everything seems brighter

I will attempt tonight a necessary effort to return to my vague blog writing. For this, you should consider yourself lucky. This is in no way influenced by the wine that I am drinking. If you believe that, then you don't know me so well after all. In fact, you don't know me so well at all. Okay, fine, a few might.

For some reason, I have had the best week ever. No, I don't mean to reference VH1, but I do mean the best week ever. I am uncertain as to why, but my attitude towards my day to day life has changed this week. Appreciation. Hope. Growth.

Everything seems different. Everything seems brighter.

My attempt to remain positive will prevail.

I wish I could explain it all to you, but when I try it seems as if you will never understand. It is not your fault; it is mine. My words are ineffective.

I am going to Carowinds twice in the month of June. While you are partially correct in your assumption that I must like roller coasters, you are not entirely right. I am not going to explain anymore here.

I feared for a brief moment that I might have lost my ability to remain ambiguous. However, this does kinda conflict with the quality of straightforward openness that I consider myself to possess.

Despite the recent sunburn, I laid out by the pool today. Perhaps that sounds unintelligent, but I like the sun and I wanted to read outside. Freedom. Independence. I don't quite mean the Fourth of July kind.

Fireworks are fun.

I have to be moving forward in order to be happy. I don't need much to make me happy.

With the exception of a very special poem, this is the happiest one I have written to date. Although you do not know what it is about, I do believe it properly coincides with my good mood and it is an appropriate depiction of some recent thoughts.

Walking away
from external worry
I avoid the gray
that becomes blurry

Without a glance
in the wrong direction
I take my chance
that provides protection

Turning inward
emotional release
I go forward
to find inner peace

Seeking solace
that is soon to begin
I find radiance
that shines deep within

Touching tender
in such beautiful form
I surrender
to find my heart warm

My life as a semi-cripple...

First I would like to start off with a link that is pertinent and most descriptive of my birthday at the beach. To answer a few of your initial questions, yes I wore sunblock and yes I apparently failed at staying adequately hydrated.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperthermia

Now that we have gotten that out of the way, I should say that I have excellent traveling companions who promptly helped rectify this situation. One of which, claimed multiple times that he was a lifeguard and that he knew what he was doing. The other was not in the best shape due to the swelling in her feet that had already began and would later inflict me. I'm not so sure I remember much more about the order of the events that followed except that it was very difficult to take my hand out from under the blankets to drink the gatorade that I was being forced to drink every five minutes. (wow that sounded dramatic).

I am sorry friends that I was unable to eat the $30 seafood plate that was quite the birthday surprise. I am glad, Austin, that you were able to have the best tuna that you have ever had. It proved to be quite expensive in the end. I'm not bitter, haha.

Now I am home. The remainder of my vacation has revolved around coordinating taking my steroids (six today) and atarax with food, attempting to walk despite the spasms and the increasing swelling in both feet, and frequent moisturizing of my skin that is shedding at alarming rates. All in all, it was an awesome birthday and a great vacation. I do regret that I was unable to make it to Hard Rock to get that T-shirt.

It is important to note in times like these that I have a strong family history of skin cancer. I am now officially scared of the sun.

Things I have learned while attempting to be an almost-cripple:

* Random conversations are interesting and abundant

* For people who slow down to let struggling people go first, you are not helping. This causes lots of pain and stress because I am trying to hurry since you are waiting on me. It really isn't rude to just walk on by.

* Aloe with lidocaine is useful.

* There is something bothersome about being passed by the old man on the scooter at the grocery store.

* While I am temporarily unable to walk without pain and must settle for restless sleep with my legs propped up, this is only short-term for me. These people live like this everyday and are able to maintain a normal level of productivity. I know that sometime soon I will resume my non-cripple existence and will then be able to go back to the gym, wear undergarments again, and be able to properly shave my legs.

I brought home enough sunshine for the whole state of Tennessee. Your welcome.

Have a wonderful week and be safe in the sun.

E

I need to stop taking naps in the middle of the day...

Well, the weekend is over. It has proven to be great. I hope yours was great as well.

I have decided that I refuse to use my tax rebate to "help boost" the economy. As much as I would like to go on a shopping spree for clothes that I am certain to become too fat for in the next year or to go purchase a big t.v. that would not get much use, I have opted to save the money instead.

They sang a Lifehouse song at church today. I hope they plan to make this a common practice. I could recommend a few if they would like.

I need to do more. I hate complacency. I have more potential than I would ever admit to having.

So, I was behind a very slow older couple at Wal-Mart today. This allowed me some time to work on developing my patience. Since I had extra time due to the ten minutes it took to walk behind them from the register to the door, I ended up having many interesting thoughts and questions. I will not share all of them with you tonight, but some of them were, why should they be in a hurry and what would they really need to be in a hurry for? I hope that when I am that old and I am walking through a store (preferrably not a Wal-Mart) that I will not be in a hurry either. I am already tired of hurrying through life.

It does no good to have focus if you are focused on the wrong thing.

No, to better answer your question, I don't regret anything. Funny though since you have no idea what really has taken place, but I still feel the need to explain myself. It is a shame that I can not always do so under the present circumstances and I will not really attempt to tonight, but, everything that has happened has shaped me and changed me into the person I am now. I happen to like that person. Furthermore, I will never not appreciate greatness. And I will never not appreciate happiness. If bad times had not occurred, I would not be capable of fully recognizing the good times. Besides, it is not helpful to have regrets.

I have been reading some great books for school in preparation of semester 3 out of 4 that will be starting this week whether I am ready or not. Too bad my reading comprehension is at an all-time low and the smallest things distract me these days.

The beach trip is quickly approaching. My only goal is to relax, buy lots of unnecessary t-shirts, and take funny pictures. It really doesn't take much to make me happy. My playlist that I have on my page is really good. I think I might need to burn a beach trip cd for my traveling companions although I am certain that they will be haters. It's ok though because I plan to pack my mp3 player for backup.

I appreciate:

good weather, self-knowledge, usefulness, somehow having the understanding of the difference between true need and perceived need, emotions, starting points, happiness, random phone calls, empathy, my bester coming home, boneless buffalo wings, sarcasm, broken cycles, self worth, second chances, freedom, fun thoughts, independence, simple solutions, connectedness, and I really could go on for a long time...

I'm not being as vague as usual in this blog and that is mildly disturbing. In an attempt to recapture my vague emotions, I will now post a poem for you. I know that it really could be better but, I am tired.


Don't let me forget to be thankful
and don't resent me for this.
I have so much to make up for
but nothing I will miss.

Don't let me lose my direction
and don't believe that it's hopeless.
I have some room for correction
but I won't lose focus

Don't let me wait for nothing
and don't expect me to stay.
I have been looking for something
but it's not far away.


Well, I really should go to sleep because I plan on working off some frustration at the gym early tomorrow morning.

Night,

E