november is coming to an end...

"...Where were you? Where were you? Just a little late, you found me. You found me"

My weekend off has gotten off to a pleasant start to say the least. I hope yours is going great as well.

You will be happy to know that I am wearing yet another free t-shirt that I conned out of my gym. They tried unsuccessfully to avoid giving me another, but I was rather persistent. Sometimes persistence is crucial to getting what you want and need.

What I thought I wanted is not even close to what I think I need. What I think I need is scary and something that I may or may not be avoiding.

Natural. Involuntary. Innocent.

Did you mean what you said? I hope so...There's no harm in dreaming is there?

There is now a Christmas tree brightening up my living room and it is sitting adjacent to my sweet new tv that was a Christmas / graduation present to myself.

Last year, getting the tree out of hibernation from my outside storage area proved to be a bit of a disaster. This year went much better and although I was prepared for the worst, I was only attacked by three determined wasps that I promptly took out with my broom and a random stapler that was nearby. However, last year, I was accosted by about a hundred unexpected, half-frozen wasps that had been residing in my tree and were quickly beginning to thaw in my living room. Just so you know, it seriously takes a lot to phase me these days - this traumatized me.

Unfortunately, things from the past can creep into your memory when you least expect it and try to ruin the moment. Thankfully, this can be somewhat avoided by active preparedness and alertness, but I'm not so sure it can ever completely go away. That is a shame.

It is unfair and disappointing that you still don't seem to know what your role is seeing as how we were always prematurely expected to know ours. Too bad ours was dysfunctional and yours is nonexistent.

- Once you have seen the light, I don't believe there is any going back. Not any going back that is healthy or happy anyway. The most important thing is proper planning and a non-distorted perspective. I sincerely hope that you have both.

I have had two visitors in town this week. Both were fun and entertaining in completely different ways. Trust me on this one.

My real Thanksgiving occurred in a different place...I am in a different place...It was a good Thanksgiving.

My professor called me "bright". Too bad I am not bright enough to know what my next step should be. Getting what you want is not hard. Knowing what you want is the hard part.

Wandering. Waiting. Wanting.

Reorganizing my closet tonight was initially a source of relief, but was soon followed by an indescribable emotion that was a cross between sadness, thankfulness, and remembrance. It was a little unnerving, but I am appreciative.

Sometimes happiness hits you when you least expect it.

This has been the month of unexpected communication and I like it.

I will leave you with a list of things that I am continuously thankful for - and others that seem to make me smile at the moment...

- music, new purchases, impending graduations, sausage balls, eating with Kole's family, online shopping, love, tennis rematches, the process, precision, pretty snow, catching up, preordering good music, newness, education, independence, undeserved encouragement, attachment, great books, open honesty, playfulness, stolen t-shirts, memories...

Night,

E

neon signs

I have had a different week. These are different times. I'm in a different mood today. It's been a lucky week. I am a lucky person. More on that later, I hope.

I think the different mood tonight might stem from getting called in to work frequently and at extremely bad times and might be caused form getting only a few hours of interrupted sleep at a time, but I'm not complaining. (and wow that was a long sentence!)

I'm not complaining because this is reality and reality is good. Also, because I saw a neon sign for the first time in a long time this week. I will not talk about the last time, but it was a good time. I hope that this time like the others does not disappoint and falls into place like usual.

The timing is both eerily important and amazingly appreciated.

Schoolwork is winding down and my anxiety is winding up...in a good way I assure you.

Endings are just as exciting as beginnings and this applies to many different levels. There was a lot gained and very little lost. You can't really go wrong in that situation.

This week:

* I wrote a special letter for the first time in my life

* I encountered an evil sales associate who thought I was forty

* I cooked some awesome dinners compliments of Earth Fare

* I read a really good book that made me cry three times

* The scene from Grey's Anatomy with the old guy who tried to do chest compressions on his wife because he couldn't let her go was nicely done and also made me cry

* I did, however, smile a lot

* I finally got to listen to some of that free music...thanks.

* I think I finally figured you out

* I saved a life, or two or three

* I realized it's time to move on (this has nothing to do with relationships)

* I won a free 30-minute massage which I am saving for after graduation

Oh yeah, I also wrote something for you. I don't feel like rhyming tonight and I don't feel that it is necessary. I also only feel like posting a portion of it tonight. There is no need for the full version at this time. Enjoy!

Cutting through the corners and missing the mark
The point of completeness to not miss a thing
Thoroughly, I rushed through all of the goodness
To end up slowly wading through the worst

Misleading myself into building lost dreams
The hurt of hurriedness to find the wrong things
Falsely, I followed what I thought I wanted
To end up falling away from myself