrounded by family and your loving wife
we held your hand while tears fell of sorrow
as you breathed your last breath of your living life
we knew that this time you won't be here tomorrow
you said if you must go, then you were ready
you sure left a lot to remember you by
two families brought together by your memory
as we said final words and one final goodbye
shut down in shock by your hasty departure
the realization is troubling that you won't return
no time for the emptiness that's left to endure
but there is hope through hurting that we soon will learn
you are in peace and your pain is relieved
in a place now where you can find rest
forever and always your death will be grieved
by those who loved you and your actions impressed
finally learning what you knew all along
the pieces placed leave no room for regret
you have entered the place in which you now belong
your guidance on this earth, I'll never forget
surrounded by family and your loving wife
we held your hand while tears fell of sorrow
as you breathed your last breath of your living life
we knew that this time you won't be here tomorrow
you said if you must go, then you were ready
you sure left a lot to remember you by
two families brought together by your memory
as we said final words and one final goodbye
shut down in shock by your hasty departure
the realization is troubling that you won't return
no time for the emptiness that's left to endure
but there is hope through hurting that we soon will learn
you are in peace and your pain is relieved
in a place now where you can find rest
forever and always your death will be grieved
by those who loved you and your actions impressed
finally learning what you knew all along
the pieces placed leave no room for regret
you have entered the place in which you now belong
your guidance on this earth, I'll never forget
all good things must come to an end
Originally posted on myspace December 15, 2007
Well, December is halfway over. Soon it will be a new year. That's exciting. This month has unfortunately proved to be very disappointing. I do at least have the hope of better things to come. It is the down times that make the great times that much better. (okay that wasn't very insightful-however, I don't feel the need to apologize.
I discovered at the grocery store tonight that I have serious issues with letting others do things for me. So it was pouring rain and the manager insisted that I pull my car up to the door and let them load my groceries for me. He also gave me his umbrella to use to go out to my car. I understand this was just a customer service type of thing and they were being friendly, but why did it bother me so much? Why are situations like this always so awkward for me? I don't mind one bit to help someone else, but I am somehow forever unable to be on the receiving end of another's kindness. I'm not sure if it is some weird fear of admitting failure of some sort of the dreaded thought that others can sense that I need help. Or maybe it is because I have been conditioned to feel guilty for accepting help of any kind or the idea that I will feel as if I will owe them something in return. I don't know, I'll have to think about that one.
I made some awesome chili tonight. There is enough to last me a good week. However, I might have drank too much during the cooking process. That is perhaps why I am writing tonight.
I am sad to admit that this past month I have been unable to have many deep thoughts. Work stress and lack of sleep have been the main contributing factors to this problem. Also, I find myself unusually absent-minded and distracted. Thankfully, this lack of focus issue is improving. That makes me happy.
There is a sadness that comes with the realization that all things must eventually end. Despite our efforts to continue as things are, change is inevitable. It is called life. However, with this sadness, there is also hope, anticipation, and nervous excitement. It is for these things that I continue to wait.
I am now ready for Christmas. I have shopped, wrapped, decorated, planned, and prepared. This year differs from the others though; I have this weird empty feeling that won't go away. It's more of an uneasiness. I don't like it.
I just saw a commercial advertising a 2007 Chrystler Sebring. Haha, they are expecting someone to pay $18,000 for it. After driving one for ten painful days, I must say that you couldn't pay me to drive one of those. I'd take my paint- infused Honda any day.
Okay, I need to stop now.
Night.
Well, December is halfway over. Soon it will be a new year. That's exciting. This month has unfortunately proved to be very disappointing. I do at least have the hope of better things to come. It is the down times that make the great times that much better. (okay that wasn't very insightful-however, I don't feel the need to apologize.
I discovered at the grocery store tonight that I have serious issues with letting others do things for me. So it was pouring rain and the manager insisted that I pull my car up to the door and let them load my groceries for me. He also gave me his umbrella to use to go out to my car. I understand this was just a customer service type of thing and they were being friendly, but why did it bother me so much? Why are situations like this always so awkward for me? I don't mind one bit to help someone else, but I am somehow forever unable to be on the receiving end of another's kindness. I'm not sure if it is some weird fear of admitting failure of some sort of the dreaded thought that others can sense that I need help. Or maybe it is because I have been conditioned to feel guilty for accepting help of any kind or the idea that I will feel as if I will owe them something in return. I don't know, I'll have to think about that one.
I made some awesome chili tonight. There is enough to last me a good week. However, I might have drank too much during the cooking process. That is perhaps why I am writing tonight.
I am sad to admit that this past month I have been unable to have many deep thoughts. Work stress and lack of sleep have been the main contributing factors to this problem. Also, I find myself unusually absent-minded and distracted. Thankfully, this lack of focus issue is improving. That makes me happy.
There is a sadness that comes with the realization that all things must eventually end. Despite our efforts to continue as things are, change is inevitable. It is called life. However, with this sadness, there is also hope, anticipation, and nervous excitement. It is for these things that I continue to wait.
I am now ready for Christmas. I have shopped, wrapped, decorated, planned, and prepared. This year differs from the others though; I have this weird empty feeling that won't go away. It's more of an uneasiness. I don't like it.
I just saw a commercial advertising a 2007 Chrystler Sebring. Haha, they are expecting someone to pay $18,000 for it. After driving one for ten painful days, I must say that you couldn't pay me to drive one of those. I'd take my paint- infused Honda any day.
Okay, I need to stop now.
Night.
honda let me down
Originally posted on myspace November 27, 2007
My Honda hates me. My Honda almost killed me twice today. I feel sorry for my mom who is taking me to work at 5:30 tomorrow. I hate dependence. Damn.
My Honda hates me. My Honda almost killed me twice today. I feel sorry for my mom who is taking me to work at 5:30 tomorrow. I hate dependence. Damn.
Beta fish and razorblades
Originally posted on myspace November 11, 2007
Since, I have recently been left with an abundance of beer in my refrigerator, I decided to leave you with yet another alcohol-induced blog compliments of The Champagne of Beers.
So, I rescued a beta fish from the depths of Wal-Mart today to give my niece an awesome B-day gift. Am I the only one that finds it a little alarming that there wasn't much water left in the little cup and that there was dust on the top of the lid? Maybe that's the real reason why these fish always seem to hastily die. I give it a week before mommy will have to replace it with another overly excited purple beta fish. I named it Bert. Bert the Beta. I know, I am a bad aunt.
I am relaxed as hell. I don't know if it's from the group yoga or the beer. I like to think it's the combination of both.
This time change has really confused me. I felt like I should be going to bed for the night at like 7pm tonight. Even I'm not that lame. Although I would probably function better if I would do that every now and then.
Today really made me realize even more so what I'm not missing out on (yes Kole I know that ended in a preposition). The contrast was amazing. How did I get so lucky. The word unscathed comes to mind along with many others.
Thanksgiving is in the near future. Time is going by extremely fast. I think I just might have to make more sausage balls and deviled eggs this year. I really should branch out and one day I will.
If any more of my myspace friends drop of the face of the earth, I will be forced to copy Kole and do the whole blogspot thing. At what age do you outgrow myspace?
My favorite time of the year is quickly approaching. I want snow. I want warmth. I want liveliness. December is going to be awesome for many reasons. I believe a trip to Chattanooga is going to happen some time in the middle of the month. That always proves to be fun.
I love my new gym. Group classes that make me sore, lots of people, smoothies, free massage, free t-shirt, a locker and an elliptical that I have designated as my own even though they are not...
Things I am grateful for:
no more discontentment, good company and conversation, lifelong learning, eager anticipation, continuous change, the cutest niece in the world, restoring broken relationships, decreasing responsibility, increasing freedom, merging the old and the new, life lessons, impending holiday festivities, distinctiveness...
That is all I have for now.
Since, I have recently been left with an abundance of beer in my refrigerator, I decided to leave you with yet another alcohol-induced blog compliments of The Champagne of Beers.
So, I rescued a beta fish from the depths of Wal-Mart today to give my niece an awesome B-day gift. Am I the only one that finds it a little alarming that there wasn't much water left in the little cup and that there was dust on the top of the lid? Maybe that's the real reason why these fish always seem to hastily die. I give it a week before mommy will have to replace it with another overly excited purple beta fish. I named it Bert. Bert the Beta. I know, I am a bad aunt.
I am relaxed as hell. I don't know if it's from the group yoga or the beer. I like to think it's the combination of both.
This time change has really confused me. I felt like I should be going to bed for the night at like 7pm tonight. Even I'm not that lame. Although I would probably function better if I would do that every now and then.
Today really made me realize even more so what I'm not missing out on (yes Kole I know that ended in a preposition). The contrast was amazing. How did I get so lucky. The word unscathed comes to mind along with many others.
Thanksgiving is in the near future. Time is going by extremely fast. I think I just might have to make more sausage balls and deviled eggs this year. I really should branch out and one day I will.
If any more of my myspace friends drop of the face of the earth, I will be forced to copy Kole and do the whole blogspot thing. At what age do you outgrow myspace?
My favorite time of the year is quickly approaching. I want snow. I want warmth. I want liveliness. December is going to be awesome for many reasons. I believe a trip to Chattanooga is going to happen some time in the middle of the month. That always proves to be fun.
I love my new gym. Group classes that make me sore, lots of people, smoothies, free massage, free t-shirt, a locker and an elliptical that I have designated as my own even though they are not...
Things I am grateful for:
no more discontentment, good company and conversation, lifelong learning, eager anticipation, continuous change, the cutest niece in the world, restoring broken relationships, decreasing responsibility, increasing freedom, merging the old and the new, life lessons, impending holiday festivities, distinctiveness...
That is all I have for now.
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