putting it all together...

Good morning. The nighttime has been fun. The daytime has been awesome.

I am going to post this first, rather than last. This is a parallel representation of my thoughts. full circle. written tonight. You really don't have to get it, and you shouldn't. There is sarcasm in there that you really shouldn't pick up on. This is probably the most personal, but vague one yet.

little girl is crying
she doesn't know why
she wonders
if hope can fall down from the sky
Hoping everyday for help
to come take her away
she holds on tightly to the hope
that all will be okay

little girl is lost
she never found her place
she wishes
that life wasn't just a waste
fighting eveyday to find
a way to regain control
she discovers strength through the struggles
aimed at deepening the soul

little girl is neglected
she knows no one is there
she is hungry
to find someone who cares
learning everyday to lose
the faith she wants to feel
she looks for love lost long ago
so she can learn it's real

little girl is confused
she never was taught
she believes
that happiness is just a thought
forgetting everyday we fail
to see that truth exists
she retreats back to false security
and ignores what she has missed


I am fighting sleep at the moment. I don't know why I do it. I am clinging onto the last hours of nighttime. my favorite time.

I am working on reducing the number of bottles that are in my freezer.

I watched a good movie today. I have to admit that despite the papers and the presentations, I actually like school. I do not like the added responsibility, but I am restless without it. My instructor e-mailed me today and said nice things. I am not all that accustomed to encouragement. Sweet.

Does anyone really pay attention anymore? Do I?

You would approve and that is one of the deciding factors. I wish you were here to tell me, but you left for reasons that are unknown to me. Maybe pure joy really is a joke.

Did you really mean a month? Soon I won't even remember what you look like.

It takes so much to really appreciate the small successes. At least I have the slightest chance of remembering this and never taking it for granted. It's time for something new. I'm so thankful for halfway points. Downward is so direct.

Forget the blame, forget the bitterness, forget the hate and the disappointment. It is not helpful.

wasted potential, redemption, suffering, uncertainty...

The sense of self is one of the most useful things that can be learned.

I really hate that I tried to impress you and you didn't even notice. I suppose that is typical, but is it completely necessary?

I refuse to feel fear. Why do I push away any hope I have?

I am full of questions tonight.

I wish I could understand your world. We used to be so much alike. You continuously remind me that I am incapable of understanding, but do you get me? Times are changing, distance blocks the pathways to the redemptive process. We have made plans to meet at a point. A scary point for me.

I am a source of hope and comfort to others, but when it comes to my own life, I unintentionally reject comfort and hope. I know this.

On that note, it's time to pass out on my feather bed that was a gift from the bester. thank you.

E

I'm sleeping in tomorrow...

I am sleepy, but I'm not quite ready for bed. This is going to be vaguely insightful.

negativity ultimately leads to failure whereas positivity helps secure success...

Well I stocked up on a cartful of groceries so I can attempt to make some kick-ass lasagnas for tomorrow. One is going to have a lot of meat, the other not so much. And by not so much, I mean spinach. I love spinach. Too bad I had to stand in line at Wal-Mart for 15 minutes. No, I am not exaggerating, I timed it. I have noticed some mild improvement on my latest goal that involves developing patience. This goal has nothing to do with standing in line at Wal-Mart.

I'm going to stop and enjoy it this time...This might be the last time...for real...

The end of the semester is in my near future. I hate to admit it, but I have given up on the presentation that is going to happen on Wednesday. Time is going to keep going despite my obvious lack of productivity. Why couldn't I have figured that out when I was younger?

I cry when I think about the beginning. And what is to come. It is a good cry, not a bad one. Damn emotions. My fear of weakness is at an all-time high.

I have eaten more meat this month than I have in the past year.

My upcoming vacation excites me for more reasons than the obvious.

I am not very good at tennis. I am good at a lot of things. I just haven't discovered them yet.

Resilience. This is what I learned. This won't ever go away.

Serendipity. This is the best description at this time. This greatly contributes to happiness.

I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to get a shower curtain liner since mine was struggling. Instead, I ended up with a whole freakin' bathroom. Apparently, I am a sucker for green and brown stripes. At least I did manage to talk myself out of the completely unnecessary toothbrush holder. Yay for small achievements.

I really like nice. Oh yeah, and sweet. We are conditioned to not like those things. Or maybe that was just a result of unfortunate events.

Protection. I wasn't born with such thick walls.

I want to eat some sushi. It has been a really long time. I am continuously wanting, but continuously satisfied.

I could post a poem tonight, but it is too obvious.

Strong emotions contribute to vulnerability. I'm not so sure that's a bad thing.

Night.

wow, strangely, this is an uplifting one...

I have taken procrastination to all new levels for me. Yay for unhelpful achievements. My definition of procrastination is different from yours.

I just want it to be over at this point. I have drank too much wine at this point.

incompetent. damn. My definition of competence is different from yours.

I don’t think it exists. Settle in. Settle down. But don’t settle.

There will not be many complete sentences in this blog. lucky you.

The cycle is repeating and I will distance myself this time. People do not change. People stay the same. And by people, I just mean one.

I will learn. I will not repeat. I will not fail.


Too many paths lead to indecision
Forward is too far away
Unable to act with much precision
Keep looking for my place to stay

Too much hope will lead to my despair
Deeper is not deep enough
Staying open is much too unfair
But I’ll fight my way although it’s rough

Too much kindness leads to real resentment
Further into the unknown
Doubt leads to days full of discontentment
For this I gladly go alone