April showers bring May flowers. Oh wait...it’s still March. Damn. I’ve never been a real big fan of March...
However, I am becoming a real big fan of online shopping these days. I have discovered that I am becoming lazier and lazier as I get older. Okay fine I’m not that bad. I just like convenience. Are you still reading this?
At my friend’s request, I have at last relented and created a blogspot. After all, I do have to keep up with the year long engagement updates. I wish I could write what all I am constantly thinking in my head.
I somehow managed to put off getting the batteries in my watch changed for over a month. That’s annoying considering the inconvenience of not having a watch that actually tells the time far outweighs the inconvenience of waiting one minute for someone to change the battery.
Reason and practicality are telling me to quit, but I have to hang on. That has always been a part of my nature. I am too nice. Don’t laugh, it’s true.
This week has flown by at an alarming rate, but I have attempted to slow down and take in the good things about the week...
How the hell am I too anemic to donate blood? I eat a diet that is ridiculously high in iron. At least I know why I’ve been so freakin’ tired all week. This has happened before, but this time my hemoglobin was considerably worse. They said I should go see my doctor. Being the stubborn nurse that I am, I have no plans to see a doctor at the moment, but if this were you, I would tell you to go see your doctor. I, however, am going to opt for taking an iron supplement and avoid seeing my old, creepy doctor that gropes me every time I come in. haha, don’t ask. Anyway, I’m really not too fond of taking supplements because I think we should be responsible for getting our vitamins and nutrients from our diet. I am apparently not getting enough iron in my diet. Either that or I am bleeding somewhere and have failed to notice. I like to think that I’m a little more observant than that so I might consider eating red meat every now and then. Yeah, that could help.
My coworker gave me a random, thoughtful thank you card and gift the other day. Wow. I’m glad that someone thinks I’m useful.
Where did my patience go? Never mind, I never had any. Somehow, I am beginning to attempt to work on this.
I had a really good dream last week. Too bad it was a dream...
I think I know what I want now. Some things unfortunately are just unobtainable.
I have been eating chocolate from Easter lately. While it is true that I don’t really care that much for chocolate, I have always had a fondness for Mr. Goodbars. That is truly some useful information for you. This blog is perhaps not the coolest thing you’ve ever read, but I am not making you read it. So there.
Straight-forward honesty is such a useful concept. Open honesty. Trust.
Why do we knowingly cause other people to suffer? I have a real problem with understanding this one.
Why do we knowingly cause ourselves to suffer? Self-sabotage. Guilt. Learned behavior.
Self-critical. Self-reliant. Self-sufficient.
The grass is greener, the sky is bluer...
Hmmm, I have been given the choice between a boat tour thing or parasailing. Too bad I have a poor capacity for decision making.
No, I am not wearing colored contact lenses. I don’t like them. I dislike fakeness. Why are people all of the sudden asking me this. Four random people have asked me this week. My eyes are not all that impressive.
My recent poetry has been too private to post. So I will post some lyrics for tonight...
Until my eyes cry out
’til my head is free from doubt
’til my lungs sigh right out
’til I’m wiser
Let the sun
Fall all over me
This life’s not living, baby
If living ain’t free
If I can’t find my way back to me
Let the sun fall down all over me
Let the sun fall down
More ambiguous words to describe even more ambiguous thoughts...
arm veins, slow down-but not too slow, state the obvious, falling out of touch, forgoing the formalities, attractive sweetness, remembering the forgotten, new levels of procrastination, new levels of hope and satisfaction, confusing new people, new inspiration, crooked signs, do no harm, take me away, senseless stupidity...
I just got really sleepy all of the sudden...
Night,
E
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
My sausage balls are crispy and yours should be too...
Originally posted on myspace March 23, 2008
It has been a fun day today. It is still a fun day tonight.
I have decided that I talk too much at times. Among other things, I really should learn to be a better listener. I will have to add that to the list.
I hiked up what I would like to consider a continuously steep hill today. Certainly my ass is going to be sore tomorrow. Sweet! Speaking of tomorrow, is it weird to go jogging on Easter?
Unwavering. Unobtrusive. Unsuspecting.
Thoughtful preparedness is much appreciated.
Well I have to say that my newly-made sausage balls are currently thriving in my refrigerator and awaiting Easter dinner tomorrow. However, my dessert is still sitting on the wax paper that is spread out all over the kitchen while I am not so patiently waiting on them to cool.
Change is coming again. I used to resist change before I realized how great it can be.
I really need a vacation. It will be a short one, but it is entirely necessary at the moment.
I hope there are not enough seats for everyone.
I need, I hope, I know, I learn, I remain focused on my goal.
It is difficult to discuss things appropriately when you have very few positive memories. I am working on building those positive memories.
I may have difficulties with making up my mind, but I can definitely tell you something that I do enjoy. That would be cooking while listening to music while drinking a beer, or two. You should try it some time.
I want the things that can’t ever be taken away. That is what I can control. That is my plan.
At this point, it would be hard to let anyone hinder my personal growth. Not anymore.
The highlight of my week was when my niece layed on me on the couch and watched my favorite childhood movie with me. Unfortunately, my writing abilities are incapable of adequately describing the greatness of this moment. Sometimes I am just unable to verbalize such things.
My thoughts...again:
beneficence, windy firetowers, make up your mind already, avoid the awkwardness, constantly critiquing, unproductive productivity, predictability is overrated, just wing it, instant trust, don’t let history repeat itself, finally breaking the cycle, developing values, self reliance, newness,
Wow, my sausage balls are slightly addictive. They might not make it to Easter dinner after all.
Night,
E
It has been a fun day today. It is still a fun day tonight.
I have decided that I talk too much at times. Among other things, I really should learn to be a better listener. I will have to add that to the list.
I hiked up what I would like to consider a continuously steep hill today. Certainly my ass is going to be sore tomorrow. Sweet! Speaking of tomorrow, is it weird to go jogging on Easter?
Unwavering. Unobtrusive. Unsuspecting.
Thoughtful preparedness is much appreciated.
Well I have to say that my newly-made sausage balls are currently thriving in my refrigerator and awaiting Easter dinner tomorrow. However, my dessert is still sitting on the wax paper that is spread out all over the kitchen while I am not so patiently waiting on them to cool.
Change is coming again. I used to resist change before I realized how great it can be.
I really need a vacation. It will be a short one, but it is entirely necessary at the moment.
I hope there are not enough seats for everyone.
I need, I hope, I know, I learn, I remain focused on my goal.
It is difficult to discuss things appropriately when you have very few positive memories. I am working on building those positive memories.
I may have difficulties with making up my mind, but I can definitely tell you something that I do enjoy. That would be cooking while listening to music while drinking a beer, or two. You should try it some time.
I want the things that can’t ever be taken away. That is what I can control. That is my plan.
At this point, it would be hard to let anyone hinder my personal growth. Not anymore.
The highlight of my week was when my niece layed on me on the couch and watched my favorite childhood movie with me. Unfortunately, my writing abilities are incapable of adequately describing the greatness of this moment. Sometimes I am just unable to verbalize such things.
My thoughts...again:
beneficence, windy firetowers, make up your mind already, avoid the awkwardness, constantly critiquing, unproductive productivity, predictability is overrated, just wing it, instant trust, don’t let history repeat itself, finally breaking the cycle, developing values, self reliance, newness,
Wow, my sausage balls are slightly addictive. They might not make it to Easter dinner after all.
Night,
E
Is it springtime yet?
Originally posted on myspace March 17, 2008
I am ready to start a new week. I am ready for change.
Unfortunately, I am not too full of creativity tonight. I am thinking of impending events some of which are exciting and others not so much.
Friend, I love the new blog. I can’t wait to request the Bon Jovi at the wedding.
I should have gone jogging today. It was actually decent weather. If I can finish a paper that I have been unable to start, but am actually excited to write, I think I’ll go jogging tomorrow. Somehow, I have to bake a large ham somewhere in between all of this.
I haven’t colored easter eggs in a really long time. I think I should fit that in sometime next week.
You will all be happy to know that I have come up with a plan that will work to get my book scholarship money that King College has been holding hostage from me. Hahaha, I will outsmart you, business office people. Part of me (the impulsive part) wants to take the money and buy a wii, but sadly there is another part of me (the practical part) that says that maybe I should use the money for books. Damn.
I want to go hiking.
things I love: high hopes, expectancy, insight, halfway mark, second chances, taking the long way, looking back the whole way, overanalyzing, the irreplaceable things, having too much to even try to list...
I did manage to do a few useful things today, but nothing too helpful. I just got done doing yoga. I would have loved to go to the gym, but there is something very unrelaxing about the thought of my pager going off in the middle of class. So, in the comfort of my own living room, I used my back-up yoga dvds that have proven to be a very beneficial gift from a coworker.
regain balance, regain perspective, much too impersonal, freedom to fail, freedom to fall, I still remember, develop some patience, promising prognosis, safe is not simple...
What exactly is self-worth? It’s not as easy to define as one would expect. It’s ambiguous, changes unexpectedly, and is sometimes situational. Don’t ask.
Wow, I’m glad that no one reads this. I’m glad that I am happy. I am glad for a lot of things. We should never stop being thankful. Write that one down, haha.
Okay, I couldn’t decide if I should post the one about doubt or the one about fear. I chose the most recent thought for tonight and as usual the most vague. Here it goes. Don’t hate, it’s an experimental one...
D efying resistance against the disquiet
that lives in our lives when we try to deny it
O bscure in our worldview that becomes distorted
that consumes our once certain minds now left unsure
U nease is too often the culprit created
by those wavering who want the questions to cease
B linded by disbelief regarding our own worth
that threatens the thoughts that prove to be one-sided
T rapped in our troubles and lacking in clarity
that now is needed to examine things clearly
I am ready to start a new week. I am ready for change.
Unfortunately, I am not too full of creativity tonight. I am thinking of impending events some of which are exciting and others not so much.
Friend, I love the new blog. I can’t wait to request the Bon Jovi at the wedding.
I should have gone jogging today. It was actually decent weather. If I can finish a paper that I have been unable to start, but am actually excited to write, I think I’ll go jogging tomorrow. Somehow, I have to bake a large ham somewhere in between all of this.
I haven’t colored easter eggs in a really long time. I think I should fit that in sometime next week.
You will all be happy to know that I have come up with a plan that will work to get my book scholarship money that King College has been holding hostage from me. Hahaha, I will outsmart you, business office people. Part of me (the impulsive part) wants to take the money and buy a wii, but sadly there is another part of me (the practical part) that says that maybe I should use the money for books. Damn.
I want to go hiking.
things I love: high hopes, expectancy, insight, halfway mark, second chances, taking the long way, looking back the whole way, overanalyzing, the irreplaceable things, having too much to even try to list...
I did manage to do a few useful things today, but nothing too helpful. I just got done doing yoga. I would have loved to go to the gym, but there is something very unrelaxing about the thought of my pager going off in the middle of class. So, in the comfort of my own living room, I used my back-up yoga dvds that have proven to be a very beneficial gift from a coworker.
regain balance, regain perspective, much too impersonal, freedom to fail, freedom to fall, I still remember, develop some patience, promising prognosis, safe is not simple...
What exactly is self-worth? It’s not as easy to define as one would expect. It’s ambiguous, changes unexpectedly, and is sometimes situational. Don’t ask.
Wow, I’m glad that no one reads this. I’m glad that I am happy. I am glad for a lot of things. We should never stop being thankful. Write that one down, haha.
Okay, I couldn’t decide if I should post the one about doubt or the one about fear. I chose the most recent thought for tonight and as usual the most vague. Here it goes. Don’t hate, it’s an experimental one...
D efying resistance against the disquiet
that lives in our lives when we try to deny it
O bscure in our worldview that becomes distorted
that consumes our once certain minds now left unsure
U nease is too often the culprit created
by those wavering who want the questions to cease
B linded by disbelief regarding our own worth
that threatens the thoughts that prove to be one-sided
T rapped in our troubles and lacking in clarity
that now is needed to examine things clearly
I am certain I'll be sleepy tomorrow
Originally posted on myspace March 8, 2008
Today was a good day. It has been a good week. It has been a good year so far.
I am not good at meeting new people. Hey, at least I am aware of this. Wow, that sounded way too negative. I should stop that. Damn overanalyzation.
I suppose at this point I should admit that I might have partaken in a little too much alcohol while watching South Park tonight. Yes, I know, I am extremely cool. This is going to be longer than it should be and that is okay.
I attempted to order a bathing suit online for the first time since the choices in this area are less than optimal and I do have a couple of beach trips planned this year. I was forced to return the top though because it was very unattractive for me, but I still have high hopes. Don't let me down J. Crew.
I am not happy about losing an hour of sleep tonight due to the time change. I have decided to stay up late despite this because I will most likely be tired tomorrow regardless of the time I fall asleep. So, I have decided to stay up late and enjoy my night off. I just might have to take a nap after church before going to the gym tomorrow.
I think I might have a mild form of narcolepsy. Maybe I just don't get enough sleep, but I get a lot more than I used to get.
I drove the truck a little this week. I cried about half the time I was driving it. Perhaps it was the thoughts that came back to me all too quickly, the song on the radio that doesn't work that great, the seat that was adjusted and was waiting for his return, or the presence that I have to admit was there (in a calming way). too many memories. I think it is a good thing though so I will continue with this crazy endeavor. Do you like my useage of the word endeavor? I do, haha.
I need to plan another trip to Chattanooga before it is no more. I hope my friend's new fiance gets in to a law school that is conducive to adequate shopping, fun times, frozen pizzas, skanky establishments, parkway punches, drunken monopoly, scrabble, and wii-ing, scenic tours, random japanese places, awesome views off the back deck, and funny awkwardness.
I attempted to order a yoga mat today from amazon, but was unable to because I apparently have a problem with indecisiveness. This would be a great birthday gift for me. However, I don't really expect a birthday gift. My sister is going to decorate my half bathroom that is painfully bare for me because I have yet to do it. My mom got me the Harry Potter book set for Christmas and my birthday because it costs more than it should. Are you bored yet because I can go on...
I need to go to the grocery store. I just ate a whole zucchini.
Sleepy. Happy. Aware. Certain. Hopeful.
I am off on Easter weekend. That is both rare and exciting. I think I might make my drunken deviled eggs and sausage balls again in order to retain normalcy among my family. If you want to join me, that could be fun, if not, that is cool as well. I might even blog that night.
My attempt at blogging just got interrupted by a phone call from my bester who is currently suffering from the hiccups.
Some of my thoughts at the moment... (I know you care, so I will be as vague as possible) :
happiness for my friend, funny bridesmaid order, karma, failing at supporting, full circle, too selfish, unable to develop patience, it takes a little more each time, perfectionist, discovering what has been missing, successful group presentations, my new ring that was a gift, mutual love and respect, new people, almost half-way done, my back is sore, vulnerability, freedom, thank you, registration for 5 mile races, I obviously love alliteration, I love a lot of things, continuous revelations, no regrets, nine "free" credit hours, balance, lion chasing, change is good, I need to move someday, so freakin' thankful, I want to go hiking, I want a lot of things, level out...
This is the condensed short and sweet version. If you think you know what this is about, you are wrong. That is all.
I hear that it's hard to heal a hurt heart
but it's time that we try to be apart
i fear that i will be unable to stay
when the love and the loss finally fade away.
I know that it's scary to step out there
but we all have to start someday, somewhere
i go through the thoughts from yesterday
and the love and the loss finally fade away.
I distance myself from your dysfunctional dreams
but so few know all is not how it seems
i resent you too much to wait for the day
when the love and the loss finally fade away.
This has been too long. Good night.
E.
Today was a good day. It has been a good week. It has been a good year so far.
I am not good at meeting new people. Hey, at least I am aware of this. Wow, that sounded way too negative. I should stop that. Damn overanalyzation.
I suppose at this point I should admit that I might have partaken in a little too much alcohol while watching South Park tonight. Yes, I know, I am extremely cool. This is going to be longer than it should be and that is okay.
I attempted to order a bathing suit online for the first time since the choices in this area are less than optimal and I do have a couple of beach trips planned this year. I was forced to return the top though because it was very unattractive for me, but I still have high hopes. Don't let me down J. Crew.
I am not happy about losing an hour of sleep tonight due to the time change. I have decided to stay up late despite this because I will most likely be tired tomorrow regardless of the time I fall asleep. So, I have decided to stay up late and enjoy my night off. I just might have to take a nap after church before going to the gym tomorrow.
I think I might have a mild form of narcolepsy. Maybe I just don't get enough sleep, but I get a lot more than I used to get.
I drove the truck a little this week. I cried about half the time I was driving it. Perhaps it was the thoughts that came back to me all too quickly, the song on the radio that doesn't work that great, the seat that was adjusted and was waiting for his return, or the presence that I have to admit was there (in a calming way). too many memories. I think it is a good thing though so I will continue with this crazy endeavor. Do you like my useage of the word endeavor? I do, haha.
I need to plan another trip to Chattanooga before it is no more. I hope my friend's new fiance gets in to a law school that is conducive to adequate shopping, fun times, frozen pizzas, skanky establishments, parkway punches, drunken monopoly, scrabble, and wii-ing, scenic tours, random japanese places, awesome views off the back deck, and funny awkwardness.
I attempted to order a yoga mat today from amazon, but was unable to because I apparently have a problem with indecisiveness. This would be a great birthday gift for me. However, I don't really expect a birthday gift. My sister is going to decorate my half bathroom that is painfully bare for me because I have yet to do it. My mom got me the Harry Potter book set for Christmas and my birthday because it costs more than it should. Are you bored yet because I can go on...
I need to go to the grocery store. I just ate a whole zucchini.
Sleepy. Happy. Aware. Certain. Hopeful.
I am off on Easter weekend. That is both rare and exciting. I think I might make my drunken deviled eggs and sausage balls again in order to retain normalcy among my family. If you want to join me, that could be fun, if not, that is cool as well. I might even blog that night.
My attempt at blogging just got interrupted by a phone call from my bester who is currently suffering from the hiccups.
Some of my thoughts at the moment... (I know you care, so I will be as vague as possible) :
happiness for my friend, funny bridesmaid order, karma, failing at supporting, full circle, too selfish, unable to develop patience, it takes a little more each time, perfectionist, discovering what has been missing, successful group presentations, my new ring that was a gift, mutual love and respect, new people, almost half-way done, my back is sore, vulnerability, freedom, thank you, registration for 5 mile races, I obviously love alliteration, I love a lot of things, continuous revelations, no regrets, nine "free" credit hours, balance, lion chasing, change is good, I need to move someday, so freakin' thankful, I want to go hiking, I want a lot of things, level out...
This is the condensed short and sweet version. If you think you know what this is about, you are wrong. That is all.
I hear that it's hard to heal a hurt heart
but it's time that we try to be apart
i fear that i will be unable to stay
when the love and the loss finally fade away.
I know that it's scary to step out there
but we all have to start someday, somewhere
i go through the thoughts from yesterday
and the love and the loss finally fade away.
I distance myself from your dysfunctional dreams
but so few know all is not how it seems
i resent you too much to wait for the day
when the love and the loss finally fade away.
This has been too long. Good night.
E.
again
Originally posted on myspace February 17, 2008
in times of weakness, i grew weary
my worst worries, i tried to bury
you carry me, you carried me
through all the darkness, i looked for light
my path was elusive, i lost sight
you carry me, you carried me
through the doubt, i allowed to consume
my inside self, i tried to resume
you carry me, you carried me
through the confusion, i overcame
my mind is proud, of what i became
you carry me, you carried me
in times of weakness, i grew weary
my worst worries, i tried to bury
you carry me, you carried me
through all the darkness, i looked for light
my path was elusive, i lost sight
you carry me, you carried me
through the doubt, i allowed to consume
my inside self, i tried to resume
you carry me, you carried me
through the confusion, i overcame
my mind is proud, of what i became
you carry me, you carried me
In summary: I should be asleep
Originally posted on myspace February 10, 2008
Well, although it feels late, it is in fact still quite early. Against my better judgment and the recent consumption of the excess champagne from the New Year's festivities, I have made a drink involving vodka and diet cherry seven-up. While I am against the carbonation and even more so against the aspartame, it is readily accesible from my friend Kole's freezer.
Speaking of Kole, it has been a great weekend. All of which has included drunken wii-ing, productive shopping, drinking, conversing, wedding planning (haha), birthday celebration, grocery shopping, and margaritas and spinach quesadillas.
I am typing on my friend's Vaio. She is asleep with the fiance. They both must work in the morning. I, however, do not. I will be driving home while listening to my carefully crafted mixed cd and doing some hardcore thinking. Then it is time for the new socialization thing that I think will be fun and I have interestingly enough been excited about.
Too bad, I must wake up and resume normalcy and drive home. I know it is not bad.
Is it weird that I have recently become addicted to eating crushed ice? I believe there are much worse habits that I can have, but I can't seem to recall where this one came from.
I am hungry. At this point I should go to bed.
I don't deserve this, I am forever thankful, it will be okay.
Smile. Emotion. Damn.
My niece impresses me the more that I am around her. She enjoys the nurse's kit that I got her for Christmas and regularly "listens to my heart" with the stethoscope that was included in the gift. You should be happy to know that Bert the Beta, who was a birthday gift, is a well-fed fish that is still thriving. Also, I never thought that feeding the ducks could be so much fun.
A glimpse into the past is all it takes to make me appreciative of the present.
Will you miss me when you're gone?
We are more alike than you are able to comprehend.
What exactly is intimacy? It is available, in the future, it is fleeting and is not present.
I desperately need to write although I'm unable and it is difficult to verbalize what it is that I'm feeling. I am different. Self-discovery is an asset these days...
There has been a lot obtained from this weekend...
some redman for my new chevy that I am both honored and scared to drive although I hate chevies, japanese fortune cookie fortunes that are all too predictive, stolen chopsticks, increased wii skills that are apparently still not adequate, conversation, escape, a sweet jacket, relief of soreness, best shopping trip ever, a newly soon-to-be betrothed bester, impending beach trips, and I suppose some things that do not need to be listed here.
Unfortunately when i come home I will have to deal with...
work stress, group presentations, things in which at this time I do not wish to complete, change, a dying, neglected peace lily, an unfortunate situation that I am unable to help with, a possible scary situation that I wish to remove myself from, responsibility that i used to welcome but for some reason am now resisting, and more that does not really need to be included tonight.
Life is a good thing though... thankfully...
Night,
Well, although it feels late, it is in fact still quite early. Against my better judgment and the recent consumption of the excess champagne from the New Year's festivities, I have made a drink involving vodka and diet cherry seven-up. While I am against the carbonation and even more so against the aspartame, it is readily accesible from my friend Kole's freezer.
Speaking of Kole, it has been a great weekend. All of which has included drunken wii-ing, productive shopping, drinking, conversing, wedding planning (haha), birthday celebration, grocery shopping, and margaritas and spinach quesadillas.
I am typing on my friend's Vaio. She is asleep with the fiance. They both must work in the morning. I, however, do not. I will be driving home while listening to my carefully crafted mixed cd and doing some hardcore thinking. Then it is time for the new socialization thing that I think will be fun and I have interestingly enough been excited about.
Too bad, I must wake up and resume normalcy and drive home. I know it is not bad.
Is it weird that I have recently become addicted to eating crushed ice? I believe there are much worse habits that I can have, but I can't seem to recall where this one came from.
I am hungry. At this point I should go to bed.
I don't deserve this, I am forever thankful, it will be okay.
Smile. Emotion. Damn.
My niece impresses me the more that I am around her. She enjoys the nurse's kit that I got her for Christmas and regularly "listens to my heart" with the stethoscope that was included in the gift. You should be happy to know that Bert the Beta, who was a birthday gift, is a well-fed fish that is still thriving. Also, I never thought that feeding the ducks could be so much fun.
A glimpse into the past is all it takes to make me appreciative of the present.
Will you miss me when you're gone?
We are more alike than you are able to comprehend.
What exactly is intimacy? It is available, in the future, it is fleeting and is not present.
I desperately need to write although I'm unable and it is difficult to verbalize what it is that I'm feeling. I am different. Self-discovery is an asset these days...
There has been a lot obtained from this weekend...
some redman for my new chevy that I am both honored and scared to drive although I hate chevies, japanese fortune cookie fortunes that are all too predictive, stolen chopsticks, increased wii skills that are apparently still not adequate, conversation, escape, a sweet jacket, relief of soreness, best shopping trip ever, a newly soon-to-be betrothed bester, impending beach trips, and I suppose some things that do not need to be listed here.
Unfortunately when i come home I will have to deal with...
work stress, group presentations, things in which at this time I do not wish to complete, change, a dying, neglected peace lily, an unfortunate situation that I am unable to help with, a possible scary situation that I wish to remove myself from, responsibility that i used to welcome but for some reason am now resisting, and more that does not really need to be included tonight.
Life is a good thing though... thankfully...
Night,
Anothe one? Already?
Originally posted on myspace January 21, 2008
It seems as if I'm blogging more often than usual. That is alarming. I will tell you what is on my mind right now. It's not much, haha.
I want to go to the Breaking Benjamin/Seether/Three Days Grace concert at Freedom Hall on March 8th. It will probably not happen because I have a sister who has a child, a friend who is too far away who doesn't like my music, and many many other reasons why this will not happen. Oh well. I have never been to a good concert and I really should add this to my life list. If anyone who reads this (although it's not many anymore because I made my site private) would like to go, we should go. It would be fun.
It was fun to eat sushi tonight. It has been too long.
It's funny how people enter your lives for certain reasons. It can be to learn something new from them or it can be situational and all kinds of other things. I need to let go of whatever I was hoping for and just see things for how they really are. Why do I always strive for wonderful when things are already great? I'm really not that hard to please, but when it comes to things pertaining to myself it's an impossible feat. I am not allowed to say this but I have horribly low expectations. It's a learned coping mechanism put in place in order to avoid disappointment. Wow, doesn't that sound healthy?
Why do people settle? This is an act of self-hate and desperation and is totally not necessary or helpful.
I need to distance myself.
I think a trip to Chattanooga is in the near future in February. Shopping, drinking, talking, and good times. It will end soon, but what will become of it. It was a damn good thing while it lasted and at least I knew it while it was happening. In retrospect, I don't think I'd change a thing.
I am sad to say that my peace lily is dying. It is rather depressing considering it was given to me by Kole and Austin during recent sad times. I guess it should be watered more often than once a week. It is wilting. I expect for it to make a full recovery though now that I have discovered that I should perhaps water it a little more often. I am less responsible the older I get. I am certain that this is not normal. Oops.
I really did mean it when I said congrats. I hate that you don't know me well enough to understand that. Yeah it's sad, but hell good job.
Give me a chance. It takes me a second you know.
I should be working on stuff for school. Instead I am writing and drinking wine and listening to an awesome new (old) cd. Fun times.
Why is time going by so fast? I don't even remember last week. I think in my attempt to begin new things, I have taken on too much. While it is fun and I seem to thrive under stressful circumstances, this is no way to enjoy life. It's funny that I say this though because this is the absolutely easiest life has ever been for me. Yet again, I am still not satisfied. What the hell is missing?
My perspective on life has changed drastically this year. I think that's a good, normal thing for me though. I am too quick to plan out the exact sequence of my life and that is just not practical. Although I tend to like control a little too much, I kind of like it when life throws you something completely unexpected. It makes things interesting in a good way.
I want to go skiing. I want a lot of things. I want to escape. I have all that I need.
I don't think I'm up for the job of being a support person. Why am I not good at this? I wonder if bitterness has gotten in the way. It's a damn shame if it has because that is counterproductive. I feel incompetent in this area and that is not very helpful for either one of us.
The zoo with my niece was awesome. It's interesting to watch my niece. She is how I would have been if I had grown up in a normal environment. Oh hell, did I just say that out loud. I'll blame that one on the alcohol. Thank God for well-adjusted kids.
Why can't people just be straight forward?
It has been brought to my attention by an unnamed person that I am unapproachable, rigid, yet respected. They said this was a compliment. Damn. Is this true? How does one obtain such descriptive adjectives? I am nice damnit. I really am.
I need something new.
I don't want that anymore. My wants have been changed for a while now. Things are changing too quickly. I am too honest. Is that really a bad thing?
Btw, I haven't proof read this, so don't be a hater.
Hey, you may not have enjoyed this post, but you will enjoy the song...
It seems as if I'm blogging more often than usual. That is alarming. I will tell you what is on my mind right now. It's not much, haha.
I want to go to the Breaking Benjamin/Seether/Three Days Grace concert at Freedom Hall on March 8th. It will probably not happen because I have a sister who has a child, a friend who is too far away who doesn't like my music, and many many other reasons why this will not happen. Oh well. I have never been to a good concert and I really should add this to my life list. If anyone who reads this (although it's not many anymore because I made my site private) would like to go, we should go. It would be fun.
It was fun to eat sushi tonight. It has been too long.
It's funny how people enter your lives for certain reasons. It can be to learn something new from them or it can be situational and all kinds of other things. I need to let go of whatever I was hoping for and just see things for how they really are. Why do I always strive for wonderful when things are already great? I'm really not that hard to please, but when it comes to things pertaining to myself it's an impossible feat. I am not allowed to say this but I have horribly low expectations. It's a learned coping mechanism put in place in order to avoid disappointment. Wow, doesn't that sound healthy?
Why do people settle? This is an act of self-hate and desperation and is totally not necessary or helpful.
I need to distance myself.
I think a trip to Chattanooga is in the near future in February. Shopping, drinking, talking, and good times. It will end soon, but what will become of it. It was a damn good thing while it lasted and at least I knew it while it was happening. In retrospect, I don't think I'd change a thing.
I am sad to say that my peace lily is dying. It is rather depressing considering it was given to me by Kole and Austin during recent sad times. I guess it should be watered more often than once a week. It is wilting. I expect for it to make a full recovery though now that I have discovered that I should perhaps water it a little more often. I am less responsible the older I get. I am certain that this is not normal. Oops.
I really did mean it when I said congrats. I hate that you don't know me well enough to understand that. Yeah it's sad, but hell good job.
Give me a chance. It takes me a second you know.
I should be working on stuff for school. Instead I am writing and drinking wine and listening to an awesome new (old) cd. Fun times.
Why is time going by so fast? I don't even remember last week. I think in my attempt to begin new things, I have taken on too much. While it is fun and I seem to thrive under stressful circumstances, this is no way to enjoy life. It's funny that I say this though because this is the absolutely easiest life has ever been for me. Yet again, I am still not satisfied. What the hell is missing?
My perspective on life has changed drastically this year. I think that's a good, normal thing for me though. I am too quick to plan out the exact sequence of my life and that is just not practical. Although I tend to like control a little too much, I kind of like it when life throws you something completely unexpected. It makes things interesting in a good way.
I want to go skiing. I want a lot of things. I want to escape. I have all that I need.
I don't think I'm up for the job of being a support person. Why am I not good at this? I wonder if bitterness has gotten in the way. It's a damn shame if it has because that is counterproductive. I feel incompetent in this area and that is not very helpful for either one of us.
The zoo with my niece was awesome. It's interesting to watch my niece. She is how I would have been if I had grown up in a normal environment. Oh hell, did I just say that out loud. I'll blame that one on the alcohol. Thank God for well-adjusted kids.
Why can't people just be straight forward?
It has been brought to my attention by an unnamed person that I am unapproachable, rigid, yet respected. They said this was a compliment. Damn. Is this true? How does one obtain such descriptive adjectives? I am nice damnit. I really am.
I need something new.
I don't want that anymore. My wants have been changed for a while now. Things are changing too quickly. I am too honest. Is that really a bad thing?
Btw, I haven't proof read this, so don't be a hater.
Hey, you may not have enjoyed this post, but you will enjoy the song...
Too random to be right...
Originally posted on myspace January 14, 2008
Good morning everyone. I can't sleep. I don't think I'm gonna post this one. I shouldn't post this one.
I'm going to the Knoxville Zoo tomorrow with the niece and sister. This will be fun; i should sleep. I am not sleeping. I want to take pictures at the zoo. I like four-word sentences.
Is it weird that I have almost completed everything on the syllabus for one of my classes. I can't stand to feel as if I need to be doing something. I can't enjoy anything until I get it done. I have a problem.
I used the shaker that is no longer hidden and some old juice. That would in part explain the odd, random blog tonight. Be proud.
So far I have managed to plan two beach trips for the summer this week. Anyone else want to go. Also, a trip to Carowinds will happen. I am cool, I know. I want to ride the Borg. If only it would snow. I want to go skiing. It's been so long. Things are so different now. This is random. Deal with it.
I keep increasing my barbell weight at the gym at this class I go to. For some reason, I can't make myself sore anymore. I am going to be buff and I will kick your ass, haha.
I have written a ridiculous amount of poetry tonight, but for some reason I can't post any of it. maybe another time. Maybe not. This is pushing it.
I think I have said this before, but it is worth repeating. I've got to stop listening to depressing music while drinking and blogging. Haha, it's the greatest though.
I wish you could be here. You are missing so much. It's not the same without you. You would be so proud, but you are never coming back. It is sad when you realize that you let an "outsider" bring things together. It is extremely sad when you realize things can't be the same now that they are gone. I also hate it when I can't verbalize my feelings. Thank God at least that there is no regret.
It's amazing how entertaining one seemingly random late night trip to Wal-Mart can be.
I need something different. I will find it. It's that time of year when I want change. It's coming up on the only time of the year that I am fully receptive to change. That is because I am in control. I don't like the change that is out of my control. Not at the moment anyway.
January is my new favorite month of the year.
You are protecting me. Thank you.
Wow, I don't think a single person is gonna understand any of this one. That is okay, maybe the Finlandia will, haha.
I have been thinking more about travel nursing lately. I have to leave this area. I used to want to do it for the money. Now, it has nothing to do with money. I don't care. I want experiences.
I want:
time to slow down, to bring you back, to have the right words, to run away, love, understanding, to know how to help, closure, clearer thoughts, simplicity, to figure out what i want, to let you in, to see the bigger picture, to make the right decisions, life experiences, you to notice me, more hope than i have, to help, deeper relationships, knowledge, rest, something new, to break out of my routine, strength...
I have:
strength, more than i should have, hope, a different understanding than you, dreams, failures, peace, interesting things to say, learned a lot, more optimism than is apparent, uncertainty, too many thoughts, delayed grieving, normalcy, more luck than is deserved, to let my guard down, over-analyzed things to a ridiculous level, a happy heart, an odd sense of humor, a lot to be happy for...
Wow, morning's gonna come early.
Night
Good morning everyone. I can't sleep. I don't think I'm gonna post this one. I shouldn't post this one.
I'm going to the Knoxville Zoo tomorrow with the niece and sister. This will be fun; i should sleep. I am not sleeping. I want to take pictures at the zoo. I like four-word sentences.
Is it weird that I have almost completed everything on the syllabus for one of my classes. I can't stand to feel as if I need to be doing something. I can't enjoy anything until I get it done. I have a problem.
I used the shaker that is no longer hidden and some old juice. That would in part explain the odd, random blog tonight. Be proud.
So far I have managed to plan two beach trips for the summer this week. Anyone else want to go. Also, a trip to Carowinds will happen. I am cool, I know. I want to ride the Borg. If only it would snow. I want to go skiing. It's been so long. Things are so different now. This is random. Deal with it.
I keep increasing my barbell weight at the gym at this class I go to. For some reason, I can't make myself sore anymore. I am going to be buff and I will kick your ass, haha.
I have written a ridiculous amount of poetry tonight, but for some reason I can't post any of it. maybe another time. Maybe not. This is pushing it.
I think I have said this before, but it is worth repeating. I've got to stop listening to depressing music while drinking and blogging. Haha, it's the greatest though.
I wish you could be here. You are missing so much. It's not the same without you. You would be so proud, but you are never coming back. It is sad when you realize that you let an "outsider" bring things together. It is extremely sad when you realize things can't be the same now that they are gone. I also hate it when I can't verbalize my feelings. Thank God at least that there is no regret.
It's amazing how entertaining one seemingly random late night trip to Wal-Mart can be.
I need something different. I will find it. It's that time of year when I want change. It's coming up on the only time of the year that I am fully receptive to change. That is because I am in control. I don't like the change that is out of my control. Not at the moment anyway.
January is my new favorite month of the year.
You are protecting me. Thank you.
Wow, I don't think a single person is gonna understand any of this one. That is okay, maybe the Finlandia will, haha.
I have been thinking more about travel nursing lately. I have to leave this area. I used to want to do it for the money. Now, it has nothing to do with money. I don't care. I want experiences.
I want:
time to slow down, to bring you back, to have the right words, to run away, love, understanding, to know how to help, closure, clearer thoughts, simplicity, to figure out what i want, to let you in, to see the bigger picture, to make the right decisions, life experiences, you to notice me, more hope than i have, to help, deeper relationships, knowledge, rest, something new, to break out of my routine, strength...
I have:
strength, more than i should have, hope, a different understanding than you, dreams, failures, peace, interesting things to say, learned a lot, more optimism than is apparent, uncertainty, too many thoughts, delayed grieving, normalcy, more luck than is deserved, to let my guard down, over-analyzed things to a ridiculous level, a happy heart, an odd sense of humor, a lot to be happy for...
Wow, morning's gonna come early.
Night
goodbye
Originally posted on myspace December 30, 2007
surrounded by family and your loving wife
we held your hand while tears fell of sorrow
as you breathed your last breath of your living life
we knew that this time you won't be here tomorrow
you said if you must go, then you were ready
you sure left a lot to remember you by
two families brought together by your memory
as we said final words and one final goodbye
shut down in shock by your hasty departure
the realization is troubling that you won't return
no time for the emptiness that's left to endure
but there is hope through hurting that we soon will learn
you are in peace and your pain is relieved
in a place now where you can find rest
forever and always your death will be grieved
by those who loved you and your actions impressed
finally learning what you knew all along
the pieces placed leave no room for regret
you have entered the place in which you now belong
your guidance on this earth, I'll never forget
surrounded by family and your loving wife
we held your hand while tears fell of sorrow
as you breathed your last breath of your living life
we knew that this time you won't be here tomorrow
you said if you must go, then you were ready
you sure left a lot to remember you by
two families brought together by your memory
as we said final words and one final goodbye
shut down in shock by your hasty departure
the realization is troubling that you won't return
no time for the emptiness that's left to endure
but there is hope through hurting that we soon will learn
you are in peace and your pain is relieved
in a place now where you can find rest
forever and always your death will be grieved
by those who loved you and your actions impressed
finally learning what you knew all along
the pieces placed leave no room for regret
you have entered the place in which you now belong
your guidance on this earth, I'll never forget
all good things must come to an end
Originally posted on myspace December 15, 2007
Well, December is halfway over. Soon it will be a new year. That's exciting. This month has unfortunately proved to be very disappointing. I do at least have the hope of better things to come. It is the down times that make the great times that much better. (okay that wasn't very insightful-however, I don't feel the need to apologize.
I discovered at the grocery store tonight that I have serious issues with letting others do things for me. So it was pouring rain and the manager insisted that I pull my car up to the door and let them load my groceries for me. He also gave me his umbrella to use to go out to my car. I understand this was just a customer service type of thing and they were being friendly, but why did it bother me so much? Why are situations like this always so awkward for me? I don't mind one bit to help someone else, but I am somehow forever unable to be on the receiving end of another's kindness. I'm not sure if it is some weird fear of admitting failure of some sort of the dreaded thought that others can sense that I need help. Or maybe it is because I have been conditioned to feel guilty for accepting help of any kind or the idea that I will feel as if I will owe them something in return. I don't know, I'll have to think about that one.
I made some awesome chili tonight. There is enough to last me a good week. However, I might have drank too much during the cooking process. That is perhaps why I am writing tonight.
I am sad to admit that this past month I have been unable to have many deep thoughts. Work stress and lack of sleep have been the main contributing factors to this problem. Also, I find myself unusually absent-minded and distracted. Thankfully, this lack of focus issue is improving. That makes me happy.
There is a sadness that comes with the realization that all things must eventually end. Despite our efforts to continue as things are, change is inevitable. It is called life. However, with this sadness, there is also hope, anticipation, and nervous excitement. It is for these things that I continue to wait.
I am now ready for Christmas. I have shopped, wrapped, decorated, planned, and prepared. This year differs from the others though; I have this weird empty feeling that won't go away. It's more of an uneasiness. I don't like it.
I just saw a commercial advertising a 2007 Chrystler Sebring. Haha, they are expecting someone to pay $18,000 for it. After driving one for ten painful days, I must say that you couldn't pay me to drive one of those. I'd take my paint- infused Honda any day.
Okay, I need to stop now.
Night.
Well, December is halfway over. Soon it will be a new year. That's exciting. This month has unfortunately proved to be very disappointing. I do at least have the hope of better things to come. It is the down times that make the great times that much better. (okay that wasn't very insightful-however, I don't feel the need to apologize.
I discovered at the grocery store tonight that I have serious issues with letting others do things for me. So it was pouring rain and the manager insisted that I pull my car up to the door and let them load my groceries for me. He also gave me his umbrella to use to go out to my car. I understand this was just a customer service type of thing and they were being friendly, but why did it bother me so much? Why are situations like this always so awkward for me? I don't mind one bit to help someone else, but I am somehow forever unable to be on the receiving end of another's kindness. I'm not sure if it is some weird fear of admitting failure of some sort of the dreaded thought that others can sense that I need help. Or maybe it is because I have been conditioned to feel guilty for accepting help of any kind or the idea that I will feel as if I will owe them something in return. I don't know, I'll have to think about that one.
I made some awesome chili tonight. There is enough to last me a good week. However, I might have drank too much during the cooking process. That is perhaps why I am writing tonight.
I am sad to admit that this past month I have been unable to have many deep thoughts. Work stress and lack of sleep have been the main contributing factors to this problem. Also, I find myself unusually absent-minded and distracted. Thankfully, this lack of focus issue is improving. That makes me happy.
There is a sadness that comes with the realization that all things must eventually end. Despite our efforts to continue as things are, change is inevitable. It is called life. However, with this sadness, there is also hope, anticipation, and nervous excitement. It is for these things that I continue to wait.
I am now ready for Christmas. I have shopped, wrapped, decorated, planned, and prepared. This year differs from the others though; I have this weird empty feeling that won't go away. It's more of an uneasiness. I don't like it.
I just saw a commercial advertising a 2007 Chrystler Sebring. Haha, they are expecting someone to pay $18,000 for it. After driving one for ten painful days, I must say that you couldn't pay me to drive one of those. I'd take my paint- infused Honda any day.
Okay, I need to stop now.
Night.
honda let me down
Originally posted on myspace November 27, 2007
My Honda hates me. My Honda almost killed me twice today. I feel sorry for my mom who is taking me to work at 5:30 tomorrow. I hate dependence. Damn.
My Honda hates me. My Honda almost killed me twice today. I feel sorry for my mom who is taking me to work at 5:30 tomorrow. I hate dependence. Damn.
Beta fish and razorblades
Originally posted on myspace November 11, 2007
Since, I have recently been left with an abundance of beer in my refrigerator, I decided to leave you with yet another alcohol-induced blog compliments of The Champagne of Beers.
So, I rescued a beta fish from the depths of Wal-Mart today to give my niece an awesome B-day gift. Am I the only one that finds it a little alarming that there wasn't much water left in the little cup and that there was dust on the top of the lid? Maybe that's the real reason why these fish always seem to hastily die. I give it a week before mommy will have to replace it with another overly excited purple beta fish. I named it Bert. Bert the Beta. I know, I am a bad aunt.
I am relaxed as hell. I don't know if it's from the group yoga or the beer. I like to think it's the combination of both.
This time change has really confused me. I felt like I should be going to bed for the night at like 7pm tonight. Even I'm not that lame. Although I would probably function better if I would do that every now and then.
Today really made me realize even more so what I'm not missing out on (yes Kole I know that ended in a preposition). The contrast was amazing. How did I get so lucky. The word unscathed comes to mind along with many others.
Thanksgiving is in the near future. Time is going by extremely fast. I think I just might have to make more sausage balls and deviled eggs this year. I really should branch out and one day I will.
If any more of my myspace friends drop of the face of the earth, I will be forced to copy Kole and do the whole blogspot thing. At what age do you outgrow myspace?
My favorite time of the year is quickly approaching. I want snow. I want warmth. I want liveliness. December is going to be awesome for many reasons. I believe a trip to Chattanooga is going to happen some time in the middle of the month. That always proves to be fun.
I love my new gym. Group classes that make me sore, lots of people, smoothies, free massage, free t-shirt, a locker and an elliptical that I have designated as my own even though they are not...
Things I am grateful for:
no more discontentment, good company and conversation, lifelong learning, eager anticipation, continuous change, the cutest niece in the world, restoring broken relationships, decreasing responsibility, increasing freedom, merging the old and the new, life lessons, impending holiday festivities, distinctiveness...
That is all I have for now.
Since, I have recently been left with an abundance of beer in my refrigerator, I decided to leave you with yet another alcohol-induced blog compliments of The Champagne of Beers.
So, I rescued a beta fish from the depths of Wal-Mart today to give my niece an awesome B-day gift. Am I the only one that finds it a little alarming that there wasn't much water left in the little cup and that there was dust on the top of the lid? Maybe that's the real reason why these fish always seem to hastily die. I give it a week before mommy will have to replace it with another overly excited purple beta fish. I named it Bert. Bert the Beta. I know, I am a bad aunt.
I am relaxed as hell. I don't know if it's from the group yoga or the beer. I like to think it's the combination of both.
This time change has really confused me. I felt like I should be going to bed for the night at like 7pm tonight. Even I'm not that lame. Although I would probably function better if I would do that every now and then.
Today really made me realize even more so what I'm not missing out on (yes Kole I know that ended in a preposition). The contrast was amazing. How did I get so lucky. The word unscathed comes to mind along with many others.
Thanksgiving is in the near future. Time is going by extremely fast. I think I just might have to make more sausage balls and deviled eggs this year. I really should branch out and one day I will.
If any more of my myspace friends drop of the face of the earth, I will be forced to copy Kole and do the whole blogspot thing. At what age do you outgrow myspace?
My favorite time of the year is quickly approaching. I want snow. I want warmth. I want liveliness. December is going to be awesome for many reasons. I believe a trip to Chattanooga is going to happen some time in the middle of the month. That always proves to be fun.
I love my new gym. Group classes that make me sore, lots of people, smoothies, free massage, free t-shirt, a locker and an elliptical that I have designated as my own even though they are not...
Things I am grateful for:
no more discontentment, good company and conversation, lifelong learning, eager anticipation, continuous change, the cutest niece in the world, restoring broken relationships, decreasing responsibility, increasing freedom, merging the old and the new, life lessons, impending holiday festivities, distinctiveness...
That is all I have for now.
October is almost over
Originally posted on myspace October 28, 2007
Well, i suppose it's been awhile since I have updated this.
I'm glad it's time to start a new week. I don't know why, but I haven't felt like myself this past week and that makes me mad (yes, I know that's a run-on from hell; there will probably be more to come).
I first would like to say that I'm really happy that it finally feels like Fall outside. I'm excited that I can wear long sleeves now and not burn up all day. I may even have to begin wearing a jacket soon.
I want to go skiing this year. I happen to suspect that I am getting some sweet ski gloves and a toboggan from my sister for Christmas. Although it's extremely unlikely, I hope we get a blizzard.
Is it weird that I've already started my Christmas shopping? Actually, I think I'm almost done. I guess that's not unusual seeing as how I always tend to complete things riduculously early. Another one of my annoyingly odd habits. But, hell, there are much worse habits I could have.
I'm gonna be really sad when I have finally finished the last Harry Potter book.
I hate that I am slightly disappointed with the new matchbox twenty cd that I was highly anticipating. Two of the songs have made it to my playlist though.
I am, however, excited that someone in Kole's family has procreated which is making her have to come back to the hometown. I want to play monopoly again. I wouldn't mind going on a walk like we did back in the day either. I hope you two bought the air mattress...It will be fun for me to be hospitable for a change.
Would it be weird or excessive if I had two gym memberships? Okay, don't answer that one because it's probably going to happen in the very near future.
I have decided that I really like sushi. I don't know why I never really tried it before. I almost like it as much as I like spinach quesadillas.
My church bought a new building and that has been fun. I painted the entrance. Wow, if these people new about my inadequate painting abilities, they would have never let that happen. I have to say though, it didn't look that bad today. Hmm, maybe someone went behind me after I left and touched it up. Haha.
I really hate that I have to do the whole school thing on Halloween. I wanted to see my niece trick-or-treat. If someone eggs the Honda this year, someone's gonna die. (wow that sounded ghetto-skank). Anyways, it would probably force me to wash my car, which would be a good thing. It's bad when you look forward to oil changes just because you get your car washed.
Wow, this is getting increasingly boring, but I don't feel the need to apologize since this is in fact my blog.
November is going to be a fun month. There is a lot to look forward to.
It's funny how I can change my perspective and my focus so quickly and so often. I didn't use to be like that. I guess it's a good thing though. I've never really thought that it was a good quality to be unwaivering about things and unable to change. I suppose a good balance would be ideal. Hmm, I'll have to think about that one.
Is it weird that I'm still happy to be back in school? It is my sincere hope that this will continue for the remaining three semesters. The class, which is comprised of many of my coworkers, have now labeled me the class nerd. Interesting.
I am beginning to think that humans can never be completely happy. While I am really close, I can't help but find myself wanting more. Then again, I don't think it's a bad thing because I've never thought it would be a good thing to become complacent. The sad truth is that we can always be better and can have more than what we have. If only I wasn't so damn critical of myself. Is it possible to be laid back and uptight at the same time? I seriously want to know because I am.
I just got interrupted by a funny, frustrating phone call. I think I will now pour myself another glass of wine.
I'm really glad I got ten hours of sleep last night. Maybe that's why I feel like I can think now. I can't go without sleep like I used to...
If I were cool and had anything interesting to say, I would go to blogspot.com like Kole. Until then, I will stick with myspace.
Things I like and will become accustomed to:
I won't elaborate at this time...
free food, lifelong learning, sushi, fellowship(haha), change, freedom, shifting focus, empowerment, forgiveness, thankfulness, enlightenment, happiness, choices, hope, changing relationships, simplicity...
Okay, that's enough for now. Enough procrastination. Enough thinking.
Bye now.
Well, i suppose it's been awhile since I have updated this.
I'm glad it's time to start a new week. I don't know why, but I haven't felt like myself this past week and that makes me mad (yes, I know that's a run-on from hell; there will probably be more to come).
I first would like to say that I'm really happy that it finally feels like Fall outside. I'm excited that I can wear long sleeves now and not burn up all day. I may even have to begin wearing a jacket soon.
I want to go skiing this year. I happen to suspect that I am getting some sweet ski gloves and a toboggan from my sister for Christmas. Although it's extremely unlikely, I hope we get a blizzard.
Is it weird that I've already started my Christmas shopping? Actually, I think I'm almost done. I guess that's not unusual seeing as how I always tend to complete things riduculously early. Another one of my annoyingly odd habits. But, hell, there are much worse habits I could have.
I'm gonna be really sad when I have finally finished the last Harry Potter book.
I hate that I am slightly disappointed with the new matchbox twenty cd that I was highly anticipating. Two of the songs have made it to my playlist though.
I am, however, excited that someone in Kole's family has procreated which is making her have to come back to the hometown. I want to play monopoly again. I wouldn't mind going on a walk like we did back in the day either. I hope you two bought the air mattress...It will be fun for me to be hospitable for a change.
Would it be weird or excessive if I had two gym memberships? Okay, don't answer that one because it's probably going to happen in the very near future.
I have decided that I really like sushi. I don't know why I never really tried it before. I almost like it as much as I like spinach quesadillas.
My church bought a new building and that has been fun. I painted the entrance. Wow, if these people new about my inadequate painting abilities, they would have never let that happen. I have to say though, it didn't look that bad today. Hmm, maybe someone went behind me after I left and touched it up. Haha.
I really hate that I have to do the whole school thing on Halloween. I wanted to see my niece trick-or-treat. If someone eggs the Honda this year, someone's gonna die. (wow that sounded ghetto-skank). Anyways, it would probably force me to wash my car, which would be a good thing. It's bad when you look forward to oil changes just because you get your car washed.
Wow, this is getting increasingly boring, but I don't feel the need to apologize since this is in fact my blog.
November is going to be a fun month. There is a lot to look forward to.
It's funny how I can change my perspective and my focus so quickly and so often. I didn't use to be like that. I guess it's a good thing though. I've never really thought that it was a good quality to be unwaivering about things and unable to change. I suppose a good balance would be ideal. Hmm, I'll have to think about that one.
Is it weird that I'm still happy to be back in school? It is my sincere hope that this will continue for the remaining three semesters. The class, which is comprised of many of my coworkers, have now labeled me the class nerd. Interesting.
I am beginning to think that humans can never be completely happy. While I am really close, I can't help but find myself wanting more. Then again, I don't think it's a bad thing because I've never thought it would be a good thing to become complacent. The sad truth is that we can always be better and can have more than what we have. If only I wasn't so damn critical of myself. Is it possible to be laid back and uptight at the same time? I seriously want to know because I am.
I just got interrupted by a funny, frustrating phone call. I think I will now pour myself another glass of wine.
I'm really glad I got ten hours of sleep last night. Maybe that's why I feel like I can think now. I can't go without sleep like I used to...
If I were cool and had anything interesting to say, I would go to blogspot.com like Kole. Until then, I will stick with myspace.
Things I like and will become accustomed to:
I won't elaborate at this time...
free food, lifelong learning, sushi, fellowship(haha), change, freedom, shifting focus, empowerment, forgiveness, thankfulness, enlightenment, happiness, choices, hope, changing relationships, simplicity...
Okay, that's enough for now. Enough procrastination. Enough thinking.
Bye now.
again
Originally posted on myspace October 9, 2007
lose myself to find my dreams
chase you away to catch my chance
there is a difference here i tell you
between how it looks and how it seems
between choices and the circumstance
reach out only to find i fall
look up only to know i'm down
there is hope in this i tell you
for soon i can not miss this at all
for someday soon my peace will be found
try again although i fear i'll fail
think thoughts although they don't mean much
there is somthing wrong i tell you
with searching, seeking to no avail
with knowing, needing but out of touch
reach the goal to find it was empty
discover sight which is fading fast
there is sadness in life i tell you
when left to change now permanently
when things are not always made to last
expose myself to be cast aside
hope for help that can not appear
there is truth in hurting i tell you
through humility you can not hide
through living life it all becomes clear
lose myself to find my dreams
chase you away to catch my chance
there is a difference here i tell you
between how it looks and how it seems
between choices and the circumstance
reach out only to find i fall
look up only to know i'm down
there is hope in this i tell you
for soon i can not miss this at all
for someday soon my peace will be found
try again although i fear i'll fail
think thoughts although they don't mean much
there is somthing wrong i tell you
with searching, seeking to no avail
with knowing, needing but out of touch
reach the goal to find it was empty
discover sight which is fading fast
there is sadness in life i tell you
when left to change now permanently
when things are not always made to last
expose myself to be cast aside
hope for help that can not appear
there is truth in hurting i tell you
through humility you can not hide
through living life it all becomes clear
September
September 19, 2007
Okay, first I have to warn you that I am more tired than I should be. So, that being said, don't expect anything profound. I am fighting the sleep that is inevitabley ahead of me.
I watched an interesting film in class yesterday. Despite having to constantly read the english subtitles, I have to admit that I actually liked it. I think I was the only one in class who liked it. Oh well.
This weekend, Kole is venturing back to the hometown. It is sad that we only talk during commercials. We need to go on a walk. Unfortunately, that never seems to happen. There was once a time when we had a kick-ass route.
I went to wal-mart the other day and wanted to go to the grilling section to buy some unnecessary accessories. Well, apparently it is September. The grilling section has already been replaced by the Christmas section.
I am ready for snow. I want to go skiing this year. A new Columbia or Northface jacket has been added to my wish list. It's been a long time since I've been.
I am confused, conflicted, but strangely still happy. I guess it would take a lot to make me unhappy. I know you care.
For class, I had to take the short quiz at http://www.myfootprint.org/
It's kinda interesting. You should check it out. College this time around is way cooler than nursing school. Kinda makes me wanna keep going. If only it was free and I didn't have to write an abundance of papers.
I am listening to music that I have copied from my "myspace friend". Thank you.
Is this getting long or is it just me? I will blame this on the cheap wine that I am drinking at the moment.
I have lived in this apartment for a year now. I just got my new lease to sign. This year has flown by too fast. Is it weird that it was the best year I have ever had? I am, however, sick of having to kill the spider webs that keep appearing at my door every morning. That is one hell of an ambitious spider.
I love acoustic songs! I am listening to a great one at the moment.
I really hate that I've been so tired this week. I will blame that on the whole getting called into work at unfriendly times. It's been a really good week so far.
Who would have thought that Dollywood could be fun. Nothing could make me realize that other than riding an ostrich on the carousel with my almost 2-year-old niece. Yes, some of you were lucky enough to receive a picture of that moment.
Church was really good last week. I am still amazed that I actually look forward to going to church. You should come.
September has always been a reflective month for me. Interesting.
I have been writing a lot more than usual here lately and I'm not entirely sure why. I even had to go buy yet another notebook. Wal-mart at 12am. I guess I'll just go with it. Here are my thoughts at the moment. I know it's not very good, but I can't post the others. I don't feel the need to pronunciate.
when change is embraced
one can move ahead
challenges once faced
serve as lessons instead
choose the therapeutic thought
away from the wrong perspective
that somehow we forgot
is highly ineffective
with pure precision
consider the control
of how faulty decisions
can affect the soul
submit to the subtle hints
vying for attention
to reclaim innocence
and realize there is redemption
to stop an existence
focused on negative self-worth
perhaps with persistance
new hope will give birth
to the focus of growth
and all it entails
if you believe both
than power can prevail
Okay, first I have to warn you that I am more tired than I should be. So, that being said, don't expect anything profound. I am fighting the sleep that is inevitabley ahead of me.
I watched an interesting film in class yesterday. Despite having to constantly read the english subtitles, I have to admit that I actually liked it. I think I was the only one in class who liked it. Oh well.
This weekend, Kole is venturing back to the hometown. It is sad that we only talk during commercials. We need to go on a walk. Unfortunately, that never seems to happen. There was once a time when we had a kick-ass route.
I went to wal-mart the other day and wanted to go to the grilling section to buy some unnecessary accessories. Well, apparently it is September. The grilling section has already been replaced by the Christmas section.
I am ready for snow. I want to go skiing this year. A new Columbia or Northface jacket has been added to my wish list. It's been a long time since I've been.
I am confused, conflicted, but strangely still happy. I guess it would take a lot to make me unhappy. I know you care.
For class, I had to take the short quiz at http://www.myfootprint.org/
It's kinda interesting. You should check it out. College this time around is way cooler than nursing school. Kinda makes me wanna keep going. If only it was free and I didn't have to write an abundance of papers.
I am listening to music that I have copied from my "myspace friend". Thank you.
Is this getting long or is it just me? I will blame this on the cheap wine that I am drinking at the moment.
I have lived in this apartment for a year now. I just got my new lease to sign. This year has flown by too fast. Is it weird that it was the best year I have ever had? I am, however, sick of having to kill the spider webs that keep appearing at my door every morning. That is one hell of an ambitious spider.
I love acoustic songs! I am listening to a great one at the moment.
I really hate that I've been so tired this week. I will blame that on the whole getting called into work at unfriendly times. It's been a really good week so far.
Who would have thought that Dollywood could be fun. Nothing could make me realize that other than riding an ostrich on the carousel with my almost 2-year-old niece. Yes, some of you were lucky enough to receive a picture of that moment.
Church was really good last week. I am still amazed that I actually look forward to going to church. You should come.
September has always been a reflective month for me. Interesting.
I have been writing a lot more than usual here lately and I'm not entirely sure why. I even had to go buy yet another notebook. Wal-mart at 12am. I guess I'll just go with it. Here are my thoughts at the moment. I know it's not very good, but I can't post the others. I don't feel the need to pronunciate.
when change is embraced
one can move ahead
challenges once faced
serve as lessons instead
choose the therapeutic thought
away from the wrong perspective
that somehow we forgot
is highly ineffective
with pure precision
consider the control
of how faulty decisions
can affect the soul
submit to the subtle hints
vying for attention
to reclaim innocence
and realize there is redemption
to stop an existence
focused on negative self-worth
perhaps with persistance
new hope will give birth
to the focus of growth
and all it entails
if you believe both
than power can prevail
don't drink and blog
Originally posted on myspace August 28, 2007
I assure you this won't be nearly as cool as Kole's blog. If I could write like my friend, I too could have my own blog. Until then, I will stick with myspace.
I like school. I am a nerd. An over-analyzing, uptight, annoying nerd.
I grilled some kick-ass kabobs last night. Some of you might have received a picture text of said kabobs.
And now my mood is changing...
interesting feelings tonight.
don't blog while drinking
why can't i deal with happiness
i might delete this tomorrow
what the hell is going on
got to stop listening to depressing music while drinking
why can i not define happiness-have i really never been happy
is this what it feels like
no regrets, thank God
Okay, those were some of my random fairly drunken thoughts of the night. Since I'm certain you haven't had enough yet, I will post one of my newer ones. Although it might sound a little dark and depressing, it is in fact a happy one...
Something is hurting inside of me
Slowly boring inside of me
Holding me hostage despite of me
Keeping me captive inside of me
The same mistake playing in my head
Making the nightmare constantly create
Feelings of worthlessness followed with dread
Realizing it's time now to clear the slate
Something is stirring inside of me
Slowly working inside of me
Forcing me further despite of me
Leaving me lonely inside of me
The same song playing in the background
Forces me to tie the times together
To learn and live as new ways are found
The past enables a future better
Something is changing inside of me
Nicely forming inside of me
Forcing me finally despite of me
Shaping me slowly inside of me
The same pattern playing in front of me
For once has ended to never return
Feeling the difference now finally
Towards the new light I have longed to learn
Good night.
I assure you this won't be nearly as cool as Kole's blog. If I could write like my friend, I too could have my own blog. Until then, I will stick with myspace.
I like school. I am a nerd. An over-analyzing, uptight, annoying nerd.
I grilled some kick-ass kabobs last night. Some of you might have received a picture text of said kabobs.
And now my mood is changing...
interesting feelings tonight.
don't blog while drinking
why can't i deal with happiness
i might delete this tomorrow
what the hell is going on
got to stop listening to depressing music while drinking
why can i not define happiness-have i really never been happy
is this what it feels like
no regrets, thank God
Okay, those were some of my random fairly drunken thoughts of the night. Since I'm certain you haven't had enough yet, I will post one of my newer ones. Although it might sound a little dark and depressing, it is in fact a happy one...
Something is hurting inside of me
Slowly boring inside of me
Holding me hostage despite of me
Keeping me captive inside of me
The same mistake playing in my head
Making the nightmare constantly create
Feelings of worthlessness followed with dread
Realizing it's time now to clear the slate
Something is stirring inside of me
Slowly working inside of me
Forcing me further despite of me
Leaving me lonely inside of me
The same song playing in the background
Forces me to tie the times together
To learn and live as new ways are found
The past enables a future better
Something is changing inside of me
Nicely forming inside of me
Forcing me finally despite of me
Shaping me slowly inside of me
The same pattern playing in front of me
For once has ended to never return
Feeling the difference now finally
Towards the new light I have longed to learn
Good night.
I have a headache
Originally posted on myspace August 14, 2007
It's been a little while since I've posted a blog and, well, since I seemed to have slept in extraordinarily late for me today, I figured I would waste an even greater part of the day by posting a blog.
Likes at the moment:
2am scrabble games in which I am victorious
team 2am scrabble games in which my team is victorious
spinach quesadillas
my "new" computer
water
when my school books arrive at my front door when I'm not home
my "free" ecampus.com t-shirt
the video that I am going to post at the end of this so you can listen to my music while you read this
late night phone conversations that I find hard to remember in the morning
anticipation
finding old cds I had long forgotten about
my "new" grill that I will attempt to use sometime this week
my friend Kole's hospitality
stealing some of my new pictures from my friend Kole's computer this weekend
forming small groups at church
entertaining family functions to come in the near future
being able to be taken out to lunch
a cd burner that actually burns all of my songs on the cd instead of messing half of them up and changing the order of my songs
my collection of fortune cookie fortunes from the same japanese place
Okay, I think that is enough for now. It's time to eat. Enjoy the song...
I need to go to sleep now
Originally posted on myspace July 22, 2007
Wondering what there is to gain.
In broken silence, stolen dreams.
Hoping now to avoid the pain,
When nothing really is how it seems.
Move me along to the darkest dark.
In my mind, I'm called to commit.
How do I make my permanent mark?
When all I care to do is quit.
Wondering what I have to lose,
In brutal boldness, I offend.
Knowing now it's time to choose,
When I find myself at the very end.
Push me towards the lightest light.
In close comfort, I find my way.
How do I keep from losing sight?
When my own dislikes I can't display.
Wondering when the day will come.
In tired times my hope appears.
Leaving now where this came from,
When new reality suddenly nears.
Bring me to the brightest bright.
In deeper doubt, it's sure to shine.
How do I find this in the night?
When promising paths do not align.
Wondering when I'll finally know,
In honest hours, eyes are opened.
Nothing is left except a glow,
When I learn on what I can depend.
Show me to the purest pure.
In perfect peace, I can explore.
How do I ever know for sure?
I feel like posting another...
Originally posted on myspace June 30, 2007
Why can't I get these thoughts out of my head? I can't write them down fast enough. The combination of fanta and vodka will surely take care of this problem. I like my San Francisco shot glass. Enough said about that...
I have nothing great to look forward to in July yet. Help me out here Kole. June was awesome, but went by entirely too fast.
School is dangerously close to beginning. It's been two years...
I saw someone while pumping gas today. Life could have been so different...in a bad way...
Why do I have that same feeling that I've had before. Change is coming, it has already began, and I will again be the last to know...
Why do I over-analyze everything, but am unable to make up my mind...
Why does it rain when I have plans? Then the sun comes out when I get home...
What kind of grocery store runs out of cucumbers...
I really like Fox's Pizza. It's gonna make me fat.
Okay, I will post another. This one is fairly long so I'll warn you in advance...
My Anchor
Surviving the storm
that stays in my mind.
I find the peace
that was rightfully mine.
Feeling my burden,
my anchor I cast.
Don't let me give in.
I will hold on fast.
Discovering the direction
hope to take the right turn.
I find the truth
that I wanted to learn.
Feeling the burden,
my anchor I found.
Don't let me give in
'til I touch solid ground.
Fighting the fear
only I am aware.
I find my place
among the ones who care.
Feeling the burden,
my anchor I thrust.
Don't let me give in
when I've lost all trust.
Overcoming the emotion
kept buried inside.
I find myself calm
and with nothing to hide.
Feeling the burden
my anchor, my hope
Don't let me give in
please help me to cope.
Beginning the battle
steer me to safety.
I find my refuge
where no one can hurt me.
Feeling the burden,
my anchor, my sail.
Don't let me give in
if I start to fail.
Withstanding the winds
that take me away
I find the reason
that led me this way
Feeling the burden,
my anchor, my weight.
Don't let me give in
for this is my fate.
Protecting the peace
I have briefly met.
I find I am safe
To let go of regret.
Feeling the burden,
My anchor, my guard.
Don't let me give in
when the times get hard.
Helping the hurting
who once had it all.
I find my purpose
by taking the fall.
Feeling the burden,
my anchor, my aid.
Don't let me give in
I am not afraid.
Calming the current
left me in the wake.
I find my self
from all that is fake.
Feeling the burden,
my anchor, my light.
Don't let me give in
to what is not right.
Starting the struggle
that keeps me alive.
I find the source
that allows me to thrive.
Feeling the burden,
my anchor, my soul.
Don't let me give in
'til I reach my goal.
random thoughts
Originally posted June 16, 2007
After spending 20 hours in the ATL airport, I have never been so happy to take a shower, sleep in my bed, and eat some fruit.
The airport is freezing at night. It is hard to sleep when they are vacuuming underneath my "bed" and the blankets are extremely thin. However, I am happy that I got a free xl delta t-shirt and a really sweet folding hair brush out of this.
It sucks to come home and discover that you have a sore back, an empty tank of gas, and an even emptier refrigerator.
I was pleasantly surprised that Lifehouse's whole new album can be previewed at the vh1 website. I will be buying it June 19th.
Travel nursing is looking more and more appealing to me now.
I've been gone for 5 days and my niece already looks older and my dvr is full of taped shows waiting for me to watch.
Hotel bar conversations are highly interesting.
I have lots of pictures and a ridiculous amount of San Francisco t-shirts. I was one hell of a tourist.
oh, but wait, I was there on "business". I can't believe I got paid to go there.
I think I'll post some pictures later. I'm having trouble motivating myself to do much of anything productive today.
The Fire
Originally posted on myspace June 5, 2007
Against my better judgement, I'm gonna post another blog instead of going to sleep.
I should sleep. I still haven't fully recovered from this weekend. I am still impressed though that it only took me 2 hours and 45 minutes to drive back from Chattanooga.
Well, I will post something else I wrote. It's from a little while ago. I'm kind of experimenting with this one. Enjoy...
The Fire
It's time to distance myself from you
Discard my regret
My sadness
My desire
We had a brief run,
But our time is through
I'll do damage control; I will put out the fire
Extinguish the past
Memories burned in my mind
No way could this last
What was I trying to find
Secretly wanting acceptance
But engulfed by this flame
Now I have missed my chance
Things can not be the same
Left burning deeply it has made an impact
Destroying my feelings
My wants
My dream
We had a bleak outlook,
And that is a fact
I'll recover from this; go back to how it should seem
Extinguish the past
Memories burned in my mind
Things happened too fast
I let myself fall behind
Secretly wanting acceptance
But engulfed by the flame
You offered no resistance
But I'll still take the blame
It's time to discover what I'm looking for
Deliver my needs
My thoughts
My hope
We can exist in my heart,
But I want to have more
I'll continue the search; and I will learn to cope.
Extinguish the past
Memories burned in my mind
The last stone has been cast
Yet history can't rewind
Secretly wanting acceptance
But engulfed by the flame
Left me with no defense
I know it's not the greatest...
Originally posted on myspace June 1, 2007
Hand in hand, you and me
We walk along
So peacefully
Traveling together
At the same pace
Can't help but have a smile upon my face
Hand in hand, you and me
Together we remain
In good company
Living our lives
Side by side
Can't help but feel happy deep inside
Hand in hand, you and me
Silence my fears
So protectively
Keeping me calm
Stay with me here
Can't help but feel safe having you near
Hand in hand, you and me
We guide ourselves
So carefully
Bringing out the best
In one another
Can't help but feel lucky we found each other
Hand in hand, you and me
We act like partners
So efficiently
Working as one
A perfect team
Can't help but feel like this is all a dream
Hand in hand, you and me
We share a bond
So exclusively
Time stands still
The clocks are frozen
Can't help but feel right that you I've chosen
I'm really not good at titles
Originally posted on myspace May 8, 2007
Well, I'm bored. Therefore, I will post another blog. Umm...okay, I might have drank a little bit (thanks Kole).
I found out this week that I got accepted into King College. That inspired me to order a new back pack from L.L. Bean....sweet!
Let me also remind you that my bithday is soon. May 17th. I am really beginning to feel old...even though, strangely, I don't think I've began to live yet.
That's about all the updating that I care to share with anyone at the moment. I'm unfortunately very boring. So, I will leave you with this.
Don't judge, I don't claim to be a writer...
Loneliness is magnified when we realize we are weak.
Hoping to connect to the companionship we seek
Weakness is the basis for what stages our downfall.
Forcing us to build up our own protective wall.
Emptiness is the inability to fill our deepening void
Leading us to the frustrations we were trying to avoid.
Wistfulness is the longing for how things could have been.
Holding us hostage in our hearts somewhere deep within.
Powerfulness is the illusion in our minds we create.
Helping us to deal with the truths in which we hate.
Mindfulness is remembering the opportunities now gone.
Changing the focus that we have based our lives upon.
Weariness is defeat when there is no place left to rest.
Leaving us alone in our own emotional distress
Worthlessness is how we feel when we are left behind.
Making us continue to search for what we hope to find.
Watchfulness is the art of remaining alert.
Keeping us protected from getting ourselves hurt.
Blindness is the defect that destroys our world view.
Originally posted on myspace April 16, 2007
I remember how I stood so weak.
Alone, I sat so quietly.
Knowing what it is that I should seek,
As the walls start closing in on me.
I look ahead, my future unsure.
What comes next is meant to be.
Thinking of all that is in store,
As the waves come crashing over me.
I wait in hopes to right the wrong.
Instead, I stand impatiently.
Discovering that my innocence is gone,
As the truth is taking over me.
I don't know what it is I sought.
One day I will know with certainty.
Feeling the heat of all I forgot,
As the world is warming up to me.
I move over to the other side.
Forward, I come cautiously.
Nothing is left for me to hide,
As the darkness is drawing in on me.
I travel purposefully, my path is clear.
Somehow now I am finally free.
Exposing my long forbidden fear,
As the clouds are moving over me.
I once knew what it was like to care.
Restore my faith in unity.
Looking upward as I stare,
As the sky is falling down on me.
I wonder if the hardships I endure
Will at some point make me worthy.
Silencing my need to feel secure,
As the chains are falling away from me.
I sort through all this mess in my head.
Long buried truths found rapidly.
Awakening dreams I thought once dead,
As my heart is racing inside of me.
I hope that all is how it seems.
Blindly, I follow faithfully.
Leading me closer to living my dreams,
As the light is shining ahead of me.
I feel the changes coming quick.
My true self I'm able to be.
Peeling off the layers piled on thick,
As I am now slowly becoming me.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)