"Art never comes from happiness"
- Chuck Palahniuk
Last year I posted a blog a little before Christmas. Last year I said that something didn't feel right this year. Unfortunately, I was right and soon what was the best year of my life would take a turn for the worse. Not too long after this, my step dad (who is and was my dad) died unexpectedly from acute hemorrhagic pancreatitis. Just a month before that he was protecting me from the bastard(s) who thought it would be a good idea to put paint in the gas tank of my Honda. I was unaware that only a month later he would die unprotected and defenseless in a hospital bed in the ICU from an illness that quickly crept upon him and showed him no remorse. This left him and us with his worldly dreams, desires, and hopes forever unfulfilled despite the three unsuccessful attempts to bring him back life. All of which I stood and watched powerless and helpless to alter the outcome as I have before with so many of my patients. This memory will haunt the holidays forever. The link to familial normalcy was severed at this point. The holidays should be a happy time, a festive time, and they will continue to be so if it's the last thing that I do. My tree looks nice with all of its presents underneath it and all of its ornaments adorning it, the sausage balls have been prepared, and the turkey is ready for tomorrow. At this time, I will attempt the normalcy that I have craved my whole life. And, in a passable attempt at being festive, I will gather with my family, all 4.5 of us, and I will reach for the unobtainable. We will cook, we will smile, and we will unwrap gifts. Despite my determination to regain something that has never existed anyway, the holidays are and will be forever different. Although the family has never been normal, we are changed forever. And here I am.
"It's funny how the beauty of art has so much more to do with the frame than with the artwork itself"
- Chuck Palahniuk
I really am a happy person. I just needed to vent. Thanks.
Merry Christmas,
E
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
working out and working in
"Seems like streetlights glowing happen to be just like moments passing in front of me..."
Well good evening to you. What a good weekend it was and a good week it will be. At the moment I am listening to perhaps my greatest music playlist so far and wondering why I am still feeling an increased level of frustration despite a three hour workout at the gym today.
Don't get me wrong, I am in a good mood, I just can't seem to get my thoughts/feelings in order or come to any real conclusions about anything in relation to too many things. Usually working out helps me with this, but for whatever reason, it has apparently failed me today. It is not that bad.
Speaking of the gym, I have to tell you a story about this man who was working out today. Now, keep in mind that I do not sit there and make fun of people working out because I applaud anyone who attempts to be healthy. However, this man was asking for it! I was distracted from my thinking and listening to old Evanescence to notice that he was prancing around the center of the gym on his tiptoes, doing lunge-like movements, and twirling a barbell (with no weight on it) as if it was a baton. In addition to this, he was wearing short black and blue spandex shorts and had a towel, presumably to wipe up his increasing back sweat, tucked into his spandex. Then he went over to a rail, which was awfully close to this other poor man who was on a bike and began doing push ups while holding onto the rail. All I could see was this super-tight spandex ass going up and down, over and over again. For a second, I felt bad when I actually laughed out loud, but then I noticed that the woman on the elliptical next to me was laughing as well.
Anyways, enough on the gym and on to more important things...
I am planning on ordering a variety of books to read and add to my small collection since I am finished with school for the time being. Do you have any recommendations? I have decided on two so far, but plan on ordering at least four.
How can I go forwards if I don't know which way forward is? Because I think I am following you backwards and that can not be a good thing. My patience and progress is being replaced with anger and resentment. This will have to end.
It appears as if the burning, red rash on my hands is not the only unexpected thing to resurface this month. It is interesting how sometimes a seemingly painful and confusing experience in life can ultimately end up effecting us, shaping us, and changing us forever. It is not until later that we realize it has left its lasting imprint, its mark, and that we no longer want it removed.
new normal. new hope. new life. new start.
damn fire. damn dreams. damn expectations. damn you.
no conclusions, no clock, no answers, no help, no hope, no more...
If you ignore me in the daylight,
I will be gone in the moonlight.
All that's left will be a shadow,
of the things that could have been.
And if you use me in the mean time,
I will leave you now this last time.
All that shines will be the new light,
of the hope that brings me new life.
I think I am done for now. The laundry isn't going to fold itself...
E
Well good evening to you. What a good weekend it was and a good week it will be. At the moment I am listening to perhaps my greatest music playlist so far and wondering why I am still feeling an increased level of frustration despite a three hour workout at the gym today.
Don't get me wrong, I am in a good mood, I just can't seem to get my thoughts/feelings in order or come to any real conclusions about anything in relation to too many things. Usually working out helps me with this, but for whatever reason, it has apparently failed me today. It is not that bad.
Speaking of the gym, I have to tell you a story about this man who was working out today. Now, keep in mind that I do not sit there and make fun of people working out because I applaud anyone who attempts to be healthy. However, this man was asking for it! I was distracted from my thinking and listening to old Evanescence to notice that he was prancing around the center of the gym on his tiptoes, doing lunge-like movements, and twirling a barbell (with no weight on it) as if it was a baton. In addition to this, he was wearing short black and blue spandex shorts and had a towel, presumably to wipe up his increasing back sweat, tucked into his spandex. Then he went over to a rail, which was awfully close to this other poor man who was on a bike and began doing push ups while holding onto the rail. All I could see was this super-tight spandex ass going up and down, over and over again. For a second, I felt bad when I actually laughed out loud, but then I noticed that the woman on the elliptical next to me was laughing as well.
Anyways, enough on the gym and on to more important things...
I am planning on ordering a variety of books to read and add to my small collection since I am finished with school for the time being. Do you have any recommendations? I have decided on two so far, but plan on ordering at least four.
How can I go forwards if I don't know which way forward is? Because I think I am following you backwards and that can not be a good thing. My patience and progress is being replaced with anger and resentment. This will have to end.
It appears as if the burning, red rash on my hands is not the only unexpected thing to resurface this month. It is interesting how sometimes a seemingly painful and confusing experience in life can ultimately end up effecting us, shaping us, and changing us forever. It is not until later that we realize it has left its lasting imprint, its mark, and that we no longer want it removed.
new normal. new hope. new life. new start.
damn fire. damn dreams. damn expectations. damn you.
no conclusions, no clock, no answers, no help, no hope, no more...
If you ignore me in the daylight,
I will be gone in the moonlight.
All that's left will be a shadow,
of the things that could have been.
And if you use me in the mean time,
I will leave you now this last time.
All that shines will be the new light,
of the hope that brings me new life.
I think I am done for now. The laundry isn't going to fold itself...
E
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