"Lightning comes and lightning goes and it's all the same to me. Let it in. 'Cause I want you so. I can hardly breathe and release into a thousand pieces I have broke into. Over you..."
Sorry. That wasn't me...
I was wrong. That wasn't me...
You made me that way. That wasn't me...
It is sad that we can be so vulnerable that we fit into the roles that are handed down to us rather than fitting into our own selves.
It is even sadder when these roles are reliant on the resentment of one and leads us downward into a misguided effort to impress someone who doesn't need to be impressed.
"Kill the flames at dawn, I keep burning on and on and on..."
On a much, much lighter note, the Memphis trip was great...A few highlights in a few funny words...barbecue, free cups, stolen cups, hurricanes, saving sanity, a shot to daylight, stalker Dominos driver, no ambition, cozy apartment...
Friend, I can't wait until the wedding...
It was over this weekend that I relented and joined facebook. I guess it's about time.
There has been so much good that not too long ago I would have thought it was impossible.
"Maybe you and I are cursed. Maybe you and I are one. That's the universe. Around, around."
Work towards changing your scenery. The view is much better if you are able to look backwards while you are steadily moving forward.
Step away from what is blocking (controlling) your view and move closer to what is best for you.
"This, this is, this is the last time, it's the last time. This, this is, this is your goodbye."
Why am I never okay with the old and always wanting the new? Maybe complacency isn't as bad as I thought.
I miss you.
Plans to go to the haunted corn maze unfortunately got rained out. -It is fun to try to find your way out of scary situations. There is always a way out and you become a better person in the process of figuring it out. You should try it.
The longer incompetence is tolerated, the less control you will have.
"Everything's changing now"
I have reached a new point. Directions no longer lead to crooked signs, but i still haven't noticed the neon sign. They are such elusive bastards these days...
The process is more important. The content is equally important.
How can I revive something that was never there before?
I hate it when I let the same problems persist and allow myself to make the same mistakes over again. I really am smarter than that. Really.
Highlights since the last blog because I know you care so much:
* My truck is for sale - do you want to buy it?
* I seriously have the best Halloween candy ever!
* Homemade wine will be ready in about 3 weeks.
* 5 more weeks of class
* I really enjoy flying solo
* I read an awesome book while flying solo
* Door-to-door Christians bombarded me at dinnertime
* I can finally wear long sleeves and not burn up
* The flu vaccine made me sick this year...again!
* A sweet skirt was purchased online for less than 4 dollars
* It's about time Earth Fare opened. I love having more options.
* Due to having fun last weekend and getting called in frequently during the week, I have managed to get my days and nights a little mixed up.
* I no longer need to intentionally try to break my cell phone since I got a new one that I actually like.
* I am a pretty big fan of fall...
"Well I was lonely in spring for this kind of thing. She's shivering alone."
I'm still not sleepy, but good night anyways,
E
P.S. If you haven't figured it out I am pretty much a fan of the band and the song that the lyrics in my blog came from.
P.P.S. I am pretty excited that they finally have a new album coming out fairly soon.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
a little bit of everything and nothing all rolled into one...
"Lightning comes and lightning goes and it's all the same to me..."
There's a little bit of everything in this one and a little bit of nothing as well.
This week I have decided that I need a vacation since the burn ordeal in May left me more restless than refreshed. Too bad I have no intentions of planning a vacation at the moment.
I want sushi. I am craving sushi. You should go with me and we will have some sushi and sake.
December is getting closer...This is both happy and sad for more than one reason. October, however, will most likely always be a favorite month of mine...
Lost communication is and was an expected sadness. Nothing phases me anymore. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I will not elaborate on this tonight and probably not ever.
I have decided that being detached is a hindrance to what I want. It is only temporarily helpful and I refuse to stop being so damn indecisive. Going back and forth forces me to stay in the same spot.
I forgot to water my peace lily for two weeks and I think it hates me for it. This is one reason among many as to why I do not need to be responsible for anything that is living...other than myself.
I don't really expect you to follow this one all that much...you know I don't really have expectations anymore....haha
How do lovers lose the fight
if lovers live to win?
This leads them to the dark of night
and near to their own end.
How do fakers fool us all
if fools they really are?
We think unsteady, then we fall
and embed ourselves too far.
How do liars lie unphased
if lies can harm the heart?
I stand alone and I'm amazed
to hear their quiet start.
How do dreamers deal so well
if dreams are made of sand?
They still have hope as I can tell
upon which they seem to stand.
How do robbers rule their will
if rules to steal are wrong?
The stolen wants they wish to fill
can never make them strong.
There's a little bit of everything in this one and a little bit of nothing as well.
This week I have decided that I need a vacation since the burn ordeal in May left me more restless than refreshed. Too bad I have no intentions of planning a vacation at the moment.
I want sushi. I am craving sushi. You should go with me and we will have some sushi and sake.
December is getting closer...This is both happy and sad for more than one reason. October, however, will most likely always be a favorite month of mine...
Lost communication is and was an expected sadness. Nothing phases me anymore. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I will not elaborate on this tonight and probably not ever.
I have decided that being detached is a hindrance to what I want. It is only temporarily helpful and I refuse to stop being so damn indecisive. Going back and forth forces me to stay in the same spot.
I forgot to water my peace lily for two weeks and I think it hates me for it. This is one reason among many as to why I do not need to be responsible for anything that is living...other than myself.
I don't really expect you to follow this one all that much...you know I don't really have expectations anymore....haha
How do lovers lose the fight
if lovers live to win?
This leads them to the dark of night
and near to their own end.
How do fakers fool us all
if fools they really are?
We think unsteady, then we fall
and embed ourselves too far.
How do liars lie unphased
if lies can harm the heart?
I stand alone and I'm amazed
to hear their quiet start.
How do dreamers deal so well
if dreams are made of sand?
They still have hope as I can tell
upon which they seem to stand.
How do robbers rule their will
if rules to steal are wrong?
The stolen wants they wish to fill
can never make them strong.
When I come up with a better title I'll let you know.
There is a lot in this one, but you will have to sort through the ambiguity that is necessary at this time. Good luck with that.
I am sore. I still have a card for a free back massage that for some ungodly reason I have managed to keep for a year without using.
Newness brings me to life. Newness is nothing profound. Newness is why I live.
I thought that after four years I would be better at dealing with death. I am not. It is different when you see the last breath, you feel the last beat, you remember the last words, and you hear the family's cries. It has been a rough week, but still a good week.
There can be no life if there is no death. All things are sadly reciprocated, but all things cannot be duplicated.
Love the hurt that leads you towards the healing, the love, that is not recognized until there has been something lost. Without suffering, it is impossible to fully feel true joy. You have to feel the pain to experience the pleasure. If you seek to eliminate all pain, there will be no hope for happiness.
Sometimes being detached is not distant enough.
When you see that you have all that you need, it is time give away some things...
I live for the randomness for which I am never prepared...
three weeks from now = a much anticipated visit
four weeks from now = a flight to see Kole
I've never been a big fan of countdowns, but my calendar is full of exclamation marks these days! (I believe that sentence warranted an exclamation mark)
-No matter how far deep you think you are, there is always a way out. Unfortunately, you are unable to see this until you stop drowning. In order to stop drowning you must cut off the weight that is dragging you down, fight your way to the surface, and tread water for a little while until you make it to safer surroundings.
-The waves will never be welcoming. They will only pull you further away from land until you lose focus on your surroundings, on life, on you - until your dreams are devoured and you hopes are washed away - forever.
-Life is too short to be bitter and resentful when you can be happy and thankful instead.
Enough on that
You will be happy to know that my faith in humanity has thankfully been restored. It's interesting to me that people have no idea how significant small random acts of kindness can be in someone else's life. Never underestimate the impact that simple gestures can have on others who are watching...you don't always know if someone is watching...
-The second-guessing ends once you come to terms with your choices. The perceived conflict between hatred and pity is enormous, but it diminishes when you are headed in the right direction (away) and when you realize that it doesn't have to be your problem anymore (ever).
I want to be good. Great has preconceived notions and is difficult to maintain over time. I will settle for good.
I am way ahead on all of my assignments for school. It is almost as if I am not in school anymore. I am going to be sad when I'm really not in school anymore.
I have decided to depend on online shopping for my fall wardrobe this year rather than shopping at a mall that chooses to put a Lids in the food court! So far this has been quite successful.
Is it okay to relent simply out of boredness? I need to rely on my instincts because they are always right, but for some reason I have difficulty doing that.
It still frightens me to think of what all I would have missed out on if I had held onto something that was hopeless. I am so lucky.
Believe it or not, I could go for much longer, but I get the feeling that this has been too long.
It's time to go to sleep. Productivity is essential.
Night,
E
I am sore. I still have a card for a free back massage that for some ungodly reason I have managed to keep for a year without using.
Newness brings me to life. Newness is nothing profound. Newness is why I live.
I thought that after four years I would be better at dealing with death. I am not. It is different when you see the last breath, you feel the last beat, you remember the last words, and you hear the family's cries. It has been a rough week, but still a good week.
There can be no life if there is no death. All things are sadly reciprocated, but all things cannot be duplicated.
Love the hurt that leads you towards the healing, the love, that is not recognized until there has been something lost. Without suffering, it is impossible to fully feel true joy. You have to feel the pain to experience the pleasure. If you seek to eliminate all pain, there will be no hope for happiness.
Sometimes being detached is not distant enough.
When you see that you have all that you need, it is time give away some things...
I live for the randomness for which I am never prepared...
three weeks from now = a much anticipated visit
four weeks from now = a flight to see Kole
I've never been a big fan of countdowns, but my calendar is full of exclamation marks these days! (I believe that sentence warranted an exclamation mark)
-No matter how far deep you think you are, there is always a way out. Unfortunately, you are unable to see this until you stop drowning. In order to stop drowning you must cut off the weight that is dragging you down, fight your way to the surface, and tread water for a little while until you make it to safer surroundings.
-The waves will never be welcoming. They will only pull you further away from land until you lose focus on your surroundings, on life, on you - until your dreams are devoured and you hopes are washed away - forever.
-Life is too short to be bitter and resentful when you can be happy and thankful instead.
Enough on that
You will be happy to know that my faith in humanity has thankfully been restored. It's interesting to me that people have no idea how significant small random acts of kindness can be in someone else's life. Never underestimate the impact that simple gestures can have on others who are watching...you don't always know if someone is watching...
-The second-guessing ends once you come to terms with your choices. The perceived conflict between hatred and pity is enormous, but it diminishes when you are headed in the right direction (away) and when you realize that it doesn't have to be your problem anymore (ever).
I want to be good. Great has preconceived notions and is difficult to maintain over time. I will settle for good.
I am way ahead on all of my assignments for school. It is almost as if I am not in school anymore. I am going to be sad when I'm really not in school anymore.
I have decided to depend on online shopping for my fall wardrobe this year rather than shopping at a mall that chooses to put a Lids in the food court! So far this has been quite successful.
Is it okay to relent simply out of boredness? I need to rely on my instincts because they are always right, but for some reason I have difficulty doing that.
It still frightens me to think of what all I would have missed out on if I had held onto something that was hopeless. I am so lucky.
Believe it or not, I could go for much longer, but I get the feeling that this has been too long.
It's time to go to sleep. Productivity is essential.
Night,
E
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