It's been a long time. Does anyone really blog anymore?

There's no way I could begin to update you on the happenings since my last post, but rest assured that life is always interesting...as it should be. I will leave you with something recently written rather than elaborating on my current life.


Unclear

Reflections fade and puddles fail.

Revelations made and love is stale.

to have, to hold. I make my mind.

Wherein the truth it’s impossible to find.

You had, you have. All is real.

to make, to own. All I feel.

Bitter stances and collections unmade.

Second chances and plans unlaid

to yield, to yearn. It’s time to leave.

For better times be soon, believe.

You had, you have. All was real.

to love, to lose. All I steal.

Night,

E

all good/bad things must eventually end...

I began this with Green Day and I will end this with Green Day. Okay, here we go...


"Dreaming, I was only dreaming. Of another place and time where my family's from...

Singing, I can hear them singing. When the rain had washed away all these scattered dreams..."

- Before the Lobotomy (Green Day, duh.)

There should be some rules against the posting of lyrics that already exist as one's ringtone, but why should it even matter...don't judge...



I thank you.

There really was little that was actually lost in all of this, but a considerable amount was gained.

What was there before is still here now, but I am more now than I was before.

It was wrong from the beginning, apparently.

Funny. Did you know that if you don't eat for long enough, you no longer feel hungry? In addition to this, it helps cancel out that bad feeling that has crept into my stomach. Yay, for me.

The walls of my apartment are now patchy due to an unfortunate mismatching of paint. These patchy walls serve as a constant reminder of how one color can look as if it would go well with the other, but the two colors obviously don't blend well together once applied permanently.

high hurt = pure peace
lost love = new hope

Sometimes short chapters are more fulfilling and have more content than an entire book.

Those sure were some awesome memories...and some awesome people...


I understand.

I would not go back and do anything differently.

All good things must eventually end, while the good things lead the way to the better things...those of which i hope don't end.

What is wrong can seem right, but will still be wrong, when in fact things are exactly how they should be. (there are two ways to apply this one, as there usually is...)

I am good. I really am. Intentions often can be more important than actions. There are some things I am not used to having to think about. I have been playing catch up for the latter part of my life only to discover that there are still things that should already be known to me...that should be habit. They are not, yet, and that is not your fault. It is not mine either...

You took me off my guard and expected more than I could give. That was not fair.

When there is nothing left to do that could change the course of things, there is nothing left to do but to go on... quite stronger than before.


I'm sorry.

Harsh. Illogical. Unfair = Gentle. Fitting. Right.

Unless you have lived my life, you will never be able to comprehend where it is that I am coming from... or I you. And that is okay.

You can make any situation good or bad depending on your own perspectives and your own perceptions regarding the situation at hand. I prefer to take the positive route this time.

I refuse to let this turn inward.

There will be no more blogs on this subject. I am not so sure there needs to be any more blogs anyway.

Good luck to you. I know I'll need it.

Night,

E

sunshine and fun times...

"Happiness is just outside my window.
I thought it'd crash blowing eighty miles an hour.
But happiness is a little more like knocking.
On your door, you just let it in."


- "Happiness" The Fray (yay!)


Blogs are more abundant these days, it seems...

The sun shines brighter when we allow it to. We envision what we want too.

So, as I've mentioned several times already, this year is hardcore in the running as being named my 'best year ever' (out of 25, whoa). Although it has little competition, there is no reason to assume that this should be an easy victory.

This month and a portion of last month have greatly increased the odds.

I like:

- sunny days by the pool
- reading new (old) books
- when great food is grilled
- new flat irons
- kicking ass in chess
- arm veins
- wedding receptions
- E necklaces
- monogrammed bags
- new cds (hey two songs are good)
- the idea of skydiving
- getting the first one out of the way
- organizing my closets
- selling my burden of an elliptical
- buying gifts
- the beginning
- new months
- keeping up with the old and loving the new

So, I've recently acquired a house pet. And by house pet, i mean an outdoor spider. His name is Colin. Despite the fact that I knock the web in front of my door down on a daily basis, he comes back and weaves a web even more intricate than the last. I can't help but feel as if he is protecting my home (cracked paint job doors and all) and me. I can find symbolism in anything. That's just how I am.

Now, if only he had an affinity for ants...then I would welcome him inside warmly.

Hey, maybe I will be ready when you are ready for round number two. It would be about time.

If I lessen control, if I open up...does that make me weak really? All along I have been wrong. It in fact takes strength to allow such vulnerability. I am vulnerable.

The wedding last week was quite the success. The reunion in Chattanooga was different on many levels, but different is good.

It is amazing what effect the sun has on my mood. Oh yeah, and you. Yes you.

I am hoping to cross off another item on my Life List in about two weeks. Can you say 45-second freefall. I can.

It is time to say good night. The night is not nearly over...

E

my view

Higher ground, but not enough away
to catch a clearer view.

From my spot, I spot a way
to show me what I should do.

So I throw a rock from my place
to see how far it can fall.

Since from this space, I now may face
a fate I've only tried to stall.

Watching now, I watch and wait
as my rock's released in flight.

It lands unscathed as if to say
this place is quite alright!

relax.ride.relate.

"I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the borderline
Of the edge and where I walk alone"

- Green Day (duh)


It has been difficult to blog this month, but I'll give it a try anyways. It seems as if I am only able to blog if it is in my standard vague-like fashion. This should be interesting...

Speaking of interesting, life has been rather impressive lately. It's funny how one random act can lead to events that are out of my control. Since I was too little to remember, I have been fighting for control of my life, my emotions, my thoughts, my circumstances...you name it and I have wanted to control it (with reason, I assure you). Maybe I have been wrong this whole time. Damn.

I don't remember this time of year ever being as enjoyable as it is now.

There is just one thought on forgiveness that I find it necessary to throw out there. We are not required to forgive if you are still seemingly unaware of your wrongdoings. This means that you have not changed, that you do not understand, and that you would do the same thing again if placed back in the same situation. This does not mean that I am resentful. I am merely practical, smart, and have boundaries. (yeah, I said it).

My birthday is next week and I am feeling increasingly older. I no longer want what I wanted last year, I no longer get carded when I order a drink, and I can't share a hottub with teenagers without their abrupt departure (not that I minded that one, but you get the point).

I have been vehemently avoiding the plateau only to find that it is perhaps what I have been running towards the whole time. Awesome.

This month and some of last month I have decided / discovered:

- I am just as normal / abnormal as everyone else. Okay fine, I am a little stranger than some.

- My mood is unfortunately determined by the weather.

- Family beach trips are more fun than I would have thought.

- I want to fly to Memphis.

- I could live off seafood and water for the rest of my life. You can turn water into wine, right?

- A food pantry is in the works for Johnson City. Nice work sister.

- Cervical cancer is just as scared of me as I am of it (I hope).

- There have been a large amount of parentheses used in this blog. Hell, they are even in the title.

- I'm not so sure my Honda likes me as much as I like her (yes, she's female). If she liked me she would know that a check engine light is not an acceptable way of communicating with me. Then again, communication has never been one of my strong strengths.

- I do not wish to be cremated and put on display inside of an urn. Also, funeral services are creepy.

- Ants have a special affinity for my apartment and I am beginning to feel dirty.

- If you have to work at things to make them work, you are in fact wasting your time. I realize that this statement does not apply in every setting you may be dreaming up, but it does to me.

I made the unfortunate mistake of thinking that I wouldn't ever have to remedy the problem. Things are quickly able to get out of hand if one or both are not as attentive as necessary.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have an ant to go crush...

E

springtime weather mixed with a little rain...

is more than i could ever hope for...

This Easter has been full of balloon-filled egg hunts, frightening discussions, and some of the old mixed in with the new. Most of all, I will remember what all has had to happen to make things arrive at the point they are at currently.

I am loving the bay's mountain pass that I bought this year and I am fully intending on getting plenty of use out of it.

The trip to Nashville that work sent me and a couple coworkers to last week was surprisingly survived by all. I am happy to report that my understanding of water treatment systems for dialysis has greatly been increased, but more importantly, I was able to expand my wardrobe. Thankfully, our hotel was nicely positioned across the street from some good shopping which helped make the trip tolerable.

At this time next week, I will be at the beach (yay!). At this time next month, I will probably pay off my car. At this time next year, I want something more.

i am not as great as i think i am, but i am more than i like to think i am.

I firmly believe my mid-life crisis has come early. What the hell am I doing here?

You are trying to rectify the wrong. That's considered progress in my book. Keep it up.

It has been a busy month and the year is still continuing to pick up momentum. I like momentum...when it is going in the right direction that is. So far, so good.

For some reason T-mobile decided to reduce my rate plan by twenty dollars and increase my coverage area to nationwide. sweet. They have almost managed to redeem themselves after the night last month when I had no service for an hour while I was on call. Bastards!

There have been several discoveries this month. One of which has led to the realization that it is time to figure out how I feel. How am I supposed to want more...to expect more when I won't give you more. Perhaps it is true that you get what you give. However, I am the one getting and you are the one giving and that is not fair. Oops, I never promised to be good at this.

it.is.time.to.start.a.new.chapter.

and.i.will.

I know this has been long, but I feel the need to leave you with something that I have written. I have posted so many important quotes and lyrics here lately that I have failed to put some of my new stuff on here.

humor me...

written on a park bench at Bay's Mountain Park while eating an apple! I know I am cool...

confusing times and unrealistic reigns
that ruled me inefficiently
treading water to stay afloat
but breathing insufficiently

the backwards led me here
where hollow roots i walk
to lose my balance with no substance
in which to break my fall

pulled under by uncertain ways
that held me under forcefully
outstretching hands to find relief
but shaking uncontrollably

the backwards led me here
where happiness awaits
to gain my footing with new feeling
which empowers me to stay

Night,

E