This one might not be so ambiguous...The ones to come will be...That is a promise...
I took my last shot with the San Francisco shot glass...
Why do I have such difficulty with saying goodbye?
That is who I am and I can't help it.
It is so important to keep things in perspective... On so many levels...
Generous. Patience. Gratitude. Self-restraint.
My car reached a milestone today. In order to understand this fully you will have to look at my pictures that I'm not so certain I will be sober enough to upload at this time. 100k miles.
So, I will tell you the story...
I decided that it was imperative that I get my hair cut today due to the split-end problem and the excessively long hair issues as of late. That being said, I proceeded to go and have my hair trimmed. The wonderful lady, whom I tipped well, actually cut a little too much off today, thus leaving me looking like a skank. Anyways, it's all good. My hair grows at a rapid rate.
I will not complain since she has a knack for making my hair straight and silky. I, however, am incompetent when it comes to such things...I am incompetent in so many areas...
I just took my last shot of sake that you left me...
Anyways, good times, ...
I proceeded to drive home. Immediately, my attention was drawn to my odometer. A panic rose inside of me. My odometer read 99,995 miles. Do you understand how close that is to 100,000 miles?
I proceeded to drive home with one eye on the road and the other on the odometer while silently hoping that I had less than 5 miles left in my journey home. This sense of urgency continued as I passed my bank and my Shell station that has become my new gas destination. I had a great desire to document this milestone. My car is aging. 100,000 miles. It's time for a new timing belt people...
It is time to replace the parts that might be worn and weary...(that is cryptic people!)
In an effort to make a long story short, I made it. I ran inside and I retrieved my outdated camera from my desk. I drove around my apartment complex and I took pictures as the numbers slowly changed from 99,999 to 100,000.
I don't want to miss a thing. I am awake...
My neighbor was outside doing weird things with his water hose when I believe he saw me circling around the neighborhood taking multiple pictures of my Honda. I believe he might think I am odd. I think he is odd as well...In times like these there is no need to be insecure. No one really cares anyway...
All in all, it has been a good day...
Monday, June 30, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
random tuesday...
"It may sound absurd...but don't be naive. Even heroes have the right to bleed. I may be disturbed...but won't you concede. Even heroes have the right to dream".
It is a new week. It is a new day. Nothing is new, but I like new.
It appears as if I might have had a little too much wine while cooking a sweet dinner tonight although I really wasn't cooking for very long. Oops.
It is probably not the best idea to order books online while slightly under the influence, but that is exactly what I just did. I suppose there are much worse decisions I could make while intoxicated. You really would laugh if you saw the combination of books on said order. If you know me well, though, I think you would understand.
Something a patient said to me really had an impact on me today. He had no idea how nice what he said was.
This blog is going to be more random than I would prefer. My life is random at the moment so it is a fairly accurate reflection of a few of my thoughts.
I have eaten a lot of spinach today.
I don't like standing still and I haven't fully began that process yet.
I miss you already.
My niece isn't even three yet and she can basically already swim. Sometimes I think she is smarter than me.
I am happy.
Trip number two to Carowinds is planned for this weekend. I have gone with a group before, but it has been a long time. This should be interesting.
I have set a reasonable time limit in my mind and I am going to stick with it. It is with the intention that it is for my own good. Besides, I don't know what I'm doing and it is not as easy as one would think, so avoidance behaviors appear to be helpful (or at least protective) at the moment.
There was blog that was completed in its entirety the other night, but I backed out and deleted it. Ambiguity is a necessity.
I understand my motives. What were yours?
You masked it. You were ashamed. I needed it. I need it.
You hurt me. You let others hurt me.
I overcame this without your help.
Intact. Unsure. Safe.
You have been an influential part of my life. A good influence and I am thankful.
I'm not so sure my way of thinking is the correct way of thinking, but right now it is the best way of thinking...I hope.
This post, although you might not fully be aware, has been a little darker than I originally intended. That was not my intention. That being said, I will now attempt to brighten this a little bit with a few things that I am very fond of at the moment...just to name a few...
peacefulness, yoga, nachos, learning, sarcasm, usefulness, the process, small achievements, writing...not so well, road trips, endorphins!, wine, converation, different people, fun, goals, music, sushi, good books, newness, productivity, openness...
Be good,
E
It is a new week. It is a new day. Nothing is new, but I like new.
It appears as if I might have had a little too much wine while cooking a sweet dinner tonight although I really wasn't cooking for very long. Oops.
It is probably not the best idea to order books online while slightly under the influence, but that is exactly what I just did. I suppose there are much worse decisions I could make while intoxicated. You really would laugh if you saw the combination of books on said order. If you know me well, though, I think you would understand.
Something a patient said to me really had an impact on me today. He had no idea how nice what he said was.
This blog is going to be more random than I would prefer. My life is random at the moment so it is a fairly accurate reflection of a few of my thoughts.
I have eaten a lot of spinach today.
I don't like standing still and I haven't fully began that process yet.
I miss you already.
My niece isn't even three yet and she can basically already swim. Sometimes I think she is smarter than me.
I am happy.
Trip number two to Carowinds is planned for this weekend. I have gone with a group before, but it has been a long time. This should be interesting.
I have set a reasonable time limit in my mind and I am going to stick with it. It is with the intention that it is for my own good. Besides, I don't know what I'm doing and it is not as easy as one would think, so avoidance behaviors appear to be helpful (or at least protective) at the moment.
There was blog that was completed in its entirety the other night, but I backed out and deleted it. Ambiguity is a necessity.
I understand my motives. What were yours?
You masked it. You were ashamed. I needed it. I need it.
You hurt me. You let others hurt me.
I overcame this without your help.
Intact. Unsure. Safe.
You have been an influential part of my life. A good influence and I am thankful.
I'm not so sure my way of thinking is the correct way of thinking, but right now it is the best way of thinking...I hope.
This post, although you might not fully be aware, has been a little darker than I originally intended. That was not my intention. That being said, I will now attempt to brighten this a little bit with a few things that I am very fond of at the moment...just to name a few...
peacefulness, yoga, nachos, learning, sarcasm, usefulness, the process, small achievements, writing...not so well, road trips, endorphins!, wine, converation, different people, fun, goals, music, sushi, good books, newness, productivity, openness...
Be good,
E
Monday, June 16, 2008
I may not be able to talk, but I can write damnit!
I'm writing again, these letters to you, aren't much I know...
Yes, those are lyrics people. If you actually listened to my excellent playlist, you would recognize them. Speaking of my playlist, I think for the first time ever, Kole enjoyed my music. This was evident in the way that she turned the volume up rather than down as she drove my Honda around the scenic city in pursuit of groceries to make some wonderful baked macaroni and cheese for our cookout. (Yes I am aware that sentence was too long).
I really enjoyed the recent trip to Chattanooga. Too bad it will not last much longer. Meaning. Significance. Departure. (Not the kind you're thinking of). It is my goal to use lots of parentheses in this blog!
You are in my life for a reason. I can already name many, but I think there is more to come. I am so happy that I met you.
Well it appears as if I have laryngitis. It would most likely be an intelligent idea to rest my voice, however, I have probably been talking more than usual lately. Unfortunately, the festivities that took place over the weekend perhaps were not the best thing for my ailing vocal cords.
Open. Unapologetic.
I am supposed to be doing more. Will I ever feel as if it is enough? probably not.
Despite my recent sickness that has left me with the voice of an alcoholic man, I am still remaining positive (refer to a previous blog if you don't quite know what I'm talking about). I've said this before, but the sky really is bluer, and the grass really is greener. For that, I am thankful. I am thankful for a great amount of things.
Considering the fact that I am a nurse, I sure do hate taking medications. Actually, the true problem is that I hate dependence.
I am the luckiest, unlucky person that I know. This sounds vaguely familiar because I have also been called the dumbest smart person known as well. I tend to agree.
There is so much that I don't want to forget. There is so much left to remember. There is so much left to give. I need to stop rushing. I am still working on the patience issue. downfall.
I am afraid I may have created a life that is too busy. I am neglecting things (or people) that I do not wish to neglect. Am I selfish? Are these necessary sacrifices? I'm not so sure that either is the correct answer.
There is a certain recent issue that makes me question things that I have been trying to avoid. I was given decent perspective tonight (or at least some things to think about), however, there is still something in me that doesn't want to hear it. Why do I block out things that I know are wrong? I don't think I can block this one. Fairness. Practicality. Pragmatical.
random thoughts for the night (that I am too sleepy to blog about)...
gnats floating in my ice cold water, undone, planned focus, reconnecting with at least one positive past memory (hey, there are few), nonexistent voice, intuition, confusion, standing still, veils, true grief, understanding through experience, chemical burns, restless, face down, denouement...
"I was being unmade. I was no one".
"Nothing is yet in its true form".
night,
E
Yes, those are lyrics people. If you actually listened to my excellent playlist, you would recognize them. Speaking of my playlist, I think for the first time ever, Kole enjoyed my music. This was evident in the way that she turned the volume up rather than down as she drove my Honda around the scenic city in pursuit of groceries to make some wonderful baked macaroni and cheese for our cookout. (Yes I am aware that sentence was too long).
I really enjoyed the recent trip to Chattanooga. Too bad it will not last much longer. Meaning. Significance. Departure. (Not the kind you're thinking of). It is my goal to use lots of parentheses in this blog!
You are in my life for a reason. I can already name many, but I think there is more to come. I am so happy that I met you.
Well it appears as if I have laryngitis. It would most likely be an intelligent idea to rest my voice, however, I have probably been talking more than usual lately. Unfortunately, the festivities that took place over the weekend perhaps were not the best thing for my ailing vocal cords.
Open. Unapologetic.
I am supposed to be doing more. Will I ever feel as if it is enough? probably not.
Despite my recent sickness that has left me with the voice of an alcoholic man, I am still remaining positive (refer to a previous blog if you don't quite know what I'm talking about). I've said this before, but the sky really is bluer, and the grass really is greener. For that, I am thankful. I am thankful for a great amount of things.
Considering the fact that I am a nurse, I sure do hate taking medications. Actually, the true problem is that I hate dependence.
I am the luckiest, unlucky person that I know. This sounds vaguely familiar because I have also been called the dumbest smart person known as well. I tend to agree.
There is so much that I don't want to forget. There is so much left to remember. There is so much left to give. I need to stop rushing. I am still working on the patience issue. downfall.
I am afraid I may have created a life that is too busy. I am neglecting things (or people) that I do not wish to neglect. Am I selfish? Are these necessary sacrifices? I'm not so sure that either is the correct answer.
There is a certain recent issue that makes me question things that I have been trying to avoid. I was given decent perspective tonight (or at least some things to think about), however, there is still something in me that doesn't want to hear it. Why do I block out things that I know are wrong? I don't think I can block this one. Fairness. Practicality. Pragmatical.
random thoughts for the night (that I am too sleepy to blog about)...
gnats floating in my ice cold water, undone, planned focus, reconnecting with at least one positive past memory (hey, there are few), nonexistent voice, intuition, confusion, standing still, veils, true grief, understanding through experience, chemical burns, restless, face down, denouement...
"I was being unmade. I was no one".
"Nothing is yet in its true form".
night,
E
Sunday, June 1, 2008
no more discontentment...
This will be the second night in a row that I am posting a blog. That is slightly out of character. Sometimes I enjoy being out of character.
Don't assume that just because the poem I intend to post below is slightly unhappy sounding that I too am unhappy. That would be a false assumption. I don't like false assumptions.
I bought a new cd today. It is refreshing to actually buy a cd that I enjoy listening to all the way through. I think I might be the only one that still actually purchases cds, but I am ok with that. I like it when things are physically mine. (haha, that was cryptic; a lot of my blogs are cryptic).
Why now? I don't understand. You have had a few years, why now? I think I know why, but I will not recognize it. There is too much that I don't know.
If you are not already aware, I have a life list. You should have one too. The other day, someone, whom I will not name, asked me why I choose to call my list a life list instead of a bucket list. First, I said that this was quite the random question. Then, I answered. I prefer to properly refer to my list as one that is focused on living rather than on dying.
No more discontentment.
I finished two papers today. One of which is not due for another month. I know I have a problem. There are much worse problems that I could have, but I choose not to.
While driving my second vehicle today that I still have not fully become acquainted with yet, I noticed the extra-bright low coolant light decided to stay illuminated during my night-time trip to Wal-Mart (yeah, I know, I have a problem). I believe it might be time for me to learn how to take care of a truck. Damn.
Speaking of taking care of things, if you know me, you know that I attempt to take good care of my belongings. Well, I have to confess that I have discovered an exception to this behavior when it comes to my cell phone. The truth is that I hate my cell phone and I think that I purposefully drop it sometimes while secretly hoping that it will break so that I can rationalize buying a new one. Although I am not a real big fan of my phone, I do have to say that it is one durable piece of shit.
I thought about you more than I should have. I am going to stop that. Really. It is not helpful, and I told myself I would put an end to things that were not helpful.
I have to admit that I enjoyed returning to work after my vacation. Don't get me wrong, I dreaded it the night before, but once there, I had some I am so lucky moments. I am lucky.
This one is about more than what it initially appears to be...I don't expect you to know...
imageless, i cover up.
i go blank into the night
search my face that gives me away
from the worry that has left its mark.
hopeless, i give up
i go search, deep into the night
fight everyday with the words
that block the safe way from my sight
careless, i mess up
i go hide, into the ruin
help me put me back together
since i lost the towel i threw in
worthless, I drink up
i go numb, into my solace
leave me alone in this tonight
as i sink below the surface
loveless, i look up
i go run, into the past
trust has fled with the hurtful hands
that have left me alone at last
"Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?"
-C.S. Lewis
Goodnight,
E
Don't assume that just because the poem I intend to post below is slightly unhappy sounding that I too am unhappy. That would be a false assumption. I don't like false assumptions.
I bought a new cd today. It is refreshing to actually buy a cd that I enjoy listening to all the way through. I think I might be the only one that still actually purchases cds, but I am ok with that. I like it when things are physically mine. (haha, that was cryptic; a lot of my blogs are cryptic).
Why now? I don't understand. You have had a few years, why now? I think I know why, but I will not recognize it. There is too much that I don't know.
If you are not already aware, I have a life list. You should have one too. The other day, someone, whom I will not name, asked me why I choose to call my list a life list instead of a bucket list. First, I said that this was quite the random question. Then, I answered. I prefer to properly refer to my list as one that is focused on living rather than on dying.
No more discontentment.
I finished two papers today. One of which is not due for another month. I know I have a problem. There are much worse problems that I could have, but I choose not to.
While driving my second vehicle today that I still have not fully become acquainted with yet, I noticed the extra-bright low coolant light decided to stay illuminated during my night-time trip to Wal-Mart (yeah, I know, I have a problem). I believe it might be time for me to learn how to take care of a truck. Damn.
Speaking of taking care of things, if you know me, you know that I attempt to take good care of my belongings. Well, I have to confess that I have discovered an exception to this behavior when it comes to my cell phone. The truth is that I hate my cell phone and I think that I purposefully drop it sometimes while secretly hoping that it will break so that I can rationalize buying a new one. Although I am not a real big fan of my phone, I do have to say that it is one durable piece of shit.
I thought about you more than I should have. I am going to stop that. Really. It is not helpful, and I told myself I would put an end to things that were not helpful.
I have to admit that I enjoyed returning to work after my vacation. Don't get me wrong, I dreaded it the night before, but once there, I had some I am so lucky moments. I am lucky.
This one is about more than what it initially appears to be...I don't expect you to know...
imageless, i cover up.
i go blank into the night
search my face that gives me away
from the worry that has left its mark.
hopeless, i give up
i go search, deep into the night
fight everyday with the words
that block the safe way from my sight
careless, i mess up
i go hide, into the ruin
help me put me back together
since i lost the towel i threw in
worthless, I drink up
i go numb, into my solace
leave me alone in this tonight
as i sink below the surface
loveless, i look up
i go run, into the past
trust has fled with the hurtful hands
that have left me alone at last
"Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?"
-C.S. Lewis
Goodnight,
E
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